Thirty-two

As I was running today I was thinking about how I am in the best shape of my life. This both makes me really proud, and also frustrates me. I was thinking about how I spent my twenties drinking too much, smoking too much, and eating too much ( do you sense a bit of an oral fixation?)...although there is not much I would change about things, since ultimately all those things led me to where I am today, but I do wish I would have taken better care of my body.

I was also thinking about how this is the happiest I have ever been. I still have days where I feel depressed, or unbelievably anxious, but overall I feel happy. I have a great husband and a wonderful son. My parents are alive and although they are both alcoholics, one functioning, one in recovery, they are in decent health (presumably, since neither one will get a check-up). I'm really excited about the upcoming move and spending more time with my sister and her family.

I'm in the process of buying my first car. This is really exciting to me even though at my age I'm sure most people have owned their own car before. I am looking forward to a new job, I don't know if I'll get the chance to change careers or if I'll end up doing something similar to what I'm doing now, but I'm excited to find out. I spend most nights watching House Hunters and making fun of what people wear (tiny shirts over inexplicably bigger shirts) and say (man room!), and I'm really happy.

Teddy and I have been talking about how this area can really beat you down. I feel like there is always this competition to do better, and make more, and do more, and be MORE FABULOUS, and it has just been really getting to me. I felt like I could never keep up and that real happiness was just out of my reach, like if I could just make more money, or get a better job, or find a bigger apartment then maybe I would be happy, but I always felt like I was chasing something I just couldn't reach...now I feel like I'm going on a permanent vacation where people are just happy to BE and it isn't always a competition.

I've always been anxious and I go through bouts of depression but I feel better now than I can ever remember and I'm starting to wonder if it is all related to my health (some of you are probably shouting DUH! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!) . I'm hoping to keep up my running schedule and I would still like to lose another ten pounds, but for just today I'm going to be happy.