expectations

I tend to build up a lot of expectations about things...It isn't that I have great expectations it is just that I have expectations...One of my many, many delightful quirks is that I have these expectations and if they aren't met it can completely ruin my day, or month, or six months.

Yesterday Teddy and I took the day off and spent the day together walking around NYC. I had been thinking about our day and I had decided I wanted to go to a nice cafe, maybe somewhere in the West Village, off the beaten path. I wanted to sit outside, or at least have a nice view of the people walking by, and enjoy a nice salad and maybe a Hoegarden. I knew this kind of place existed because I had the exact one in mind I wanted to go to (except the one I was thinking about was in SOHO, but I just knew I could find something similar in the West Village). We spent a good two hours looking for the exact right place and nothing was good enough. Finally we settled on a restaurant and it was all wrong and it ruined the rest of my day.

Yesterday was a mild example, all it did was ruin the afternoon, which I still realize is ridiculous but there have been other times when I completely lost my shit because things weren't what I expected. When we moved from Alabama to NJ I had never seen the apartment or the area we were moving too. I mistakenly trusted Teddy's brother to find us a place. I had pictured something similar to the area I live now, quaint , with beautiful brownstones, a cute downtown area and lots of parks...what I got was a dump. It was dirty and the buildings were horrible...our apartment was awful and very few people in the area spoke English. I had a panic attack for probably two months. I'm not saying I should have been delighted by my circumstances, but I'm sure I could have handled it better.

I haven't been blogging, or commenting as much lately because I have been in a funk. I'm starting to get very nervous that the move to Alabama won't meet my expectations and I'll sink into my depression/funk/never ending panic attack. I start anticipating the all day nausea, the cold sweats, the insomnia and I start getting depressed and anxious now ABOUT SOMETHING IN THE FUTURE THAT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN (another one of my delightful quirks).

I have continued to exercise and I do find that it helps the anxiety, but I have been constantly craving sugar and sweets. I have given into the temptation more than I should, but finally this last week I lost 1.2 pounds after having stayed the same weight for the last five weeks.

I am just counting down the days until we move, stuck in a weird funk trying to decide if I'm going to be OK or not. I know I'll be OK eventually, I just don't know how long it will take.