maybe the answer should just be to stop watching that horrible show

I have a confession to make (that I've probably made before)...I like horrible reality TV. My most recent being Bethenny Getting Married. It is horrible...She is horrible, and yet I'm transfixed. The main storyline is that she is pregnant (and as you can probably assume from the title, getting married).

The part I'm the most interested in is her pregnancy/newborn story line. I'm ALWAYS watching shows and reading blogs about people having babies. My hope is to one day find someone who shares my same experience (and then I'll stalk them and hunt them down just to give them a hug and maybe ask if they'll snuggle with me a little because I am just that desperate)

The episode last night was Bethenny and her new husband coming home from the hospital with their newborn. I could not have had a more DIFFERENT experience. They seemed relatively calm, they did normal things, they absolutely GUSHED about how much they loved their baby. It was all so foreign to me.

When Eli was born the VERY FIRST THING I thought when they showed him to me was "wow, I don't know that person." I guess I really thought that having spent 40 weeks talking to him and carrying him around inside of me I would know him when he was born. I also remember not really loving him. It isn't that I didn't love him, it is more that I was so consumed with keeping him alive that love wasn't my first emotion...anxiety was.

I remember thinking after his birth that I wasn't normal, and I would never feel normal again. I remember watching other people have babies and they would do what I considered to be normal things (go out to eat, talk on the phone, make dinner) and I just couldn't understand how that was possible. I couldn't do anything except cry and worry.

I keep thinking about these things because Teddy and I continue to talk about trying to have another one (although we can't now due to our finances and insurance stuff which makes me sad and frustrated too). I wonder if the second time around I'll have the experience that most other people describe, or I wonder if I'll have a repeat of the first time.

My baby is almost 4 (can you believe that? He is a full fledged KID who has hairy legs and is about 3/4 the size I am!) and I still am not over my postpartum experience. I really don't think that will ever change, but I wonder if having another will help me get over the first experience OR if it will be a big fat kick in the face like the first one was. I guess it shows how much I love my kid NOW if I'd be even willing to try that again.

( I forget to tell you about the cakes. I know you are just DYING to know. The one that is by FAR superior is mine...the one on the left with the slice....My sister made the other one, but today is her birthday and you probably hurt her feelings when you said mine was so much better so you should go give her some love)

You decide.

My sister and I had a competition on who could make the best Watermelon Cake for 4th of July. It was based on a picture we saw in Women's Day Magazine. She is going to try to tell you it was about TASTE...but if you are having a competition based on LOOKS I think it is obvious that taste isn't as much of a factor.



Which one looks more like the picture?

two years

Yesterday when I was flipping my calender over at work to July (holy hell! how is it July?) I started thinking about how I had started my weight loss/health journey in May 2008 and now it has been OVER two years since I begun. I am still holding steady at a size 6 and around 135 pounds. I started at 191 lbs and a size 16/18.

One of my recent goals has been to wear a bikini on our 10 year anniversary trip, coming up NEXT MONTH. I bought a bikini, and then I decided that bikini was just too small, I needed a bikini that covered more area if that existed...

I ended up finding one at The Gap that I liked and I ordered it..and well, it's not good. I just started Weight Watchers again and I would really like to get off a few pounds so that I can wear that bikini and not die of embarrassment. I even took some before pictures to show you and I'm just not sure that is going to happen.

One of the things I have thought about a lot lately is the fact that I may have to start lowering my expectations. I am just not ever going to be a tiny person...I think my thighs will always be tree trunk sized and will rub together for ever more. I don't think I'm going to look like a swimsuit model anytime soon, and I'm guessing at 33 my breasts aren't going to magically perk up and my stomach is probably not ever going to be completely flat.

I need to celebrate how far I've come, instead of constantly fretting about how much better it could be.


August 2008 (that's me in the very front...my tiny baby with my sister, and my wack a doodle mother)
May 2010

I am good at parenting.

A YEAR ago I wrote a post about the trifecta of parenting for our family. They were as follows:

1. getting rid of the pacifiers
2. potty train
3. big boy bed.

Luckily #3 was really not that big of a deal, and we shall never speak of #2 again, but it is done (and actually has been done for a long time now). I am embarrassed to admit we just got to #1 last Friday. Eli will be 4 in two months. Shut up.

Oh it has been hell for all of us. He is not sleeping, we are not sleeping. He is cranky and irritable, we are cranky and irritable. I know I should have dealt with this A LONG ass time ago, but it was a hard thing for ME to do. I was a thumb sucker until I was like 9 (OK FINE 12) (FINE just because my sister reads this 15). It was HARD for me to stop, and pretty much once I stopped sucking my thumb I started smoking...so that really filled that gap.

Please remind me of this (kindly, because I am sensitive) if I ever have another kid with a pacifier addiction!

This is a video as much for me as it is for you. I need to remember that my tiny baby is an adorable kid and not just a huge pain in the ass!

Untitled from Penny InExile on Vimeo.

Do you recognize the song? Extra points if you do!

five is not enough

I was talking to Teddy this afternoon and complaining that even though the two of us have FIVE jobs together (I have two part time jobs and Teddy has a quarter time job, a part time job, and a freelance gig) we are still just scraping by. It is ridiculous and even though it is super frustrating I am glad to have too many jobs rather than not enough...

We are still enjoying luxuries we could get rid of in order to have more going out/food money (really my main vice is I like going out to eat). We have cable, DVR and Internet. I have a new car I could downsize, we spend money on crap we don't need. We have been doing much better on our grocery bills and are typically spending on average around 100$ a week instead of 150$. I said in an earlier post that I'm embarrassed by my current circumstances and I am. I think that coming here for Teddy to get his PhD is a good idea in the LONG run, but now it makes me feel like we made an irresponsible choice.

My dad asked Teddy over the weekend how he felt about being 1/4 of the way done with school and Teddy said he was feeling good, but guilty that he brought his family down here and wasn't making enough money. My dad looked at Teddy and said "don't worry I can help too." HA HA HA. Oh, don't get me wrong I love my dad, and if my arm fell off and I needed money for surgery to put it back on he would help me...and we could set up a nice payment plan for me to pay him back. He is generous with dinners out and well, that is about it. He has never once just offered me money to help out. I know I shouldn't expect him to give me money, I get that, but it is just that I happen to know so many people who have had LOADS of parental help (financially) that I get bitter when I think about it too much.

This is my stream of consciousness writing since I am lonely because Teddy is at his first night of his new summer job. I was left responsible for feeding myself and Eli so I had two sandwiches and Eli had a jelly sandwich, string cheese, and watermelon. Good parenting high five!

Things I still want to talk about:

• jogging in the million degree Alabama heat
• how much money do you need to have that second kid
• my pets and my totem poll of caring
• and MUCH MORE.

nine

Nine.

It may be the ONLY time it happens this year.

same as it ever was.

Oh dear. What happened? It is embarrassing that the real answer is...nothing. I have been in a bit of a ...mood...let's call it. I feel insignificant and sort of embarrassed by my current life circumstances and it has just made me not want to post. I have kept up with my bloggy friends and SO much has happened and I feel like a jerk for not keeping up, then I feel like a jerk because I don't feel like I have anything of value to add. I just needed to get something out here so that big gap didn't keep mocking me. I'll be back soon with some real updates, in the meantime please forgive me for being a douche, I really do love you!

disorder in the (food) court

I think about food all.the.time. No really. You probably think I'm exaggerating but I really do. I like to plan out all the things I'm going to eat in a day and if I know I'm going out to eat I'll look at the menu online to decide what I want so I can think about it before we go there. I think about breakfast when I eat dinner, lunch when I eat breakfast, and dinner when I eat lunch.

I love candy and sweets. If someone brings a box of donuts to work I will go in the break room several times just to LOOK at the donuts, then I'll go around and ask people if they ate the donuts and ask how they tasted. I like to look in the snack machine and think about what snack I would get, if I were to get a snack. I like to plan "parties" around eating lots of food. Easter to me? Candy day.

I obviously have relationship issues with food and yet when someone suggested to me I have an eating disorder, I was....surprised and then more interested.

I work in the mental health field, and have for some time, and it is not uncommon to sit around with your co workers and talk about your various issues/anxieties/eccentricities and diagnose each other and discuss what kind of good meds you may or may not have in your medicine cabinet.

A few days ago we were standing around work talking, and someone had delivered some food baskets to go to needy families. I peeked in the basket and saw a box of Girl Scout cookies and I mentioned that I could easily eat a whole box in one sitting (and have) and that is why I run to the opposite side of the street if I see a cute little be-pig tailed Girl Scout. One of my co workers looked at me and very seriously said "have you ever gotten therapy for your eating disorder?" I laughed and said no, and said I look freaking awesome for a girl that used to down whole boxes of Girl Scout cookies. We all had a good laugh.

I have thought about that comment several times since it was mentioned and I am not upset or annoyed, it was more that I had never considered myself to have an eating disorder and yet when I really consider my history with food, it seems like I probably do. I guess because I don't throw up, or starve myself it just never occurred to me. I am obsessed with food, and a lot of the times I just don't feel satiated. I almost always feel like I want to eat more and I just rarely feel satisfied with "normal" amounts of food. I think with the amount I run I should be SKINNY but because I like to eat so much I just can't get there.

My friend today mentioned she was feeling upset that that comment had been made about me, and honestly I told her I didn't mind. I have been more aware of what I eat, and how much these last couple of days (although it hasn't stopped me from over eating) and I understand if I would just wait a little while the urge would pass, but in that moment I just WANT the food so bad I can barely stand it.

I still don't have any answers about my relationship with food, but I jokingly told a friend that I can remember once someone in my family having a birthday and we got an Ice Cream cake from Baskin Robbins and CUT IT IN FOUR PIECES and each ate 1/4 of the cake. I think that could start explaining some things....

ETA: I just ate a piece of candy out of the trash. Do you still think I'm exaggerating?

please

I don't pray. I don't believe in God, so praying isn't really my thing. I obviously don't mind when others pray, and if people want to pray for me, I'll always take it (although I do get really annoyed when people thank God for their Oscar or for their World Series Win, it just annoys me that they are so self centered they would think it that God would give a crap about the Oscars).

Today I applied for another job online and after I did it I looked up, closed my eyes and sent a thought to the universe. I just said "please." I need a new job for my family, for my mental health, for our physical health as our insurance runs out this summer, and for my self esteem. I know if there is one giant ass list of everyone in the universe's needs/wants mine is going to be somewhere towards the bottom but dudes honestly, I deserve it. I'm a good employee. I'm a good person. I have spent the last almost 6 years helping less fortunate people for really shitty money.

This month hasn't been as bad as the last couple of months in the money department because I have my pet sitting money. I feel like the job of pet sitter should go to a college kid with acne who needs beer money..not a 33 year old woman with a Master's degree, but when money was offered I took it where normally I would have waved it off and told people they owed me one. I'm bitter and sad and honestly getting desperate. I am really thankful to have my current sucky job because I don't even like to think about where we would be without it....whereas now things are very tight, uncomfortably so, I think without we would have been absolutely screwed.

I feel stupid because we made this choice and in four years I'll probably think it is a good one (assuming Teddy gets a job), but now I'm starting to wonder if this was the best decision at this point in time. I think it will be OK, I hope it will be OK, but sometimes I start to wonder why? Why would I assume it would be OK for me, when it isn't for so many people?

Ugh, this is just so terribly depressing and emo and I swear I'm not walking around being a giant bag of depressing crap. I am usually in a pretty good mood, and I'm usually pretty happy but this is where I come to vent my frustrations so you get my angsty angst.

Next up, pictures of stuff that makes me happy...

numbers game

6- Slices of pizza I ate yesterday

60-miles I need to run to work off yesterday's pizza

2- pets I am pet sitting while friends/family go on exotic vacations

26-amount of times I've told myself to be happy for friends/family and not bitter and jealous

4- episodes of LOST on my DVR I will try and watch this weekend

15-pounds I would still like to lose

1 million -times I've said "do you understand me?' to my son

5- times I've laughed when my son has said "do you understand me?" to me

1-planned trip to Target to cheer myself up

2-people in my office with stomach flu

11-my anxiety on a scale of 1-10 about getting the above mentioned stomach flu

2-number of baby showers I'm going to in the next two weeks

0-number of babies I can have due to my current circumstances

1-number of babies I may like to have but can't due to my current circumstances

6.5-number of semesters my husband has to finish for his PhD

1-bag of expensive ass coffee bought for interne's alternative spring break

20-dollars given to co-workers Jerry's Kids charity

funk, in it.

I have been purposely ignoring my blog because honestly it is such a downer. *I* am such a downer! I tend to go through cycles of being UP and happy and being DOWN and hating everyone and their stupid ass faces. Yeah, you probably guessed right now I'm in a down cycle (but I don't hate you or your stupid ass face, your AWESOME!).

I really didn't think I'd still be working my crappy hourly job 3 months later. I really thought I'd be in something more stable and better paying by now. I am trying to stay positive about our current circumstance but it is hard, and I'm having a rough time.

I did do some much better planning and shopping this weekend (although I still spent 152$). I made a trip to WalMart (I know) and we bought a lot of our weekly staples that are cheaper than at Kroger (specifically Kashi cereal that I eat for breakfast every.day and Kashi bars that my husband takes to work with him). We bought ground turkey on sale at WalMart and we had taco salad for dinner last night and when we were cooking the turkey, after the seasoning had been added, I stirred in a can of pinto beans and a can of black beans to stretch the meal out over two days!

Here is something that is really bugging me too ...our current budget is pretty much down to the dollar and in the last week I've had one intern ask me for a donation for her Alternative Spring Break Program, one co worker ask for a donation to her Jerry's Kids charity, my boss ask for a donation for a lunch we are having for a volunteer that is leaving, and I'm going to two baby showers in the next two weeks! AGH. My regular charities are sending me sad letters and I'm just feeling like shit over it.

The good news is the weather is beautiful today, we are all fine and healthy, and we have food to eat and a roof over our head! I'll be done wallowing soon, until then feel free to move on to someone who doesn't make you want to punch them in the neck.

Um, WOW.

You guys are amazing. Seriously. I grew up in a household that did not budget, AT ALL. My parents had tons of credit card debt and we just had whatever we wanted/needed whenever. I had no idea how to budget as a young adult and therefore made a lot of mistakes...using credit cards, taking out too many student loans, bouncing checks ( I know, yikes) and really just not knowing how to live with in my means.

My husband and I were making decent salaries when we lived in NJ and were able to pay off all our debt (minus my student loans) but we were still living paycheck to paycheck. We have savings for our son, life insurance, and retirement accounts but if we became jobless we would be living off credit cards. Like I mentioned in a previous post it is now really necessary for us to start living off of a budget for the first time. Teddy is only working part time while he is in school and my salary is not enough to keep up our (old) lifestyle.

Seriously, you guys are blowing my MIND. Making your own yogurt and raising chickens? Never once entered my mind....but now that is my reality that honestly I keep trying to pretend it isn't. I keep thinking that ANY DAY NOW I will get a better paying job and we will be back to our old spending habits. The truth is ANY DAY NOW could be a year from now and I don't want to end up in debt.

I can not believe how ingenious you guys are and I'm really going to make an effort to start trying to be more thoughtful about our spending. My new BFF Biggest Diabetic Loser is helping me and she left me a comment on my previous post with some recipes for me to try out based on my area's sales. Here is the thing that is going to make her want to break up with me....We are picky meat eaters. We will eat chicken and turkey...AND that's about it. I don't really like seafood...OK that is not true I do like fish but I don't know how to cook it, and we don't really eat beef or pork.

Most recipes that call for ground beef, I will substitute in ground turkey BUT I'm guessing this really isn't economical if the turkey is not on sale. I would love to try the stuffed peppers with ground turkey, but again this is something I would have done before without any real thought to how much the turkey cost. I definitely want to try the Greek Chicken and that sounds like something we would really like. I know it probably seems ridiculous to you guys that it NEVER occurred to me to shop this way.

I'm going to do my best and I'll keep you guys updated along the way.

grocery shopping challenge

I am still struggling with my budget and this Sunday we spent 152.93 at Kroger and honestly, it still seems like I don't have enough to make whole meals. We buy a lot of produce but the most expensive things we bought was a box of Clementines and a bag of apples (a little over 6 dollars each).

I sent out a plea for you guys to help me and Bea had some good tips, and we are definitely going to plant a garden this Spring and try to grow our own tomatoes, cucumbers, and peppers (maybe some other things too). I am also trying to decide what products I should still buy organic (definitely meat and dairy for my son) and what products I can get away with not buying organic. Organic peanut butter and bread for example is much more expensive than the non organic brands.

A super nice blogger, Biggest Diabetic Loser, (she is an awesome grocery shopper and her pictures of food are KILLING me) has essentially offered to be my grocery shopping guru and I just don't think she understands what a novice she has taken under her wing. She sent me such a sweet email trying to help me out but it in it said something like "if you roast a chicken to make chicken enchiladas you can use the bones for chicken soup." Oh. Hm. Well I have never roasted a chicken and I would have absolutely NO idea how to go about doing so.

What her strategy seems to be is plan your meals based on what is on sale. OH! yes. But what if you know how to make absolutely nothing? I will tell you we eat mostly beans and rice and pasta. We aren't vegetarians, but we do try to limit what meat we eat. We don't eat or prepare red meat at home, but we do cook chicken breasts or I will make meatloaf/chili/or tacos with ground turkey aaaaaaannnnnnnnddd that is pretty much ALL I know how to make.

It is quickly becoming very important for us to make cuts wherever we can (although I refuse to cut off the cable at this point). I need to make budgeting a priority and yet I just don't WANT to. I think I need to take this grocery shopping up as a challenge and try to make it fun for the whole family. I am curious what cuts the rest of you are making if you are struggling in this tough economic time.

budget schmudget

One of the things we knew was a possibility when were discussing Teddy going back to school was that we may have less money. This has turned out to be a reality that I am really not doing well with. I think I convinced myself that the cost of living in Alabama would be SO much cheaper than in NJ it would all sort of even out.

Welllllll this does not seem to be working out for me, even though the cost of living IS cheaper here, I am making MUCH less and Teddy is only working part time. I am bitter and sort of in denial about the whole thing and I'm really going to have to get a grip. I feel like EVERYONE has more money than I (we)do and I'm just angry and jealous about it. We need to cut our eating out budget to only once a week, and I really need to work on my grocery bill. We are spending about 120-175 on groceries a week for a family of three. This seems like a lot to me. I buy mostly organic/natural products and that really drives the bill up. Does anyone have any advice on this? Does that number seem high to you?

I am angry we are going backwards in our life...It seems you should make more money over time, not less. I get that a lot of people are going through this same thing right now, I'm just saying I'm having a hard time with it. I really resent giving up lattes, and crappy doo-dads at Target. I want to be able to buy a 20$ shirt at Old Navy if I like it, but the reality is I just can't. I need to focus on the positive things in life and yet I'm pouting over not being able to go out and get coffee and frozen yogurt if I want to.

I will say that the time with our family has been great, so even knowing what I know now I would still choose to move here but, dammit I wish I could catch a break in this horrible job market and get something that paid a little more than Jesus crap fuck nothing. I'm just a little angry right now.

weekend round up

Friday: SNOWPOCOLYPSE!

OK, for Alabama it really was a lot of snow.

Saturday: Two 5Ks on the same day!

The first 5K went right in front of our house. My time was 28:58.

The second 5K I actually did a tiny bit better, 28:48.

Sunday: Hugs, Kisses, and Susie came to live with us.

We are all still missing our dog, so we went out and adopted some .13 feeder fish. We love them very much and their names are Hugs, Kisses, and Susie. Teddy bought me that little fish tank for our very first Valentine's Day together (10 years ago)! This is the first time we've gotten it out in several years and we are all really enjoying the fish (please don't die).

(please don't judge my entirely paneled, very 60s kitchen...)

thoughts before EXTREME SNOW 2010

• I love blogs, and I love to read people's blogs and really I like to read about just about anything, food, kids, trying to have kids, trying not to have kids, working, not working, eating or not eating, exercising, pets, complaining..really whatever, but I can not stand to read about when people or their kids get the barfing flu. It just makes me feel like my skin is going to scritchy scratch right off and I have to click away really fast. I have this really irrational fear that reading about someone else's barfing flu is going to make ME have the barfing flu and really? to me? Worst.thing.ever. Worrying about getting the barfing flu keeps me up at night, now I'm afraid all this talking about the barfing flu is going to jinx me. Must stop.
• Have you seen that commercial for I Can't Believe it's Not Butter with Megan Mullally? It is the one where she sings Turn the Tub Around? Well anyway inexplicably for the last SEVERAL nights me and Teddy have gotten into conversations about better fake butter song combinations and so far my favorite is spray on spray on butter (you have to sing it to the Beach Boys Sail on Sailor tune) Ugh, never mind this probably makes absolutely no sense to you.
• It may or may not snow up to 2 inches tomorrow and people are losing their minds (remember I live in Alabama). OMG SNOWPOCOLYPSE we are all going to DIE BUY water and peanut butter in bulk!
• When our dog died I SWORE I would NEVER EVER in my WHOLE life get another dog because it is just too.hard. BUT Eli is already asking about getting another dog and I've already consented too "maybe in a couple of years." AHHH how fast NEVER turned into "maybe."
• I don't get why people don't like Valentine's Day. I mean I guess I get why single people don't like it, but even then I just used it as an excuse to eat cookie dough and watch sappy movies but I really don't get why people who are part of a couple don't like it. I mean I know it is a made up consumer holiday, but who cares? It is fun and you might get some candy, what's so wrong with that?

Blogoversary.

Today is the one year anniversary of when I started THIS blog because THAT blog got hijacked by creepy stalker. I love having a blog and I love having my tiny community of friends that come by and cheer me on, or come by and offer support, because to me, that is what it is all about. I read on a friend's blog recently that there has been some competition in the "pain Olympics" and I'm always afraid when I post something that someone is going to come around and tell me to stop my whiny whining because there are hungry kids in Ethiopia or something but you guys never do that and really you are all just lovely and I want to give you a big hug.

Since I've started this blog I've taken up running, Teddy got into the PhD program, we moved, my baby turned three, I was job searching, I got a job and I'm still job searching, my dog died, and I've committed to wearing a bikini for the first time ever! There has been lots of great times, and also lots of challenges, I'm sure life will continue much the same BUT it is nicer knowing you guys will come by and check on us.

In completely unrelated and unabashed parental gloating when I dropped Eli off at daycare this morning his teacher told me that Eli is by far the brightest child in her class. It made me ridiculously proud (although I will admit the other kids are sort of dufusy so I'm not sure this is a HUGE compliment).

I ran a 10K this Saturday (my time was 1:03 so I did not hit my NYR goal, BUT the last MILE was uphill so it was still pretty awesome time) and a 5K on Sunday. I feel awesome and my sister and BIL were right there with me so they are awesome too. We are doing two 5Ks next weekend on the same day! My friend said we need "runners anonymous" but it really is fun!

NYR progress

That's my New Year's Resolution progress to those of you not in the know. I really FEEL committed to my NYRs but that doesn't seem to really be helping me actually DO anything about them. Let's remind ourselves what my resolutions are:

1. Run a half marathon
Um, nope. I still haven't found one I want to sign up for
2. Finish a 10K in less than 60 minutes
Nope. I have a 10K tomorrow but I hear it is a killer so I'm sort of assuming this is not going to be the one.
3. Finish a 5K in less than 30 minutes
I DID THIS ONE. I ran a 5K on 1/23/10 in 29:23, go me!
4. Wear a bikini on the beach (for the first time EVER) on our 10 year anniversary (August 2010), and look good doing it.
OK, I BOUGHT a bikini but that is the only thing I've done so far. I seriously need to start toning if I plan on wearing a bikini without DYING of embarrassment.
5. Take a yoga class
Nope. They are so expensive.
6. Start knitting again, and at least make some more coffee cup cozies.
Once a week I think about getting my knitting out, and it still hasn't happened.
7. Say "yes" more
I'm doing pretty good at this. I say "yes" to Eli much more about reading stories and playing games (I'm a horrible mother because I don't really enjoy these things. I hate to hear myself read out loud and Eli is super annoying to play games with but it has gotten more enjoyable the more I make myself do it)
8. teach Eli to swim
Nope
9. Play in the Gulf of Mexico with Eli and Teddy
hopefully this summer!
10. Have more sex
NOPE, I think if it is possible we are having less sex, which totally sucks but it seems like by the time there is opportunity we are both so exhausted we discuss it and then toss that option out and go to sleep instead.

OK, so now that I'm thinking about it I got 1/10 completed and I still have almost 11 months to do the other 9 so maybe I'll actually do it! How are your resolutions going?

Moving on

I just have to write a new post because every time I click on my blog and see my dog it makes me so sad. I need the page to move down but I really have nothing to say, so let's talk about some stuff I am into right now.

• LOST. I am super happy LOST is coming back on tonight. Oh, I just love Jack so much and I love his super angsty bossy pants attitude. I hope he is shirtless and sweaty for most of the evening.
• TCBY yogurt. I got a gift certificate to TCBY yogurt for Christmas and I can not get enough sugar free frozen yogurt, it makes me so happy.
• Pizza with tofu and broccoli. I know it sounds weird but it is so, so good and I can pretend it is a WHOLE meal on a pizza and HEALTHY because BROCCOLI!
• Diet Dr. Pepper. It is really so delicious and spicy, I must limit myself to one a day.
• Modern Family. Have you guys seen this? It is really funny and it always makes me happy.

Things I don't want to talk about:

• That my gas bill is 500$ for last month! What the holy hell? I didn't pay that much in NJ!
• That I am still looking for another job
• My mom moved back to Virginia to work (only until April) after living here for only three months. Our relationship still sucks.
• I feel fat
• and bloated
• and ugly
• and pimply
• I wonder why?

She was a very good dog.

It wasn't good news. Think a good thought for our girl today, we are all very sad. xoxo

My dog, my partner

My poor elderly dog has started to have seizures, and it is terrifying me. She had one early Monday morning, and then again late last night. I was so upset after the one last night I asked my husband to take her to the Emergency Vet run by the Universities Vet School. That in itself was a complete waste because for our elderly dog they wanted to run THOUSANDS of dollars of tests including a chest X ray, CAT scan, and MRI. When my husband refused the treatment he felt like the staff was judging him and he returned home with our old dog and no answers.

My husband took our dog back to our regular vet today and he suggested some blood work to see if we could find an underlying cause of the seizures and told my husband he agreed that my elderly, anxious dog should not be subjected to a litany of tests. We both felt better believing we had someone on our side who would not judge us should we end up having to put our dog down. It is a horrible decision to have to make and the last thing you need is some douche student judging you because you won't pay for a dog neurologist (and maybe some of you would, and I respect that, I honestly can't afford it and at my dog's age it was a quality of life choice for us).

I am an anxious person anyway, and I don't deal well with pet illnesses because I get very emotional very quickly and I become so anxious about the situation I just can't deal with it. My husband stepped in and took care of everything even though the dog is MY dog from before we even met (she is 13). I just thought of how lucky I am to have such a fantastic partner when I was reading a love story earlier today. I thought of how sad and anxious I am to be put in the position to make a decision I don't want to make, but I thought of how grateful I am to have a person standing beside me and supporting me all along. A person who never wanted any pets but loves the ones he is now the step father to.

I just hope we don't have to make the choice.

He is just being 3

I think yesterday was one of my worst parenting days since my son was a tiny infant and I just cried all day. He was just...indescribable yesterday (although "turd" may have come up on facebook). He was wild, and mean, and hyper and just all over the place. He was throwing things at us, hitting us, and SCREAMING. It was just awful, and to top it all off we were stuck inside because of the horrible weather. We all went to bed last night feeling like shit, he probably felt worse after throwing himself into the bed in RAGE after we refused his bedtime story because he had thrown his bath toys at his dad and in doing so smacked his head into his headboard and gave himself a big knot and bruise. It was just the perfect end to the perfect storm of a day.

The other day my mom was over and Eli was doing something bratty and I was complaining to her about his behavior and she said "Oh he is just being 3" and I wanted to rip her arms off and beat her with them. I KNOW HE IS THREE. I know she was trying to be helpful and trying to let me know HE isn't bad, it is just a bad age, but I just can't stand those little cliches when I'm trying to vent. I don't know what I want to hear, but it isn't "he is just being three."

Teddy and I stayed up after Eli went to bed last night and we were talking about how ridiculous it is that a three year old can enrage us (and to make Teddy mad takes A LOT) and how I can lose my patience and yell like a child and how at the end of the night I am exhausted but mostly my feelings are hurt because dammit I revolve my ENTIRE LIFE around making you happy and then you spend the day treating me like shit? HOW DARE YOU? Oh, I know it is because he is just being three....

Why I have no friends.

I have long since concluded that I have no friends since I have a weird sense of humor and no one gets me. I like inappropriate humor and poking fun at people...but I like to poke fun at ALL people, not any specific race, gender, or religion...I discriminate equally.

Anyway, this weekend we were talking to my BIL about how we (the three of us, BIL, Teddy and myself) laugh at weird things and somehow in the conversation we started trying to come up with the ABSOLUTE WORST things you could try to market. My idea was porn for kids, Teddy said Jesus penis replicas and I can't even tell you what BIL said because it is just SO wrong (but we still all laughed). What are your terrible products?

company

So my argument with John was completely anti-climatic! I decided that you guys were right and I needed to take the high road, but I most definitely wanted to know what the deal was. I called John back and after telling him yes we have missed him, and yes they can stay at our house, I confronted him about not being in contact with us. You know what his answer was? DO YOU? When I asked him WHY he hadn't responded to our attempts to contact them in TWO years he said.........WAIT FOR IT.....he said "I don't know. I guess I didn't realize it had been that long."

I tried to argue...I tried to bait him, and I tried to tell him how much he had hurt our feelings, and I thought we were FRIENDS and NOTHING. He would barely even respond to me which made it a terrible argument. Teddy's family are HORRIBLE at confrontation. I'm serious, I'm not sure if you could meet people who were worse at it. They avoid it at all.costs. It makes me nuts, because I like a good healthy confrontation. I honestly don't mind arguing, I could go as far as to say I like it. I'm talking about arguing, where two people who each have a different side intelligently debate, not fighting which I think of as screaming and yelling.

So anyway, they will be here on Friday and what I actually wanted to tell you about is how nuts I am about company, and I'm wondering if it is normal. I remember when I was a kid one of the things I just hated was anytime my parents had a party every thing had to be PERFECT. Every mirror had to be cleaned, every blade of grass had to be manicured, every doo-dad in our house had to be run through the dishwasher and it made everyone crazy. Well guess what, I do the same thing now.

I have to have all the linens washed, the kitchen has to be spotless, the lawn is being mowed as I type, the bathrooms have to be scrubbed and every surface must be dusted. The dog even got a bath in preparation for company. I actually once told a friend of mine my sick secret. While I'm doing all of this cleaning and preparation I imagine my company *thinking* "wow, her house is so clean!" and it makes me feel so awesome. In my imagination they don't even say it out loud they just think it and I still feel so PROUD.

I know it is crazy. How do you deal with company?

unrelated, except the part that is.

Let me start by saying that I was honestly SHOCKED at your comments on my last post. I ALWAYS assumed that thin people walked around feeling FABULOUS about themselves and those of us that were/are overweight were the ones walking around with big FAT issues. I think it is so sad that a bunch of women that I have envied for some reason or another go around feeling self conscious about how you look. Of course I am the big fat pot calling the kettle black because I do the same thing, BUT it was really enlightening to me that skinny people have body issues too (really). What do we do about this, and how do we keep the next generation from feeling the same way?

Oh and something I wanted to add is that I NEVER ask Teddy to tell me if I'm fatter/thinner or better looking than another woman because I KNOW he will lie and tell me whatever I want to hear. I think if I asked him if he thought naked supermodels were hot he would say "not as hot as you." LIAR.

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Last night I was laying on the couch talking with Teddy and I was telling him that I have certain triggers in my brain that no matter where I am whenever I hear a certain word/phrase I ALWAYS think (and depending on the situation sometimes say out loud) the same thing.


For Example:

Someone says "here is the situation"
I think: My parents just went away for a weeks vacation, and they left the keys to the brand new Porsche, would they mind? mmm well of course not! (I could go on and on)

Someone says "stop"
I think: collaborate and listen, Ice is back with a brand new rendition. something grabs a hold of me tightly flow like a harpoon daily and nightly (again, I could go on and on). Teddy disagreed and said if he hears "stop" he thinks "hammer time"

Someone says "who are you going to call?"
I think : Ghostbusters!

Someone says anything about anything being "hard"
I think: That's what she said!

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Teddy and I used to be very good friends with Teddy's middle brother (we shall call him John). Teddy and I even lived with John for several years while we were dating/married and I was actually friends with John before I met Teddy. John got himself mixed up in some DRAMA when he started dating Teddy's other brother's (we shall call him Paul) friend's wife. Got it? So Paul has a friend who is married, and then John comes along and starts dating Paul's friend's wife. Eventually the wife (we shall call her Yoko) gets divorced and marries John. Now John and Yoko have one kid together and one on the way.

Teddy and I tried to remain Switzerland on the whole thing and never took sides, because I think the whole thing is fucked up and I don't think anyone was totally right or totally wrong in the situation. We continued to be friends and then we went to visit them in April of 2008, after that we have not heard ONE PEEP from them in almost two years. We don't have any clue as to why and we have sent packages for our niece, mailed cards, sent emails, and left voice mails, and NOTHING.

Over the Holidays Teddy's parents mentioned that John and Yoko wanted to come visit over MLK Holiday. We thought nothing of it and assumed they were just humoring Teddy's parents. WELL, last night we get a message from John saying " Hey it's John. We want to know if we can come over the weekend before Martin Luther King Day. Call me back....well maybe not tonight, call me tomorrow during the day." Ummm what now? No mention of the fact he hasn't talked to us in almost TWO YEARS. What the fucking fuck?

I sort of want to TOTALLY ignore the call and stir up some DRAMA because Teddy's parents would be pissed (because they want to come too and have a big family reunion), but I told Teddy I want to take the high road and call back and just ask WHAT THE FUCK? What would you do?

bikini or bust

My resolution of wearing a bikini for my 10 year anniversary has really helped me get back onto the health wagon! I would say since October I haven't been really committed to eating well, although I have continued to run. I started this journey in May 2008 when one day at work I got on the scale and I weighted 191 (I'm 5'2"). That was the same weight I was when I was 9 months pregnant with my son.

One of the things that still surprises me is I still feel fat. I know my BMI is now in the "normal" category and I don't think anyone would say a size 6 is fat, but I feel fat. When I go jogging I wonder if people in cars passing me think nasty thoughts about how I should probably run faster, or if they poke fun at me for being a chubby girl running (although at 7AM this morning I wouldn't have blamed them because I was wearing purple running tights, light purple shorts, a bright blue jacket and rainbow leg warmers...it was COLD).

I have never in my life worn a bikini and my new goal is really something I'm looking forward to attaining. I think I need to lose a bit more weight, but I definitely need to start working on toning. I think a lifetime of being overweight and a 9.2 lb baby has lead to a mushy stomach. I'm really feeling happy and motivated to have a new goal, and I started 2010 with a 10 mile run so I think I'm on my way to that bikini. I have told myself that getting into that bikini should be the last of "feeling fat" or always assuming I'm the fat girl in the room (Do you guys do that? Do you look around to see if you are the fattest girl in the room? I know it is not healthy but I was the fattest girl in the room a lot of times. Maybe this is a phenomenon of only overweight people).

I'm looking forward to working on my resolutions throughout the year, and I hope to keep you guys updated on my progress. Next up, digging out my yarn and seeing if I remember how to knit.