five is not enough

I was talking to Teddy this afternoon and complaining that even though the two of us have FIVE jobs together (I have two part time jobs and Teddy has a quarter time job, a part time job, and a freelance gig) we are still just scraping by. It is ridiculous and even though it is super frustrating I am glad to have too many jobs rather than not enough...

We are still enjoying luxuries we could get rid of in order to have more going out/food money (really my main vice is I like going out to eat). We have cable, DVR and Internet. I have a new car I could downsize, we spend money on crap we don't need. We have been doing much better on our grocery bills and are typically spending on average around 100$ a week instead of 150$. I said in an earlier post that I'm embarrassed by my current circumstances and I am. I think that coming here for Teddy to get his PhD is a good idea in the LONG run, but now it makes me feel like we made an irresponsible choice.

My dad asked Teddy over the weekend how he felt about being 1/4 of the way done with school and Teddy said he was feeling good, but guilty that he brought his family down here and wasn't making enough money. My dad looked at Teddy and said "don't worry I can help too." HA HA HA. Oh, don't get me wrong I love my dad, and if my arm fell off and I needed money for surgery to put it back on he would help me...and we could set up a nice payment plan for me to pay him back. He is generous with dinners out and well, that is about it. He has never once just offered me money to help out. I know I shouldn't expect him to give me money, I get that, but it is just that I happen to know so many people who have had LOADS of parental help (financially) that I get bitter when I think about it too much.

This is my stream of consciousness writing since I am lonely because Teddy is at his first night of his new summer job. I was left responsible for feeding myself and Eli so I had two sandwiches and Eli had a jelly sandwich, string cheese, and watermelon. Good parenting high five!

Things I still want to talk about:

• jogging in the million degree Alabama heat
• how much money do you need to have that second kid
• my pets and my totem poll of caring
• and MUCH MORE.

My dog, my partner

My poor elderly dog has started to have seizures, and it is terrifying me. She had one early Monday morning, and then again late last night. I was so upset after the one last night I asked my husband to take her to the Emergency Vet run by the Universities Vet School. That in itself was a complete waste because for our elderly dog they wanted to run THOUSANDS of dollars of tests including a chest X ray, CAT scan, and MRI. When my husband refused the treatment he felt like the staff was judging him and he returned home with our old dog and no answers.

My husband took our dog back to our regular vet today and he suggested some blood work to see if we could find an underlying cause of the seizures and told my husband he agreed that my elderly, anxious dog should not be subjected to a litany of tests. We both felt better believing we had someone on our side who would not judge us should we end up having to put our dog down. It is a horrible decision to have to make and the last thing you need is some douche student judging you because you won't pay for a dog neurologist (and maybe some of you would, and I respect that, I honestly can't afford it and at my dog's age it was a quality of life choice for us).

I am an anxious person anyway, and I don't deal well with pet illnesses because I get very emotional very quickly and I become so anxious about the situation I just can't deal with it. My husband stepped in and took care of everything even though the dog is MY dog from before we even met (she is 13). I just thought of how lucky I am to have such a fantastic partner when I was reading a love story earlier today. I thought of how sad and anxious I am to be put in the position to make a decision I don't want to make, but I thought of how grateful I am to have a person standing beside me and supporting me all along. A person who never wanted any pets but loves the ones he is now the step father to.

I just hope we don't have to make the choice.

unrelated, except the part that is.

Let me start by saying that I was honestly SHOCKED at your comments on my last post. I ALWAYS assumed that thin people walked around feeling FABULOUS about themselves and those of us that were/are overweight were the ones walking around with big FAT issues. I think it is so sad that a bunch of women that I have envied for some reason or another go around feeling self conscious about how you look. Of course I am the big fat pot calling the kettle black because I do the same thing, BUT it was really enlightening to me that skinny people have body issues too (really). What do we do about this, and how do we keep the next generation from feeling the same way?

Oh and something I wanted to add is that I NEVER ask Teddy to tell me if I'm fatter/thinner or better looking than another woman because I KNOW he will lie and tell me whatever I want to hear. I think if I asked him if he thought naked supermodels were hot he would say "not as hot as you." LIAR.

*****************************

Last night I was laying on the couch talking with Teddy and I was telling him that I have certain triggers in my brain that no matter where I am whenever I hear a certain word/phrase I ALWAYS think (and depending on the situation sometimes say out loud) the same thing.


For Example:

Someone says "here is the situation"
I think: My parents just went away for a weeks vacation, and they left the keys to the brand new Porsche, would they mind? mmm well of course not! (I could go on and on)

Someone says "stop"
I think: collaborate and listen, Ice is back with a brand new rendition. something grabs a hold of me tightly flow like a harpoon daily and nightly (again, I could go on and on). Teddy disagreed and said if he hears "stop" he thinks "hammer time"

Someone says "who are you going to call?"
I think : Ghostbusters!

Someone says anything about anything being "hard"
I think: That's what she said!

******************************************

Teddy and I used to be very good friends with Teddy's middle brother (we shall call him John). Teddy and I even lived with John for several years while we were dating/married and I was actually friends with John before I met Teddy. John got himself mixed up in some DRAMA when he started dating Teddy's other brother's (we shall call him Paul) friend's wife. Got it? So Paul has a friend who is married, and then John comes along and starts dating Paul's friend's wife. Eventually the wife (we shall call her Yoko) gets divorced and marries John. Now John and Yoko have one kid together and one on the way.

Teddy and I tried to remain Switzerland on the whole thing and never took sides, because I think the whole thing is fucked up and I don't think anyone was totally right or totally wrong in the situation. We continued to be friends and then we went to visit them in April of 2008, after that we have not heard ONE PEEP from them in almost two years. We don't have any clue as to why and we have sent packages for our niece, mailed cards, sent emails, and left voice mails, and NOTHING.

Over the Holidays Teddy's parents mentioned that John and Yoko wanted to come visit over MLK Holiday. We thought nothing of it and assumed they were just humoring Teddy's parents. WELL, last night we get a message from John saying " Hey it's John. We want to know if we can come over the weekend before Martin Luther King Day. Call me back....well maybe not tonight, call me tomorrow during the day." Ummm what now? No mention of the fact he hasn't talked to us in almost TWO YEARS. What the fucking fuck?

I sort of want to TOTALLY ignore the call and stir up some DRAMA because Teddy's parents would be pissed (because they want to come too and have a big family reunion), but I told Teddy I want to take the high road and call back and just ask WHAT THE FUCK? What would you do?

They say you want a resolution.

I know a lot of people don't believe in making New Year's resolutions, but it really appeals to me in the sense that I love making lists, and I love resolving to do stuff. I have been thinking about my resolutions for a couple of weeks now and I really wanted to get them out there in the universe and make a sincere effort to do them. I am also trying NOT to make resolutions for too many things, or things that would take too much time away from my family.

Without further ado:

1. Run a half marathon
2. Finish a 10K in less than 60 minutes
3. Finish a 5K in less than 30 minutes
4. Wear a bikini on the beach (for the first time EVER) on our 10 year anniversary (August 2010), and look good doing it.
5. Take a yoga class
6. Start knitting again, and at least make some more coffee cup cozies.
7. Say "yes" more
8. teach Eli to swim
9. Play in the Gulf of Mexico with Eli and Teddy
10. Have more sex


I also want to update a meme I did last year, since I had to change blogs I'll just update this year's answers in red.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Committed to a healthier way of eating. Started this blog.
Started THIS blog because THAT blog got hijacked by creepy stalker.
Ran two 10Ks.
Wore a bathing suit without wanting to die of embarrassment.
Started and maintained a exercise routine (going on 9 months of running 4x a week)


2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I really can't remember if I made any resolutions last year, if I did it was probably to lose weight because I say that pretty much every year. So I will pretend that was my resolution and say that I kept it.

This year my resolution is two fold 1. Lose 20 lbs and keep it off! and 2. Be more thoughtful. I would really like to be more thoughtful in everything I do, including things I purchase, things I eat, things I say and do etc.

I would say I kept half of my resolutions because on 1/5/2009 I weighed 154.2 (I keep a journal of my weight) and today I weigh 131 (up 3 lbs from my lowest 128). I have successfully lost and kept off 23 lbs from then, overall I have lost 60 lbs from my highest weight.

Being more thoughtful is something I would still like to accomplish and I don't think I have made as much of an effort as I would like.

I would also like to be clear about my feelings and my expectations, without being judgemental or hurtful.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Some college friends of mine

I don't think so, but currently one of my best friends and both of my SILs are pregnant.
ETA: My sister reminded me I have 3 SILs, SO I should say two of my three SILs are pregnant.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No
No

5. What countries did you visit?

Um Countries? None, but we did have a couple of nice trips. We went to Alabama and Virginia and took several trips to the NJ Shore.

Yeah, I'm guessing going to a different country isn't going to happen in 2010 either.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Well since we are moving this year (even if we don't move to AL we will move to a new apartment)I will say a bathtub and a dishwasher, also sanity

YAY. We have everything I wanted, except maybe the sanity. I would like a job that I like and that makes me happy.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Eli's birthday. I am always amazed I made it another year. When Eli was first born I didn't think I would survive to see him turn six months old, so on his birthday I am always grateful to have made it another year.

The month of August will be a big memory for me because that was the month Eli turned 3, Teddy and I had our 9 year anniversary, and we moved from Hoboken, NJ back to AL. It was a very stressful, but happy time.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Losing 30 lbs.

I would say losing another 20 lbs and keeping it off, also moving two adults one child, one dog, and two cats across the country and never completely losing my shit. (not to say I didn't lose my shit, just not COMPLETELY)

Running in two 10Ks.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I can't think of one thing in particular. The thing I most commonly think I am failing at is parenting.

The things I most often think about as failures are the times I lose my patience with Eli. When I yell, when I grab for his skinny little arms to stop him for doing something, those are the times I think about and regret.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No
No

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Right now the only thing I can think of is the Scholastic DVD collection we bought Steamboat because it has kept us sane over this two week break!

The best investment of the year was a personal DVD player I bought Eli for his birthday. It has been a life saver on plane trips, and many a dinner out we would like to enjoy without entertaining a 3 year old!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mine. So far I have survived in a crappy job and remained calm and professional (most of the time).

Teddy. He is the only reason I'm able to stay sane. Through out this last year with the move and the job hunt I have been a vibrating ball of anxiety and he is the only reason I haven't gone over the deep end (oh and Xanax, I love you too)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I had one of the people I supervise quit without notice and then badmouthed me for no reason, it sucked.

Unfortunately lots of people. I was commenting on someone's blog recently that I try to be a thoughtful person, and in doing so sometimes I have too high expectations for other people and can easily be disappointed. I need to quit assuming that everyone thinks about things as much as I do, and I need to worry less about others feelings.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent and daycare, hands down.

Again, rent and daycare but we also spent tons of money on our recent move.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

This years election.

I was really excited about our move and our new (rental) house.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

I Never Go to Work- TMBG. Eli's favorite song and we had to listen to it all.the.time.

That is hard to say, I'm not a "song" person. I like the same songs I liked 10 years ago, if it isn't on the Journey greatest hits CD I probably haven't heard it.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier
Happier


b) thinner or fatter? Thinner
Thinner

c) richer or poorer? Richer and poorer, we make more money but our rent and daycare increased.
POORER

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I spent more time enjoying my family, and less time worried they would die, get sick, fall off the earth etc.

I wish I had spent more time being content.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worry. I worry all the time, I wish I could knock it off.

Same. Same. Worry. I am a constant worrier. I worry about things that probably won't ever happen, it tends to really be a damper on my life.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We spent Christmas at home this year, it was great until the part when my mom showed up.

We had a great big family Christmas just like I wanted. My mom, sister, and her family showed up at 7AM on Christmas morning and we opened presents for hours, played games, and ATE. It was perfect.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

I am constantly falling in love with Teddy and Eli (barf, I know)

I love my husband and my kid more every day.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

It is too hard to list just one so: LOST, Friday Night Lights, The Office, Scrubs

Those are still my favorite shows.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I don't think so, I think I hate all the same people

I like last years answer.

24. What was the best book you read?

I can't remember all the books I read this year but this week I read Marley and Me and The Hour I First Believed. I really enjoyed both of them.

I read a lot so it is always hard for me to remember but I think the books I most enjoyed this year were The Time Travelers Wife and The Lovely Bones.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I have started listening to way more kids band then I ever thought I would and have found some awesome music! I love the Jellydots, The Terrible Twos, Francis England, Elizabeth Mitchell, and of course Mr. Leebot!

This year has been the year of Caspar Babypants. Eh, must remember to listen to adult music at some point.

26. What did you want and get?

My Advent calender was the most awesome gift of all time!

I also advocated for myself to get a raise, which I got (although technically I haven't seen it in my paycheck yet...)

The second annual Advent Calenderlooza was awesome!
I wanted Teddy to get into PhD school, and he did.

27. What did you want and not get?

I wanted a big family Christmas and instead got my mom
I wanted a job that made me happy (or at least didn't make me UNhappy)

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I don't think I saw a movie that was released in 2008 so it is hard to say. I watched some Christmas movies on Lifetime and Hallmark channel that were pretty funny even thought I'm not sure they were supposed to be.

I don't really like movies, and last night I was having a conversation with my niece and nephew about movies and the last movie I remember REALLY liking was Little Miss Sunshine, when was that?

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Teddy and I took the day off work and spent it roaming around NYC, I went to Old Navy and got some Cold Stone ice cream. I turned 32 and Teddy turned 42.

My dad came and took us out to dinner and I ate a lot of cake, he also bought us a lawnmower. That was pretty cool. I turned 33 and Teddy turned 43.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If my job didn't suck donkey balls.
Finding a job that didn't suck donkey balls.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

I lost some weight so all my clothes are too big.

I bought a bunch of size 6 clothes and DAMMIT I'm going to wear them and not get too fat for them!

32. What kept you sane?

My husband. Definitely. And wine.

Teddy. Wine. Xanax. In that order.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Mmm I already did a whole post on who I fancy.

I fancy Justin Timberlake. I want to fancy him in dirty ways.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I was very concerned about women's issues during this years presidential campaign. Sarah Palin terrified me.

I worry about health care, especially since I work in health care and I see so many uninsured patients.

35. Who did you miss?

I missed my sister and my brother in law and my niece and nephew. I also missed my friends who used to live here and moved (because they suck).

I think 2010 is the year of not having to miss people because they are all right.here. and that is pretty awesome.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I started hanging out with some new people from work. They are awesome, I love gay men!

Ashley and Lee. They are great people.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

People respect you more if you are not fat.

Ditto, AND I respect myself more when I'm exercising and eating well.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"I like big butts and I can not lie"

"I'm on a boat motherfuckers"

I can't ever take quoting song lyrics seriously.

Love and tiny birds

Calender from the place Teddy and I got engaged. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Plastic birds you stick on the wall that I insist on calling "installation art."

Birds stuck on the wall that I absolutely LOVE.

Tiny bird Post-Its. I have a definite thing for birds, I will have to do a photo essay of all the bird stuff in my house soon.

Sometimes I get absolutely stuck on something and I have such tunnel vision on that one.thing. I have a hard time seeing anything else. Lately that thing has been work. I have been feeling depressed and rejected about my job hunt, and it has been hard for me to focus on anything else. I think that having somewhere to go everyday, even though it isn't ideal, and even though I'm still looking for work, has opened up my eyes a little to see all the good things.

One of my gifts was a calender from the place Teddy and I got engaged almost 10 years ago. He is definitely a winner. The next day he got me these tacky plastic birds that I have wanted for MONTHS and then today he spent his day hanging them on the wall so they would be just right when I got home. I am very lucky.

I also want to say thank you to you guys that commented on my job post and you were really very nice and not one person said "HEY Shut your face you got a job and that is what you have been whining about all this damn time!" even though you might have wanted to. So. Thanks, you're nice.

unrelated

I forgot to tell you guys about how Teddy TOTALLY stole my thunder at MY reunion. We got to the reunion and there was two girls I went to high school with (Teddy did not go to high school anywhere near where I did) greeting everyone and handing out name tags at the door. They greeted me and I turned to introduce them to Teddy and they were like "OH MY GOD WE KNOW, IT IS [BAND NAME] AND [OTHER BAND NAME]" Then they proceeded to GUSH and hug him and talk about how he was FAMOUS. UGH. I love my husband more than anyone in the world but DUDE. DUDE. I was there looking HOT and he totally stole my stoplight. (oh and for the record he was only famous in the college town we lived, but there he was totally awesome. Free beer all the time...when you are 22 and broke that was the best)

The college town we live in has a shuttle bus that goes around and picks students up for class. The other day Teddy and I were out for a walk and we were walking past the bus stop and it totally stopped for US. I was very excited and felt young and pretty.

This just creeps me out.

That is a bird, in case you couldn't tell and he is eating EGGS for breakfast. That just seems wrong to me.

Nine

Yesterday Teddy and I "celebrated" our 9th Anniversary. I say "celebrated" because we went to kid's night at a local restaurant and there was a balloon animal artist, and a pinata. We had a really nice time getting to sit around with my sister and her family, but we were both a little bummed we didn't get to have a romantic night.

Our anniversary has been severely overshadowed for the last four years by a tiny little boy. I get so wrapped up in planning birthday parties that I tend to forget about our anniversary until it is an after thought. We are really hoping that we do something fancy for our 10th anniversary next year, like get drunk in Florida (what? we live in Alabama now...getting drunk in Florida is fancy).

One thing I did think of yesterday while I was jogging was that if you were ever looking for motivation to stay fit and attractive for your partner, move to a town of 20,000 college students. I'm pretty sure after seeing the 100th pair of firm, tan thighs that I ran a little harder and little longer....Bless Teddy's heart for being a little too absent minded professor-y to always notice, but I'm sure he has to notice sometimes, I mean for God's sake these girls are so FIRM that *I* notice.

Anyway, that was a weird sidetrack, but I wanted you to know that in the battle of me against my router, I finally won (after purchasing a new one) and I am coming to you from my dining room table, so I will be around to visit soon, because I missed you guys.

holding pattern

I haven't lost any weight in four WEEKS. I have been jogging at least 4 times a week, but I think all the extra jogging is making me HUNGRY, or at least that is what I am going to use as my excuse. While we were at my sister's house I ate a movie theater sized box of candy A DAY. I don't know how exactly this happened but candy kept appearing, and I kept shoving it in my mouth. I'm not even sorry, it was delicious. I am a huge candy fan..Skittles, Twizzlers, gummy bears, whatever, I love it...give me a bag of sugar and a spoon and really I'd be happy. Teddy really only likes chocolate candy, I don't understand this.

Speaking of jogging I have been really frustrated with it lately. I have been jogging fairly frequently for about 3 months now, and I still don't really like it. I like the way I feel when I'm DONE but for a majority of the time I am actually jogging I'm pissed that it sucks, and I don't enjoy it. I find myself hating the stupid fuckers in line at the Mr. Softee truck because goddamn it I want to be in line at the Mr. Softee truck not running around in circles like some sort of sweaty douche. I don't know if I will ever like it, but I keep doing it, and that does make me proud.

*****************

Since Eli's second Birthday (which was 9.5 months ago) I have been contemplating the big 3 of toddlerhood for our family.

1. Get rid of the pacifiers
2. Potty Train
3. Big boy bed

I have been really hesitant about these things for one major reason->I LIKE TO SLEEP. I am afraid doing any one of these things is going to end up ruining my sleep.

We made a big step last week and we ordered Eli a toddler bed with the Christmas money my dad gave us over Memorial Day (yeah, that is how he rolls). The bed came on Friday and Eli was so excited Teddy put the bed together for him and he insisted on sleeping in it. So far it has actually gone better than I expected. He gets up and wanders around a lot, but honestly less than I thought he would.

The next step is potty training...I honestly have no clue where to even start. We want to try and have him potty trained before we move. The pre-school we have picked out for him wants the kids to be potty trained for the more advanced class, the remedial pee in your pants kids have to be in a different class and I don't want poor Eli to miss out on the fun stuff because he is in the pee pants class.

The pacifier...ahh I don't even know. It is really his comfort item and I sort of hate to take it away before such a big stresser for all of us...I will focus on potty training next and when that is over I'll start thinking about the pacifiers...

******************

This weekend Eli and I were chilling on the couch watching Oswald and Eli turned to me and put his hand on my check and said "you're a sweet girl."

Freddy and Jenny

My previous post just seemed to raise more questions and confuse people, so I'm going to tell you the story of our friends....let's call them "Freddy" and "Jenny"...

Freddy and Jenny moved to the NYC area in September of 2001. Freddy was excited because his new job had promised him a lot of growth and potential, but he would still be a public servant and helping children, things that were very important to Freddy. Freddy was also given a scholarship to get his Master's degree. Freddy and Jenny moved from a small town in Alabama to pursue their dreams of living in the big city.

Freddy's new job began well but during his commute on his second week of work a plane crashed into the World Trade Center, and I don't think I have to tell you what happened after that. The monies that had been previously set aside for Freddy's job in NYC where now being channeled into Homeland Security and things began changing rapidly. The potential for Freddy's job quickly declined but he was still able to complete his Masters degree. Freddy and Jenny had been living paycheck to paycheck and struggling to make ends meet but they thought that once they had completed their graduate degrees things would change.

Freddy and Jenny both completed their graduate educations and believed that soon they would be able to make enough money to live comfortably in their chosen city. They both have jobs as public servants and typically these are not high paying positions, coupled with the administration at the time, things were not good in the land of non profits. Their salaries increased but the cost of living increased more. Freddy and Jenny had a baby, and they were thrilled but also in a predicament that Jenny could not afford to stay home but daycare was also EXTREMELY expensive (think mortgage payment). Freddy and Jenny continued working and hoping that THINGS would improve (mainly they would magically make more money and NYC would magically become cheaper). Jenny became increasingly frustrated with Freddy's Saturday work days because he was missing their child's swim classes and family weekends but Freddy's work required Saturday hours.

Jenny was becoming increasingly dissatisfied with her job but she felt she was stuck there because it was only a few short blocks from their child's daycare and her work was flexible with her hours if she needed to leave to pick up a sick child or attend a program. Twice Jenny threatened to quit and twice she was given tiny raises and promises of new and better things to come...Twice these promises really didn't pan out.

Freddy and Jenny began discussing OPTIONS because they were not living their dream in NYC as they had hoped. They didn't make enough to do anything other than live comfortably and eat, there would be no extras and no vacations, there was no hope of EVER buying a place to live, and Freddy was still working on Saturdays. Freddy would ALWAYS have to work Saturdays and the options of moving on to bigger and better things with in his place of employment were becoming almost non existent. Freddy began talking to Jenny about pursuing his PhD. Jenny agreed under the circumstances that she would ONLY move back to the town where her sister and Freddy's brother were living because if she was going to move to the middle of no where she had to at least like the people that live there.

Freddy was accepted into the University and given a great deal where he would make a teeny tiny amount of money but he would not have to pay tuition and Jenny was so frustrated with her job she was THRILLED at the thought of moving on. Freddy and Jenny planned on giving their jobs two months notice and started making plans to move.

If you didn't know, moving is EXPENSIVE and Freddy and Jenny will also need to buy a car. They are saving as much as possible but don't know if they will have enough to make things easier for them, while also having a bit of padding in case Jenny doesn't find a job right away. Freddy is a couple days away from announcing his resignation when he receives an email sent out to ALL employees that they are offering buyout packages so they may be able to stave off layoffs. Freddy would have to sign up and attend a counseling session and a couple of meetings in order for the powers that be to decide if he was eligible for the buyout package.

Freddy and Jenny wondered if there were ethical/moral concerns about taking a buyout when they already planned on quitting....

That is where our friends Freddy and Jenny are now...to be honest, they are going to try and get the buyout but are curious if others believe this is a wrong/unethical/immoral thing to do.


Why is this whole post in italics?...well, it started out as an addition on yesterday's post but then I cut it and past it into a new post and it won't let me fix it, so maybe you can pretend like it is a dream sequence or something...

Happy Candy Day!

So as it turns out I have no self control. This weekend I was like an alcoholic at an open bar, let me just list for you the candy I have had since Friday:

• Runts
• Laffy Taffy
• Sweet Tarts
• Nerds
• M&Ms
• Robin Eggs (malted milk balls)
• Jelly Bellys
• Sugar cookies (which I don't even really like)
• Reese's Peanut Butter Bunny

I.CAN.NOT.STOP. I have instructed Teddy to rid the house of ALL candy tomorrow and I will enter sugar detox. I did punish myself for my candy OD by running Friday, 30 Day Shred yesterday, and then another run today. I'm just hoping I haven't gained at tomorrows weigh in!

Besides the diabetic shock that I will probably be going into soon, we had a great Easter. Eli loved, loved, loved his "little guitar" that the Easter bunny brought and plays it very seriously and makes Teddy sing. In other news Eli is still using his pacifier to sleep. I lasted all of about two minutes last night. He was perfectly happy to put his pacifier on the plate with the cookies we left out for the Easter Bunny and then once we read his story and put him in bed he started asking for his bebes...I just couldn't stand how sad he seemed so I gave them back. I really suck at this. He will be the only kid in high school with a diaper and a pacifier.

Happy Easter Eve!

Yesterday we made Easter cookies. They NEVER look like I imagine them. They always end up looking like a blind toddler made them. I don't know what my problem is but cookie making is just not one of my talents. I ate about 10 handfuls of the cookie decorations and then wanted to throw up. I have really been craving sweets and candy lately and I had told Teddy that I was going to have some candy this weekend! The first couple of fistfuls I shoved in my mouth tasted really awesome...by the time I got to the last handful they tasted too sweet and were sort of making me nauseous. I will have to say that my limit yesterday, was no where near where my old limit would have been. In the olden days we would not have any of the M&Ms left, today I sent Teddy to work with about half of the bag....

We are very excited about Easter tomorrow. Eli is understanding the concept more and more that the Easter Bunny is coming and bringing him candy! and toys! We are still telling him he has to give his pacifiers to the Easter Bunny for the baby bunnies and he is very agreeable but I don't think he really understands that means he won't have them anymore. We will see. I already told Teddy I'm not going to force it...

Here is an Easter gift for you because I like you. When Eli was about 7 months old Target was selling these bunny costumes. I could not resist and we spent Eli's first Easter dragging him around town in this costume, we loved it.

8 is enough?

Oh dear. Oh, I officially have no shame. Here is the thing. I bought myself a pair of motivation jeans in a petite size 8. They came today and I will have to say I was pleasantly surprised I could button them. Oh, it wasn't comfortable and it looks like absolute hell, but they buttoned. I think the last time I wore a size 8 I was probably in college. I am THRILLED to be able to button a single digit size. When I started this journey I was comfortably wearing a size 16.

My goal is to be able to wear these pants (and look good in them) when we go to my sister's house over Memorial Day. Teddy's band is playing that weekend and I want to look HOTT, not old and fat. I sometimes feel bad for Teddy because when we started dating I was probably a few pounds less than I am now, but in the next several years I put on fifty pounds. I did have a nine pound baby and I put on a lot of weight after I started taking antidepressants for the PPD, but still...He never has said ANYTHING but I know he has to notice. A big part of this has been to look better for myself, but honestly it has also been about looking better for him too.

Weight loss has been a major part of my life for the last several months, and that has been very apparent in my writing but I don't want to forget about my son who is changing and making us laugh every day. Yesterday was the first time he made up a word from his imagination. He was telling us about a Daboof bird that he saw flying in his room and it goes DABOOF and it made him laugh hysterically (he is just like his mother, he laughs at his own lame jokes). He also likes to pretend to be a baby penguin and he is still into practicing his skating/surfing moves on a Frisbee or his high chair tray.

unknown caller

My life is honestly, very good but I have a few annoyances just like everyone else. I don't like my job and I wish I had more money are on the top of my list, but I'm sure I could find a lot of other people who feel the same way. I have a fantastic husband, really probably a 9 out of 10 ( he really only gets points off for being a loud chewer, a loud sneezer, an occasional snorer and sometimes he gets mad at inanimate objects, but really total winner on ALL other aspects). I also have a very cute and very smart kid which I am totally grateful for. I guess I think because I have these two things I really shouldn't complain, but I'm going to anyway.

My other main annoyance in my life is my parents. I mean what the hell? What did I do to deserve these idiots? My recent annoyance is that I am getting calls EVERYDAY from bill collectors for MY DAD. This might be a sad story if it wasn't for the fact my dad has plenty of money to pay his bills, he is just too lazy and unorganized to do so. I haven't talked to my dad in weeks...maybe a month or two, because now that I have a kid I am too lame to bother talking to. He likes to drink beer, talk about himself, and ride motorcycles and if you don't want to do these things he has no interest in you, this includes his children.

I have not even told my father that we rented a house in Alabama, because I'm fairly certain he won't really care. I called my mother last weekend to tell her about the house and she answered the phone and immediately started talking about herself and the weather (her two favorite topics) and then said she had to go. What the fucking fuck, I hadn't even talked yet. I don't know anyone else that I could call who would not even bother to ask "oh yeah, you called me, did you want to tell me something?" I am very happy that she isn't drinking RIGHT NOW but really that is about it, it is sad when the best thing you can think of to say about your mom is "well, she isn't drunk this second" (but again I am grateful for that tiny thing).

I am sometimes convinced that the reason I lucked out with a really fantastic husband is because the universe felt sorry for me because of the parents I have. I know it could be worse, really I get that, I see it everyday, but I also know it could be better if those bastards would put any effort into giving a shit about their children, but who can be bothered when there are awesome things like weather and motorcycles to talk about.

I have some other totally unrelated things to talk about:
1. Have you heard that new song If U seek Amy by Britney Spears? I know people are very busy being offended and horrified by it, but honestly I could not care less AND I actually like the song.
2. I have a GYN appointment tomorrow. Do you guys shave your legs for your GYN doctor? I always do, and then wondered if this was weird. (Did we talk about this already?)
3. I only lost .5 pounds last week...there might have been pouting that included giant burritos (but in my defensive they were only beans and rice and who the fuck knew that would be 1000 calories?) and baked goods....

knit one, purl two

Hobbies: I started my knitting lessons at the beginning of the month. It is harder than I thought it would be. I still really want to learn because I'm not really an artistic/creative person and I thought that learning to knit would be my thing. I am always so jealous that Teddy can play the guitar (actually most instruments), write songs, write online for actual money, and he is a good artist and I wanted to have something that was my creative thing too. I could make sweaters for my kid and hats for my friends etc. The thing is because I'm not automatically good at it I don't really want to do it. I am really going to have to make myself practice.

TV: I keep forgetting to tell you guys that I am probably on an episode of Celebrity Apprentice. I don't actually watch the show though so I'm not sure if I've been on or not. Last October when Warren and I were walking around the city we sort of walked through some sort of interview thing with Dennis Rodman. I was curious at the time what it was for because I hadn't seen that dude in a while, but when the previews for Celebrity Apprentice came on I realized we had walked through a taping of that show. (I was on the phone with my sister at the time, so she was on too)

Weight Loss: I lost a pound last week, which I am very happy about. I have also been trying to work up to jogging for 30 minutes a day. It seems easy, but damn it has been hard. The best I have done so far is 26 minutes of jogging and on an average day I do about 18 minutes. I bought a pedometer yesterday to see how far I was going and it took me 17 minutes to jog 1.2 miles. Huh, that is pretty sad...I am obviously SLOOOOOOWWW.

OK I'm going to say this ONE MORE TIME and I know you guys are getting sick of it, but I think I need to lose another 20 pounds. I am now 10 lbs away from my "goal" weight and I just don't think it will be enough. There are still rolls on my stomach, flab on my thighs, and too much jiggle on my arms. Again, this makes me so self conscious because dudes I have lost 40 lbs, and still need to lose another 20 to be fit and trim. I STARTED THIS WEIGHT LOSS THINKING I WOULD BE FIT AND TRIM AFTER LOSING ONLY 20 POUNDS. The amount of denial I was in is shocking!

Job Search: I have started looking for and applying to jobs in Alabama. It is a nerve racking process, but I am feeling better about this search than I ever have in the past. I know times are tough and that will make things much harder, but at least this time I have some experience on my side. I am also feeling more confident about being in better shape and I can go to an interview without being so self conscious about my weight.

Eli: Teddy and I had started noticing that Eli was bunching up his blanket to use as a pillow at night. We were making a trip to Target on Sunday so we told him he could pick out his very own pillow for his bed. He was REALLY excited and we spent a long time looking at ALL the pillows Target had to offer, from giant Batman pillows, to Hello Kitty pillows (my favorite), to accent pillows for sofas. I was hoping to spend only 5-10$ but Eli picked this one and could not be talked out of it, I had promised he could pick whatever he wanted so in the end I agreed, even though it was a 20$ accent pillow. Doesn't it just scream 2.5 year old little boy?

114 and other crap

114 more days of working at this job that sucks a big fat one until I get to quit. That is not counting a few days I already plan on taking off, or weekends...Can I tell you what happened today? One of the doctors at my job fucked up and then tried to figure out a way to blame it on me WHEN I WASN'T EVEN IN THE OFFICE WHEN THE INCIDENT HAPPENED. Oh it is fun times here people.

Can I tell you something else? Not one time since we found out we are for sure moving have I felt melancholy whats so ever about leaving. OK I take that back, I felt a twinge of sadness over not getting to visit with my aunt who lives on the shore, but really that is it. I know I will miss NYC and my town that I live in, but I am so happy for Teddy, and so looking forward to hanging out with friends and family I haven't even had time to get depressed about leaving yet.

Not being sad about leaving does not have anything to do with being anxious though, I will get into a good freaking the fuck out in a couple of months. I will be completely losing my mind over having enough money and finding a job...I guarantee it... but nope not now, now I am in a completely not me zen state of happy and content.

In other non related stuff, what is the deal with people that HATE Valentine's Day? I'm not even talking about single people, I'm talking about people that are part of couples...I don't get it.

That's DOCTOR Teddy to you...

We found out today that Teddy got into the PhD program! I am so excited for him and for our family. I think at any other time in our marriage I would have been pretty upset about the thought of moving back to Alabama, but right now it really seems like the best thing for us. We are really excited about hanging out with my sister, BIL, niece and nephew. Teddy's brother lives there too and they have horses Eli can ride!

I was at a breaking point at work today and there was a moment I was so frustrated I almost cried. This is a BIG deal for me because I DO NOT CRY at work. I am stressed, anxious, and generally unhappy at work every day. Teddy and I have talked about trying to have another kid and I definitely do not think it would have been a healthy environment to be pregnant. Today as I was packing up for the day my phone rang and it was Teddy with the news. I can't imagine a better time to have received that news, I felt such a huge sense of relief, like there is finally at least a time line to my misery.

We are super excited right now, but give me a few days and I'll be in freaking the fuck out mode. It is just my way. I really think this is such a great step for our family and I am just so proud!

P.S. I have been trying to comment on your blogs but if you don't allow anonymous comments I realized that when I leave a comment it just links back to this blog. I deleted the comment I left on Bea's blog today, when I realized that. I will have to set up a dummy account so I can comment because I miss you guys! BUT hey maybe I'll just comment anyway because now I'm moving and quitting my job anyway so THERE STUPID FUCKING BLOG RUINER.

What the hell happened?

Yikes! When I woke up this morning I looked at my comments from last night's blog. Someone posting as Anoynmous knew WAY too much about me and it REALLY creeped me out. The best I can figure is this is someone who works at the same hospital I do but in a different department. This person stumbled across my blog (lucky me) and then did some research to find out who I was through my job. I think this person then emailed my website to someone else who then left me a super crazy hateful comment.

In some ways I am really sad to leave my old home. I liked it there and I liked the blog friends I met through there. On the other hand it is nice to have a fresh start with no links to who I am, or where I live. Even though I used my son's nickname on my last blog, everyone knows we call him that and it would be very easy to link my first name with my son's original nickname. So here we are in pseudonym land.

Penny is a nickname a few people called me in college. Eli is a version of my son's middle name. and Teddy....oh Teddy. My husband, is really a super nerd. He was a mathelete (HOTT) and he also had a strange obsession with Theodore Roosevelt (he was a Rough Rider!) and in fourth grade he insisted his teacher call him Teddy, as you may know this is no where close to his real first name.

Anyway, here I am and I'm going to try and not be too sad about losing my old blog home due to some real asshats, BUT dude I was almost at my 200 post and was going to have a 200 post spectacular and now you are going to have to wait.