Friday, July 30, 2010

maybe the answer should just be to stop watching that horrible show

I have a confession to make (that I've probably made before)...I like horrible reality TV. My most recent being Bethenny Getting Married. It is horrible...She is horrible, and yet I'm transfixed. The main storyline is that she is pregnant (and as you can probably assume from the title, getting married).

The part I'm the most interested in is her pregnancy/newborn story line. I'm ALWAYS watching shows and reading blogs about people having babies. My hope is to one day find someone who shares my same experience (and then I'll stalk them and hunt them down just to give them a hug and maybe ask if they'll snuggle with me a little because I am just that desperate)

The episode last night was Bethenny and her new husband coming home from the hospital with their newborn. I could not have had a more DIFFERENT experience. They seemed relatively calm, they did normal things, they absolutely GUSHED about how much they loved their baby. It was all so foreign to me.

When Eli was born the VERY FIRST THING I thought when they showed him to me was "wow, I don't know that person." I guess I really thought that having spent 40 weeks talking to him and carrying him around inside of me I would know him when he was born. I also remember not really loving him. It isn't that I didn't love him, it is more that I was so consumed with keeping him alive that love wasn't my first emotion...anxiety was.

I remember thinking after his birth that I wasn't normal, and I would never feel normal again. I remember watching other people have babies and they would do what I considered to be normal things (go out to eat, talk on the phone, make dinner) and I just couldn't understand how that was possible. I couldn't do anything except cry and worry.

I keep thinking about these things because Teddy and I continue to talk about trying to have another one (although we can't now due to our finances and insurance stuff which makes me sad and frustrated too). I wonder if the second time around I'll have the experience that most other people describe, or I wonder if I'll have a repeat of the first time.

My baby is almost 4 (can you believe that? He is a full fledged KID who has hairy legs and is about 3/4 the size I am!) and I still am not over my postpartum experience. I really don't think that will ever change, but I wonder if having another will help me get over the first experience OR if it will be a big fat kick in the face like the first one was. I guess it shows how much I love my kid NOW if I'd be even willing to try that again.

( I forget to tell you about the cakes. I know you are just DYING to know. The one that is by FAR superior is mine...the one on the left with the slice....My sister made the other one, but today is her birthday and you probably hurt her feelings when you said mine was so much better so you should go give her some love)

Monday, July 5, 2010

You decide.

My sister and I had a competition on who could make the best Watermelon Cake for 4th of July. It was based on a picture we saw in Women's Day Magazine. She is going to try to tell you it was about TASTE...but if you are having a competition based on LOOKS I think it is obvious that taste isn't as much of a factor.

Which one looks more like the picture?

Friday, July 2, 2010

two years

Yesterday when I was flipping my calender over at work to July (holy hell! how is it July?) I started thinking about how I had started my weight loss/health journey in May 2008 and now it has been OVER two years since I begun. I am still holding steady at a size 6 and around 135 pounds. I started at 191 lbs and a size 16/18.

One of my recent goals has been to wear a bikini on our 10 year anniversary trip, coming up NEXT MONTH. I bought a bikini, and then I decided that bikini was just too small, I needed a bikini that covered more area if that existed...

I ended up finding one at The Gap that I liked and I ordered it..and well, it's not good. I just started Weight Watchers again and I would really like to get off a few pounds so that I can wear that bikini and not die of embarrassment. I even took some before pictures to show you and I'm just not sure that is going to happen.

One of the things I have thought about a lot lately is the fact that I may have to start lowering my expectations. I am just not ever going to be a tiny person...I think my thighs will always be tree trunk sized and will rub together for ever more. I don't think I'm going to look like a swimsuit model anytime soon, and I'm guessing at 33 my breasts aren't going to magically perk up and my stomach is probably not ever going to be completely flat.

I need to celebrate how far I've come, instead of constantly fretting about how much better it could be.

August 2008 (that's me in the very tiny baby with my sister, and my wack a doodle mother)
May 2010

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I am good at parenting.

A YEAR ago I wrote a post about the trifecta of parenting for our family. They were as follows:

1. getting rid of the pacifiers
2. potty train
3. big boy bed.

Luckily #3 was really not that big of a deal, and we shall never speak of #2 again, but it is done (and actually has been done for a long time now). I am embarrassed to admit we just got to #1 last Friday. Eli will be 4 in two months. Shut up.

Oh it has been hell for all of us. He is not sleeping, we are not sleeping. He is cranky and irritable, we are cranky and irritable. I know I should have dealt with this A LONG ass time ago, but it was a hard thing for ME to do. I was a thumb sucker until I was like 9 (OK FINE 12) (FINE just because my sister reads this 15). It was HARD for me to stop, and pretty much once I stopped sucking my thumb I started that really filled that gap.

Please remind me of this (kindly, because I am sensitive) if I ever have another kid with a pacifier addiction!

This is a video as much for me as it is for you. I need to remember that my tiny baby is an adorable kid and not just a huge pain in the ass!

Untitled from Penny InExile on Vimeo.

Do you recognize the song? Extra points if you do!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

five is not enough

I was talking to Teddy this afternoon and complaining that even though the two of us have FIVE jobs together (I have two part time jobs and Teddy has a quarter time job, a part time job, and a freelance gig) we are still just scraping by. It is ridiculous and even though it is super frustrating I am glad to have too many jobs rather than not enough...

We are still enjoying luxuries we could get rid of in order to have more going out/food money (really my main vice is I like going out to eat). We have cable, DVR and Internet. I have a new car I could downsize, we spend money on crap we don't need. We have been doing much better on our grocery bills and are typically spending on average around 100$ a week instead of 150$. I said in an earlier post that I'm embarrassed by my current circumstances and I am. I think that coming here for Teddy to get his PhD is a good idea in the LONG run, but now it makes me feel like we made an irresponsible choice.

My dad asked Teddy over the weekend how he felt about being 1/4 of the way done with school and Teddy said he was feeling good, but guilty that he brought his family down here and wasn't making enough money. My dad looked at Teddy and said "don't worry I can help too." HA HA HA. Oh, don't get me wrong I love my dad, and if my arm fell off and I needed money for surgery to put it back on he would help me...and we could set up a nice payment plan for me to pay him back. He is generous with dinners out and well, that is about it. He has never once just offered me money to help out. I know I shouldn't expect him to give me money, I get that, but it is just that I happen to know so many people who have had LOADS of parental help (financially) that I get bitter when I think about it too much.

This is my stream of consciousness writing since I am lonely because Teddy is at his first night of his new summer job. I was left responsible for feeding myself and Eli so I had two sandwiches and Eli had a jelly sandwich, string cheese, and watermelon. Good parenting high five!

Things I still want to talk about:
  • jogging in the million degree Alabama heat
  • how much money do you need to have that second kid
  • my pets and my totem poll of caring
  • and MUCH MORE.

Monday, June 7, 2010


It may be the ONLY time it happens this year.

Monday, May 31, 2010

same as it ever was.

Oh dear. What happened? It is embarrassing that the real answer is...nothing. I have been in a bit of a ...mood...let's call it. I feel insignificant and sort of embarrassed by my current life circumstances and it has just made me not want to post. I have kept up with my bloggy friends and SO much has happened and I feel like a jerk for not keeping up, then I feel like a jerk because I don't feel like I have anything of value to add. I just needed to get something out here so that big gap didn't keep mocking me. I'll be back soon with some real updates, in the meantime please forgive me for being a douche, I really do love you!