Friday, July 30, 2010

maybe the answer should just be to stop watching that horrible show

I have a confession to make (that I've probably made before)...I like horrible reality TV. My most recent being Bethenny Getting Married. It is horrible...She is horrible, and yet I'm transfixed. The main storyline is that she is pregnant (and as you can probably assume from the title, getting married).

The part I'm the most interested in is her pregnancy/newborn story line. I'm ALWAYS watching shows and reading blogs about people having babies. My hope is to one day find someone who shares my same experience (and then I'll stalk them and hunt them down just to give them a hug and maybe ask if they'll snuggle with me a little because I am just that desperate)

The episode last night was Bethenny and her new husband coming home from the hospital with their newborn. I could not have had a more DIFFERENT experience. They seemed relatively calm, they did normal things, they absolutely GUSHED about how much they loved their baby. It was all so foreign to me.

When Eli was born the VERY FIRST THING I thought when they showed him to me was "wow, I don't know that person." I guess I really thought that having spent 40 weeks talking to him and carrying him around inside of me I would know him when he was born. I also remember not really loving him. It isn't that I didn't love him, it is more that I was so consumed with keeping him alive that love wasn't my first emotion...anxiety was.

I remember thinking after his birth that I wasn't normal, and I would never feel normal again. I remember watching other people have babies and they would do what I considered to be normal things (go out to eat, talk on the phone, make dinner) and I just couldn't understand how that was possible. I couldn't do anything except cry and worry.

I keep thinking about these things because Teddy and I continue to talk about trying to have another one (although we can't now due to our finances and insurance stuff which makes me sad and frustrated too). I wonder if the second time around I'll have the experience that most other people describe, or I wonder if I'll have a repeat of the first time.

My baby is almost 4 (can you believe that? He is a full fledged KID who has hairy legs and is about 3/4 the size I am!) and I still am not over my postpartum experience. I really don't think that will ever change, but I wonder if having another will help me get over the first experience OR if it will be a big fat kick in the face like the first one was. I guess it shows how much I love my kid NOW if I'd be even willing to try that again.

( I forget to tell you about the cakes. I know you are just DYING to know. The one that is by FAR superior is mine...the one on the left with the slice....My sister made the other one, but today is her birthday and you probably hurt her feelings when you said mine was so much better so you should go give her some love)

4 comments:

Tammie said...

interesting.

when i had my son, i was very stressed. i wont go so far as to say depressed, but i had other things on my mind than loving him. there is just so much you have to do and it all comes at you at once and it can be so overwhelming. the first week after monty was born, jay and my mom both took off of work to hang out with us. the second week, i was on my own and i remember FREAKING OUT.

with lucy, everything was different. its not that it was easier, but i had done it before and was a bit more confident in my abilities. i knew to just take the time to enjoy the sweet babiness of her, because it would all go away soon.

creative kerfuffle said...

regarding the show--i haven't seen that one but i feel the same way about those kardashian shows. train.wrecks. and i can't stop watching it when i come across it.
as for the baby thing--i don't have any words of wisdom but regardless of how you felt about your son in the beginning it is more than obvious that you love him now and that you are a good mom. isn't that REALLY what matters?

lastchanceivf said...

I feel so sad for you that you had to go through so horrible time when Eli was young. PPD is so often misunderstood and I am sure--though you have not found them it seems--that there are many women who went through similar circumstances but for some reason do not talk about it. As the previous commenter said, it's obvious how devote you are to Eli and that is a beautiful thing.
As far as a second baby, I think it's impossible to predict what may or may not happen--but maybe just the knowledge of your first experience will help. You guys are awesome parents and another kid deserves to have you, too :)

Meg said...

I had a pretty "normal" response when my kids were born, but when Jonah was hospitalized at 5 weeks, I was super crazy. I didn't want to hold him much, and just kind of distanced myself in a way I'm now ashamed of. I think I was so worried that I just couldn't get too close, love too much, when I was afraid of losing him. Ever since, people have accused me of favoring him, so I guess I got over that.

For me, PPD didn't happen until I stopped nursing the twins. Or maybe I didn't notice it until then because I was too sleep deprived (read: batshit crazy). Still have some lingering monthly psychosis, but the pill has helped. I think it's important to just give yourself a break. You're a great mom, and the transition to motherhood is different for everyone. I think you have to fall in love with your baby just like a lover (well, not EXACTLY). And the good part is, you get to do that over and over as they grow up into little people.