two years

Yesterday when I was flipping my calender over at work to July (holy hell! how is it July?) I started thinking about how I had started my weight loss/health journey in May 2008 and now it has been OVER two years since I begun. I am still holding steady at a size 6 and around 135 pounds. I started at 191 lbs and a size 16/18.

One of my recent goals has been to wear a bikini on our 10 year anniversary trip, coming up NEXT MONTH. I bought a bikini, and then I decided that bikini was just too small, I needed a bikini that covered more area if that existed...

I ended up finding one at The Gap that I liked and I ordered it..and well, it's not good. I just started Weight Watchers again and I would really like to get off a few pounds so that I can wear that bikini and not die of embarrassment. I even took some before pictures to show you and I'm just not sure that is going to happen.

One of the things I have thought about a lot lately is the fact that I may have to start lowering my expectations. I am just not ever going to be a tiny person...I think my thighs will always be tree trunk sized and will rub together for ever more. I don't think I'm going to look like a swimsuit model anytime soon, and I'm guessing at 33 my breasts aren't going to magically perk up and my stomach is probably not ever going to be completely flat.

I need to celebrate how far I've come, instead of constantly fretting about how much better it could be.


August 2008 (that's me in the very front...my tiny baby with my sister, and my wack a doodle mother)
May 2010

disorder in the (food) court

I think about food all.the.time. No really. You probably think I'm exaggerating but I really do. I like to plan out all the things I'm going to eat in a day and if I know I'm going out to eat I'll look at the menu online to decide what I want so I can think about it before we go there. I think about breakfast when I eat dinner, lunch when I eat breakfast, and dinner when I eat lunch.

I love candy and sweets. If someone brings a box of donuts to work I will go in the break room several times just to LOOK at the donuts, then I'll go around and ask people if they ate the donuts and ask how they tasted. I like to look in the snack machine and think about what snack I would get, if I were to get a snack. I like to plan "parties" around eating lots of food. Easter to me? Candy day.

I obviously have relationship issues with food and yet when someone suggested to me I have an eating disorder, I was....surprised and then more interested.

I work in the mental health field, and have for some time, and it is not uncommon to sit around with your co workers and talk about your various issues/anxieties/eccentricities and diagnose each other and discuss what kind of good meds you may or may not have in your medicine cabinet.

A few days ago we were standing around work talking, and someone had delivered some food baskets to go to needy families. I peeked in the basket and saw a box of Girl Scout cookies and I mentioned that I could easily eat a whole box in one sitting (and have) and that is why I run to the opposite side of the street if I see a cute little be-pig tailed Girl Scout. One of my co workers looked at me and very seriously said "have you ever gotten therapy for your eating disorder?" I laughed and said no, and said I look freaking awesome for a girl that used to down whole boxes of Girl Scout cookies. We all had a good laugh.

I have thought about that comment several times since it was mentioned and I am not upset or annoyed, it was more that I had never considered myself to have an eating disorder and yet when I really consider my history with food, it seems like I probably do. I guess because I don't throw up, or starve myself it just never occurred to me. I am obsessed with food, and a lot of the times I just don't feel satiated. I almost always feel like I want to eat more and I just rarely feel satisfied with "normal" amounts of food. I think with the amount I run I should be SKINNY but because I like to eat so much I just can't get there.

My friend today mentioned she was feeling upset that that comment had been made about me, and honestly I told her I didn't mind. I have been more aware of what I eat, and how much these last couple of days (although it hasn't stopped me from over eating) and I understand if I would just wait a little while the urge would pass, but in that moment I just WANT the food so bad I can barely stand it.

I still don't have any answers about my relationship with food, but I jokingly told a friend that I can remember once someone in my family having a birthday and we got an Ice Cream cake from Baskin Robbins and CUT IT IN FOUR PIECES and each ate 1/4 of the cake. I think that could start explaining some things....

ETA: I just ate a piece of candy out of the trash. Do you still think I'm exaggerating?

NYR progress

That's my New Year's Resolution progress to those of you not in the know. I really FEEL committed to my NYRs but that doesn't seem to really be helping me actually DO anything about them. Let's remind ourselves what my resolutions are:

1. Run a half marathon
Um, nope. I still haven't found one I want to sign up for
2. Finish a 10K in less than 60 minutes
Nope. I have a 10K tomorrow but I hear it is a killer so I'm sort of assuming this is not going to be the one.
3. Finish a 5K in less than 30 minutes
I DID THIS ONE. I ran a 5K on 1/23/10 in 29:23, go me!
4. Wear a bikini on the beach (for the first time EVER) on our 10 year anniversary (August 2010), and look good doing it.
OK, I BOUGHT a bikini but that is the only thing I've done so far. I seriously need to start toning if I plan on wearing a bikini without DYING of embarrassment.
5. Take a yoga class
Nope. They are so expensive.
6. Start knitting again, and at least make some more coffee cup cozies.
Once a week I think about getting my knitting out, and it still hasn't happened.
7. Say "yes" more
I'm doing pretty good at this. I say "yes" to Eli much more about reading stories and playing games (I'm a horrible mother because I don't really enjoy these things. I hate to hear myself read out loud and Eli is super annoying to play games with but it has gotten more enjoyable the more I make myself do it)
8. teach Eli to swim
Nope
9. Play in the Gulf of Mexico with Eli and Teddy
hopefully this summer!
10. Have more sex
NOPE, I think if it is possible we are having less sex, which totally sucks but it seems like by the time there is opportunity we are both so exhausted we discuss it and then toss that option out and go to sleep instead.

OK, so now that I'm thinking about it I got 1/10 completed and I still have almost 11 months to do the other 9 so maybe I'll actually do it! How are your resolutions going?

bikini or bust

My resolution of wearing a bikini for my 10 year anniversary has really helped me get back onto the health wagon! I would say since October I haven't been really committed to eating well, although I have continued to run. I started this journey in May 2008 when one day at work I got on the scale and I weighted 191 (I'm 5'2"). That was the same weight I was when I was 9 months pregnant with my son.

One of the things that still surprises me is I still feel fat. I know my BMI is now in the "normal" category and I don't think anyone would say a size 6 is fat, but I feel fat. When I go jogging I wonder if people in cars passing me think nasty thoughts about how I should probably run faster, or if they poke fun at me for being a chubby girl running (although at 7AM this morning I wouldn't have blamed them because I was wearing purple running tights, light purple shorts, a bright blue jacket and rainbow leg warmers...it was COLD).

I have never in my life worn a bikini and my new goal is really something I'm looking forward to attaining. I think I need to lose a bit more weight, but I definitely need to start working on toning. I think a lifetime of being overweight and a 9.2 lb baby has lead to a mushy stomach. I'm really feeling happy and motivated to have a new goal, and I started 2010 with a 10 mile run so I think I'm on my way to that bikini. I have told myself that getting into that bikini should be the last of "feeling fat" or always assuming I'm the fat girl in the room (Do you guys do that? Do you look around to see if you are the fattest girl in the room? I know it is not healthy but I was the fattest girl in the room a lot of times. Maybe this is a phenomenon of only overweight people).

I'm looking forward to working on my resolutions throughout the year, and I hope to keep you guys updated on my progress. Next up, digging out my yarn and seeing if I remember how to knit.

They say you want a resolution.

I know a lot of people don't believe in making New Year's resolutions, but it really appeals to me in the sense that I love making lists, and I love resolving to do stuff. I have been thinking about my resolutions for a couple of weeks now and I really wanted to get them out there in the universe and make a sincere effort to do them. I am also trying NOT to make resolutions for too many things, or things that would take too much time away from my family.

Without further ado:

1. Run a half marathon
2. Finish a 10K in less than 60 minutes
3. Finish a 5K in less than 30 minutes
4. Wear a bikini on the beach (for the first time EVER) on our 10 year anniversary (August 2010), and look good doing it.
5. Take a yoga class
6. Start knitting again, and at least make some more coffee cup cozies.
7. Say "yes" more
8. teach Eli to swim
9. Play in the Gulf of Mexico with Eli and Teddy
10. Have more sex


I also want to update a meme I did last year, since I had to change blogs I'll just update this year's answers in red.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Committed to a healthier way of eating. Started this blog.
Started THIS blog because THAT blog got hijacked by creepy stalker.
Ran two 10Ks.
Wore a bathing suit without wanting to die of embarrassment.
Started and maintained a exercise routine (going on 9 months of running 4x a week)


2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I really can't remember if I made any resolutions last year, if I did it was probably to lose weight because I say that pretty much every year. So I will pretend that was my resolution and say that I kept it.

This year my resolution is two fold 1. Lose 20 lbs and keep it off! and 2. Be more thoughtful. I would really like to be more thoughtful in everything I do, including things I purchase, things I eat, things I say and do etc.

I would say I kept half of my resolutions because on 1/5/2009 I weighed 154.2 (I keep a journal of my weight) and today I weigh 131 (up 3 lbs from my lowest 128). I have successfully lost and kept off 23 lbs from then, overall I have lost 60 lbs from my highest weight.

Being more thoughtful is something I would still like to accomplish and I don't think I have made as much of an effort as I would like.

I would also like to be clear about my feelings and my expectations, without being judgemental or hurtful.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Some college friends of mine

I don't think so, but currently one of my best friends and both of my SILs are pregnant.
ETA: My sister reminded me I have 3 SILs, SO I should say two of my three SILs are pregnant.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No
No

5. What countries did you visit?

Um Countries? None, but we did have a couple of nice trips. We went to Alabama and Virginia and took several trips to the NJ Shore.

Yeah, I'm guessing going to a different country isn't going to happen in 2010 either.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Well since we are moving this year (even if we don't move to AL we will move to a new apartment)I will say a bathtub and a dishwasher, also sanity

YAY. We have everything I wanted, except maybe the sanity. I would like a job that I like and that makes me happy.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Eli's birthday. I am always amazed I made it another year. When Eli was first born I didn't think I would survive to see him turn six months old, so on his birthday I am always grateful to have made it another year.

The month of August will be a big memory for me because that was the month Eli turned 3, Teddy and I had our 9 year anniversary, and we moved from Hoboken, NJ back to AL. It was a very stressful, but happy time.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Losing 30 lbs.

I would say losing another 20 lbs and keeping it off, also moving two adults one child, one dog, and two cats across the country and never completely losing my shit. (not to say I didn't lose my shit, just not COMPLETELY)

Running in two 10Ks.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I can't think of one thing in particular. The thing I most commonly think I am failing at is parenting.

The things I most often think about as failures are the times I lose my patience with Eli. When I yell, when I grab for his skinny little arms to stop him for doing something, those are the times I think about and regret.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No
No

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Right now the only thing I can think of is the Scholastic DVD collection we bought Steamboat because it has kept us sane over this two week break!

The best investment of the year was a personal DVD player I bought Eli for his birthday. It has been a life saver on plane trips, and many a dinner out we would like to enjoy without entertaining a 3 year old!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mine. So far I have survived in a crappy job and remained calm and professional (most of the time).

Teddy. He is the only reason I'm able to stay sane. Through out this last year with the move and the job hunt I have been a vibrating ball of anxiety and he is the only reason I haven't gone over the deep end (oh and Xanax, I love you too)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I had one of the people I supervise quit without notice and then badmouthed me for no reason, it sucked.

Unfortunately lots of people. I was commenting on someone's blog recently that I try to be a thoughtful person, and in doing so sometimes I have too high expectations for other people and can easily be disappointed. I need to quit assuming that everyone thinks about things as much as I do, and I need to worry less about others feelings.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent and daycare, hands down.

Again, rent and daycare but we also spent tons of money on our recent move.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

This years election.

I was really excited about our move and our new (rental) house.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

I Never Go to Work- TMBG. Eli's favorite song and we had to listen to it all.the.time.

That is hard to say, I'm not a "song" person. I like the same songs I liked 10 years ago, if it isn't on the Journey greatest hits CD I probably haven't heard it.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier
Happier


b) thinner or fatter? Thinner
Thinner

c) richer or poorer? Richer and poorer, we make more money but our rent and daycare increased.
POORER

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I spent more time enjoying my family, and less time worried they would die, get sick, fall off the earth etc.

I wish I had spent more time being content.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worry. I worry all the time, I wish I could knock it off.

Same. Same. Worry. I am a constant worrier. I worry about things that probably won't ever happen, it tends to really be a damper on my life.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We spent Christmas at home this year, it was great until the part when my mom showed up.

We had a great big family Christmas just like I wanted. My mom, sister, and her family showed up at 7AM on Christmas morning and we opened presents for hours, played games, and ATE. It was perfect.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

I am constantly falling in love with Teddy and Eli (barf, I know)

I love my husband and my kid more every day.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

It is too hard to list just one so: LOST, Friday Night Lights, The Office, Scrubs

Those are still my favorite shows.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I don't think so, I think I hate all the same people

I like last years answer.

24. What was the best book you read?

I can't remember all the books I read this year but this week I read Marley and Me and The Hour I First Believed. I really enjoyed both of them.

I read a lot so it is always hard for me to remember but I think the books I most enjoyed this year were The Time Travelers Wife and The Lovely Bones.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I have started listening to way more kids band then I ever thought I would and have found some awesome music! I love the Jellydots, The Terrible Twos, Francis England, Elizabeth Mitchell, and of course Mr. Leebot!

This year has been the year of Caspar Babypants. Eh, must remember to listen to adult music at some point.

26. What did you want and get?

My Advent calender was the most awesome gift of all time!

I also advocated for myself to get a raise, which I got (although technically I haven't seen it in my paycheck yet...)

The second annual Advent Calenderlooza was awesome!
I wanted Teddy to get into PhD school, and he did.

27. What did you want and not get?

I wanted a big family Christmas and instead got my mom
I wanted a job that made me happy (or at least didn't make me UNhappy)

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I don't think I saw a movie that was released in 2008 so it is hard to say. I watched some Christmas movies on Lifetime and Hallmark channel that were pretty funny even thought I'm not sure they were supposed to be.

I don't really like movies, and last night I was having a conversation with my niece and nephew about movies and the last movie I remember REALLY liking was Little Miss Sunshine, when was that?

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Teddy and I took the day off work and spent it roaming around NYC, I went to Old Navy and got some Cold Stone ice cream. I turned 32 and Teddy turned 42.

My dad came and took us out to dinner and I ate a lot of cake, he also bought us a lawnmower. That was pretty cool. I turned 33 and Teddy turned 43.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If my job didn't suck donkey balls.
Finding a job that didn't suck donkey balls.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

I lost some weight so all my clothes are too big.

I bought a bunch of size 6 clothes and DAMMIT I'm going to wear them and not get too fat for them!

32. What kept you sane?

My husband. Definitely. And wine.

Teddy. Wine. Xanax. In that order.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Mmm I already did a whole post on who I fancy.

I fancy Justin Timberlake. I want to fancy him in dirty ways.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I was very concerned about women's issues during this years presidential campaign. Sarah Palin terrified me.

I worry about health care, especially since I work in health care and I see so many uninsured patients.

35. Who did you miss?

I missed my sister and my brother in law and my niece and nephew. I also missed my friends who used to live here and moved (because they suck).

I think 2010 is the year of not having to miss people because they are all right.here. and that is pretty awesome.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I started hanging out with some new people from work. They are awesome, I love gay men!

Ashley and Lee. They are great people.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

People respect you more if you are not fat.

Ditto, AND I respect myself more when I'm exercising and eating well.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"I like big butts and I can not lie"

"I'm on a boat motherfuckers"

I can't ever take quoting song lyrics seriously.

wrap up

I got this fun tea cup on Christmas Eve. I love the pattern, but I'm not crazy about how it says "tea time" on it. I do not like it when words are on designs.

The last day was a gift certificate to TCBY. I love me some frozen yogurt!

Christmas was great and we had a really good time. The whole week leading up to and including Christmas and the day after was filled with food, fun, and family and it was really perfect. I now have to come back to reality and check my credit card statements (yikes) and I started Weight Watchers in earnest again today because I have gained 6.5 lbs since Thanksgiving (yikes). (I read somewhere that 8 lbs is the typical holiday weight gain)

I am HUNGRY for the first time in WEEKS. I have been shoving food in my face whenever I felt like it since Thanksgiving and right now I'm hungry and cranky about it. I threw out all the candy we had left in the house and now I want to go guzzle the remaining egg nog and search for any stray candy canes...

I hope you had a nice holiday and if you didn't, I hope 2010 brings something better.

What's your favorite color?

Dark chocolate and mint 3 Musketeers minis.

Earrings made from recycled magazines.

Buddy the Elf Holiday card, that talks.

Starbucks ( I know, my love has no bounds) acrylic coffee cup with screw on lid and straw for homemade ice coffees.


Bullets:

• My job is definitely good and bad. It is good in that it has relieved a lot of my stress about finances, but bad because I feel resentful that I don't think I'm being paid what I deserve, but who is? I am doing counseling for people who are newly diagnosed with HIV. The grant I'm working for pays for 6 sessions per newly diagnosed patient. There are other bits and pieces to the job too, but that is the main responsibility.
• I had wanted to do a 12K today but I was too lazy to sign up and drive an hour at 6 in the morning so I just did one on my own. It took me 1:08, which I didn't think was awful.
• Elf is my very favorite Holiday movie ever.
• The cookie and candy eating is out of control...I definitely think once you start it is harder to stop.
• We finally got Eli to agree to a picture with Santa for our Holiday cards, but we had to agree to be in the picture with him. We went to the mall today and had the picture taken and now I don't want to send it out because I think I look fat. The fat hatred just never stops.
  
  

fat pants

I recently went through my closet to get rid of all of my clothes that don't fit anymore. I took all these pants off the hangers to give away, and then after thinking about it I folded them all up and put them back in my closet. The pants are all too big. They are mostly size 10s and 8s and currently I'm in a size 6. I started in a size 16.

When we were moving I got rid of all my size 16s, 14s, and 12s. I think I would have tried to hang on to them if we weren't moving. I'm still not convinced that I'm not going to get fat again. When I was going to get a bag to put all the pants in I started thinking how crappy it would be to get fat again AND have to buy new clothes...that is when I put the pants back in the closet.

My weight loss journey is sort of on hold right now. I'm still journaling all my food, and running but I think I'm going to wait until the New Year and then try and lose the last 10 pounds. I am going to try and hold at my current weight until then.

This last weekend was my first race. I did a 10K with my sister and her husband and it was awesome. I finished in 1:04 and I was 19th out of 43 for my age/gender. I was stupidly excited to be number 19! It was such a rush to finish and to beat people who were younger and skinnier than me. I loved it, and this morning I spent time looking for the next race. I think I'm going to do a 12K in December called the 12 Ks of Christmas!

Anyway, I got off my point...the pants...what should I do with them?

holding

My goal from now until January is to just NOT gain weight. These next couple of months are really hard for me food wise because I love the holidays (I'm totally counting Halloween as "the holidays" too) and I love all the food that comes with it. I love candy and pumpkin anything (minus those pumpkin shaped candy corn things-yuck!).

I have already made these pumpkin muffins, and these pumpkin brownies (I'm not sure why they are called brownies, it was more like cake to me) (I also made the brownies without the frosting and it was still really good). Teddy has a party we have to go to on Friday and I'm making the pumpkin brownies again, WITH the frosting and I'm definitely having some.

My dad is coming to visit this weekend and I'm sure we will go out to eat a couple of times, I will still make BETTER choices but eating out is always difficult. It is my birthday over the weekend and I want CAKE, real cake...not whole wheat healthy cake, but cake with fat and sugar and YUM.

I will keep up my running schedule and my Weight Watchers journaling even if I go over my allotted points. I have a race I want to actually do well in a month from now and I think after that I will have to decide on another "health" goal to keep myself going. I'm hoping that portion control, exercise, and journaling will keep me from putting on any pounds in the next couple of months.

How do you keep from gaining weight over the holidays?

firsts

• I signed up for my first race. I am very excited. It is a 10K on November 7th. I was never really interested in running a race, but now since I don't have a job it is nice to have a goal.
• I am leaving Eli for the night for the first.time.ever. to go to my high school reunion this weekend. I have gone into his room every night for the last three years and checked on him, and made sure his covers were pulled up, and it will be weird to spend the night without him. It will be pretty nice for the first time in three years to NOT get up at 7 AM if I don't feel like it. It isn't that I don't think he'll be JUST FINE, better than fine actually, it is more that *I* won't be the one there doing the stuff, making his dinner, getting him ready for bed etc. He'll be with his aunt and uncle and they will have fun together and I doubt he'll even really miss us, but I'll miss him. (must remember to put out his insurance card and list of pre approved organic, sugar free snacks)
• I need to get measured for a bra. I never have been properly measured but after some trials and tribulations I settled into a 36 C for a very long time. Now, after having lost almost 60 lbs (whooo hooo) my boobs have gotten smaller and I'm guessing my...uhh...circumference(?) is smaller too. I have tried to get smaller sizes but I keep getting it wrong, but I'm still too embarrassed to get sized. I keep imagining some tiny teenage girl measuring me at Victoria's Secret and then texting to her BFF what a loser I am after I leave....any suggestions?

too much?

I graduated from high school 15 years ago (yikes!), this weekend is our first reunion. When I graduated I was a sad, chubby girl (size 10) whose boyfriend of 2 years just inexplicably broke up with her. I had no plans to go to college and I was really confused about what I was going to do.

Now I'm a sad 32 year-old with an amazing husband and the world's cutest kid. I have no job so I'm embarrassed about that, but I plan on dazzling them with my new body and my super cute shoes, but I'm afraid they may be a bit too stripper, but maybe I don't care.


I took the shoes outside to take their picture because I wanted you to see that they are a deep purple color, not black.
This dress definitely looks much cuter than this on, it reminds me a little of MadMen so I think it is sexy.

This was almost my favorite part of the dress. I originally tried on a size 8, but it was too big. HOLY SHIT. I came out of the dressing room and loudly said "this is too big, Teddy will you please go get me a size 6." I was so excited. The dressing room attendant and her boyfriend seemed unimpressed.

I really wanted to get a dress from Anthropologie, but I just felt too guilty about the money, so I ended up getting this dress from Target and the shoes from Kohls. I am happy with them, and I think they are going to look pretty good, although the shoes may be a bit too much...

before and now

It is very hard for me to find pictures of myself from the first couple of years of Eli's life. There are two main reasons for this, one is that I am typically the one taking the pictures and the other is that I have deleted most of the pictures of me because I look fat. This makes me sad now because there are very few pictures of Eli and I together. I know I wasn't looking my best, but I wish I would have known that there would be a day that I would want those pictures regardless of how I looked.

I am still working on weight loss and making healthy eating choices and exercising but I am really proud of how far I have come. I understand that Sports Illustrated will not be knocking on my door anytime soon for their swimsuit edition, but I can look at pictures of me in a swimsuit and not want to cry.

The funny thing is when I downloaded the pictures I opened one of them and wondered for a minute who the lady was holding Eli's hand, because it was surely not me. I still imagine myself to be fat, and when I saw that picture I was surprised because that person doesn't look like what I imagine myself to look like. I hope someday the outside and the inside can come together and I can start looking good, and feeling good. I think that day is coming.

Nine

Yesterday Teddy and I "celebrated" our 9th Anniversary. I say "celebrated" because we went to kid's night at a local restaurant and there was a balloon animal artist, and a pinata. We had a really nice time getting to sit around with my sister and her family, but we were both a little bummed we didn't get to have a romantic night.

Our anniversary has been severely overshadowed for the last four years by a tiny little boy. I get so wrapped up in planning birthday parties that I tend to forget about our anniversary until it is an after thought. We are really hoping that we do something fancy for our 10th anniversary next year, like get drunk in Florida (what? we live in Alabama now...getting drunk in Florida is fancy).

One thing I did think of yesterday while I was jogging was that if you were ever looking for motivation to stay fit and attractive for your partner, move to a town of 20,000 college students. I'm pretty sure after seeing the 100th pair of firm, tan thighs that I ran a little harder and little longer....Bless Teddy's heart for being a little too absent minded professor-y to always notice, but I'm sure he has to notice sometimes, I mean for God's sake these girls are so FIRM that *I* notice.

Anyway, that was a weird sidetrack, but I wanted you to know that in the battle of me against my router, I finally won (after purchasing a new one) and I am coming to you from my dining room table, so I will be around to visit soon, because I missed you guys.

officially not fat

When I first started Weight Watchers my BMI was in the "obese" category. Today when I weighed in I officially moved into the "healthy" category. In my mind this means I am officially NOT fat (although quite honestly I still feel fat). I have identified myself for almost my entire life as "fat."

I have lost 10% of my body weight three times (confusingly to me this does not equal 30%, I am still a few pounds away from having lost 30% of my body weight). Today I hit my third goal. It has taken me FIVE months to lose fifteen pounds, but I did it. I am moving on to a new goal of losing another 10 pounds, it might take me another five months, but I can do it.

I used to believe that I couldn't do it, when people would say "if I can do it, so can you!" I never believed them, and I honestly believed they had something inside them that I just didn't have. I am here to say SERIOUSLY if I can do it, so can you!

PS My laptop charger/cord thingumabob broke and now we can't use our laptop because we don't have a way to charge it...I have ordered a new one but until then I can only check on you in bloggy land at work.

PPS After SEVERAL weird delays (which included the car dealer driving Teddy from Manhattan to NJ to get me to sign a paper today) we are finally in possession of our new car, I am seriously hoping cars last a good 50-60 years because I will shoot myself in the face if I have to do that again.

PPPS This is my last week of work. HOLY SHIT.

Things I'm not clever enough to write whole blog posts about.

1. Remember this? Now look at it. This is equally exciting and terrifying...OK maybe not equally maybe leaning more toward terrifying but still exciting. OK maybe more like 60% terrifying and 40% exciting ..Mmmmm maybe like 70/30...OK maybe more like 100% terrifying until we move, unpack, I get a job, and we are all settled in. THEN it will be mostly exciting....Like 80/20.

2. This is also terrifying me, looking at these boxes...that I've packed...because we are moving. ACK. I'm not trying to be over dramatic but twice today I've looked at that stack of boxes and felt a wave of nausea so strong I had to sit down...Oh I just LOVE being me sometimes. (Eli LOVES that pink cat carrier... I have never seen him play with anything as much as he plays with that. He carries a stuffed cat around in it and just really amuses himself.) (Oh that reminds me we went to Target yesterday and I told him he could pick out some Band Aids and he picked out the Barbie ones.)
3. At Target yesterday I got ANOTHER bottle of this:
I am now obsessed with having tan legs and I moved on from the light version to the medium. I think I may have a problem and I might need an intervention soon. I had a friend who once told me "tan fat is better than pale fat" and by Jesus she was right. It also has FIRMING. I have no idea if it is actually firming anything, but I like to believe it is.
4. There are (hardly ever) benefits to be married to a dude that writes about children's music, but we got a free copy of Mr. Leebot's new CD and it is awesome. I totally would have even paid for it, which is saying a lot because I never buy CDs.
5. I have still been jogging, at least 4 times a week and usually about 20 miles a week, but I haven't been losing weight. I have been journaling, but not staying with in my Weight Watchers POINTS ( I have no idea why that is all caps but on the WW site it is always written like that ) This has been the first week, in weeks and weeks, I stayed with in my POINTS and I'm hoping to finally have a loss.
6. TLC is killing me. I mean it. I can't stand to see another ad for I didn't know I was pregnant, because it makes me want to punch someone in their chocha. I have been pregnant, and I don't buy it. And I know, I know that your sister's, cousin's, friend had a baby in the toilet because FOR REALS she didn't know she was pregnant and I'm calling BULLSHIT. Anyway, now there is 650 lb Virgin, and I just can't bear it.

I think that is all I got for now...although I could write more about my love for House Hunters and any documentary about someone getting murdered, but I'll save those topics for later.

Thirty-two

As I was running today I was thinking about how I am in the best shape of my life. This both makes me really proud, and also frustrates me. I was thinking about how I spent my twenties drinking too much, smoking too much, and eating too much ( do you sense a bit of an oral fixation?)...although there is not much I would change about things, since ultimately all those things led me to where I am today, but I do wish I would have taken better care of my body.

I was also thinking about how this is the happiest I have ever been. I still have days where I feel depressed, or unbelievably anxious, but overall I feel happy. I have a great husband and a wonderful son. My parents are alive and although they are both alcoholics, one functioning, one in recovery, they are in decent health (presumably, since neither one will get a check-up). I'm really excited about the upcoming move and spending more time with my sister and her family.

I'm in the process of buying my first car. This is really exciting to me even though at my age I'm sure most people have owned their own car before. I am looking forward to a new job, I don't know if I'll get the chance to change careers or if I'll end up doing something similar to what I'm doing now, but I'm excited to find out. I spend most nights watching House Hunters and making fun of what people wear (tiny shirts over inexplicably bigger shirts) and say (man room!), and I'm really happy.

Teddy and I have been talking about how this area can really beat you down. I feel like there is always this competition to do better, and make more, and do more, and be MORE FABULOUS, and it has just been really getting to me. I felt like I could never keep up and that real happiness was just out of my reach, like if I could just make more money, or get a better job, or find a bigger apartment then maybe I would be happy, but I always felt like I was chasing something I just couldn't reach...now I feel like I'm going on a permanent vacation where people are just happy to BE and it isn't always a competition.

I've always been anxious and I go through bouts of depression but I feel better now than I can ever remember and I'm starting to wonder if it is all related to my health (some of you are probably shouting DUH! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!) . I'm hoping to keep up my running schedule and I would still like to lose another ten pounds, but for just today I'm going to be happy.

Jogging Blogging, part three: Invested.

One of the reasons I decided I would start jogging is because it was "free." I laughed at this the other day when Teddy and I were in our local Fleet Feet...all the sudden my free exercises has started to get very expensive. I have now invested in running shoes, running shorts, a running headband (worthless because I think my head is either too small or too big and it always pops off), my Nike+, and special no chaffing stuff for my friend's big fat thighs. (not pictured: lots of colorful sports bras, and several pairs of yoga pants)

The reason I'm mentioning these things is because Bea recently asked me what my motivation is to keep up my running schedule. I thought about it for a while, and really right now my motivation is I spent money on this shit and I'm not going to waste it. I'm too stubborn and I would feel stupid if I spent money on expensive running shoes, and then never wore them.

I don't have a specific running schedule, I just go outside and run at least every other day. Some days I run as fast as I can for 30 minutes, some days I run slower for 45 minutes, and some days I pick a distance and I don't stop until I've run that distance. I keep doing it because I'm terrified that if I don't I will become fat again almost instantly. I have this vivid imagination of me wearing a giant flesh colored body stocking thing that is holding in all my fat. I imagine the day I stop running this thing will burst at the seams and I will instantly gain back the 50 lbs I've worked so hard to lose.

Bea also asked about how do you run faster, and the best advice I have for that is something I read on another website (I think it was about.com) and the advice was "just run faster." It feels uncomfortable and like your lungs are going to burst, but after a couple of days it actually helps increase the speed of your comfortable jog...does that make sense? For example I was running a 9 minute mile, and then for a week I ran as fast as I could for 30 minutes and I was averaging around a 7:45 mile, well then the next week when I went back to a comfortable pace I'm running about a 8:15 mile now...see?

So to wrap it all up I have some real inspirational words for you: Run even if you don't want too, just run faster, and buy some expensive shoes. There, after three months I'm a jogging guru.

expectations

I tend to build up a lot of expectations about things...It isn't that I have great expectations it is just that I have expectations...One of my many, many delightful quirks is that I have these expectations and if they aren't met it can completely ruin my day, or month, or six months.

Yesterday Teddy and I took the day off and spent the day together walking around NYC. I had been thinking about our day and I had decided I wanted to go to a nice cafe, maybe somewhere in the West Village, off the beaten path. I wanted to sit outside, or at least have a nice view of the people walking by, and enjoy a nice salad and maybe a Hoegarden. I knew this kind of place existed because I had the exact one in mind I wanted to go to (except the one I was thinking about was in SOHO, but I just knew I could find something similar in the West Village). We spent a good two hours looking for the exact right place and nothing was good enough. Finally we settled on a restaurant and it was all wrong and it ruined the rest of my day.

Yesterday was a mild example, all it did was ruin the afternoon, which I still realize is ridiculous but there have been other times when I completely lost my shit because things weren't what I expected. When we moved from Alabama to NJ I had never seen the apartment or the area we were moving too. I mistakenly trusted Teddy's brother to find us a place. I had pictured something similar to the area I live now, quaint , with beautiful brownstones, a cute downtown area and lots of parks...what I got was a dump. It was dirty and the buildings were horrible...our apartment was awful and very few people in the area spoke English. I had a panic attack for probably two months. I'm not saying I should have been delighted by my circumstances, but I'm sure I could have handled it better.

I haven't been blogging, or commenting as much lately because I have been in a funk. I'm starting to get very nervous that the move to Alabama won't meet my expectations and I'll sink into my depression/funk/never ending panic attack. I start anticipating the all day nausea, the cold sweats, the insomnia and I start getting depressed and anxious now ABOUT SOMETHING IN THE FUTURE THAT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN (another one of my delightful quirks).

I have continued to exercise and I do find that it helps the anxiety, but I have been constantly craving sugar and sweets. I have given into the temptation more than I should, but finally this last week I lost 1.2 pounds after having stayed the same weight for the last five weeks.

I am just counting down the days until we move, stuck in a weird funk trying to decide if I'm going to be OK or not. I know I'll be OK eventually, I just don't know how long it will take.

holding pattern

I haven't lost any weight in four WEEKS. I have been jogging at least 4 times a week, but I think all the extra jogging is making me HUNGRY, or at least that is what I am going to use as my excuse. While we were at my sister's house I ate a movie theater sized box of candy A DAY. I don't know how exactly this happened but candy kept appearing, and I kept shoving it in my mouth. I'm not even sorry, it was delicious. I am a huge candy fan..Skittles, Twizzlers, gummy bears, whatever, I love it...give me a bag of sugar and a spoon and really I'd be happy. Teddy really only likes chocolate candy, I don't understand this.

Speaking of jogging I have been really frustrated with it lately. I have been jogging fairly frequently for about 3 months now, and I still don't really like it. I like the way I feel when I'm DONE but for a majority of the time I am actually jogging I'm pissed that it sucks, and I don't enjoy it. I find myself hating the stupid fuckers in line at the Mr. Softee truck because goddamn it I want to be in line at the Mr. Softee truck not running around in circles like some sort of sweaty douche. I don't know if I will ever like it, but I keep doing it, and that does make me proud.

*****************

Since Eli's second Birthday (which was 9.5 months ago) I have been contemplating the big 3 of toddlerhood for our family.

1. Get rid of the pacifiers
2. Potty Train
3. Big boy bed

I have been really hesitant about these things for one major reason->I LIKE TO SLEEP. I am afraid doing any one of these things is going to end up ruining my sleep.

We made a big step last week and we ordered Eli a toddler bed with the Christmas money my dad gave us over Memorial Day (yeah, that is how he rolls). The bed came on Friday and Eli was so excited Teddy put the bed together for him and he insisted on sleeping in it. So far it has actually gone better than I expected. He gets up and wanders around a lot, but honestly less than I thought he would.

The next step is potty training...I honestly have no clue where to even start. We want to try and have him potty trained before we move. The pre-school we have picked out for him wants the kids to be potty trained for the more advanced class, the remedial pee in your pants kids have to be in a different class and I don't want poor Eli to miss out on the fun stuff because he is in the pee pants class.

The pacifier...ahh I don't even know. It is really his comfort item and I sort of hate to take it away before such a big stresser for all of us...I will focus on potty training next and when that is over I'll start thinking about the pacifiers...

******************

This weekend Eli and I were chilling on the couch watching Oswald and Eli turned to me and put his hand on my check and said "you're a sweet girl."

one more week.

A reminder from April 8, of last month....

And today. It could still be better, but the size 8's that I bought to wear to Teddy's show, fit. I can breath, they button, and goddammit I am wearing them.

In other related news, my month of me had a major set back today. I decided to dye my hair a more fun and vibrant color and it ended up looking more like Ronald McDonald. Let me see if I can find the color...


So you see how happy and pretty that girl looks? I look the opposite, I am embarrassed and sad. My hair looks like a blind crack whore did it. Not only are some parts WAY redder but it seems like other parts didn't really change at all. It is like my hair is now camouflage. It is hideous. I will post some photographic evidence tomorrow because I didn't embarrass myself enough by putting up a picture of me squeezed into too small pants.