budget schmudget

One of the things we knew was a possibility when were discussing Teddy going back to school was that we may have less money. This has turned out to be a reality that I am really not doing well with. I think I convinced myself that the cost of living in Alabama would be SO much cheaper than in NJ it would all sort of even out.

Welllllll this does not seem to be working out for me, even though the cost of living IS cheaper here, I am making MUCH less and Teddy is only working part time. I am bitter and sort of in denial about the whole thing and I'm really going to have to get a grip. I feel like EVERYONE has more money than I (we)do and I'm just angry and jealous about it. We need to cut our eating out budget to only once a week, and I really need to work on my grocery bill. We are spending about 120-175 on groceries a week for a family of three. This seems like a lot to me. I buy mostly organic/natural products and that really drives the bill up. Does anyone have any advice on this? Does that number seem high to you?

I am angry we are going backwards in our life...It seems you should make more money over time, not less. I get that a lot of people are going through this same thing right now, I'm just saying I'm having a hard time with it. I really resent giving up lattes, and crappy doo-dads at Target. I want to be able to buy a 20$ shirt at Old Navy if I like it, but the reality is I just can't. I need to focus on the positive things in life and yet I'm pouting over not being able to go out and get coffee and frozen yogurt if I want to.

I will say that the time with our family has been great, so even knowing what I know now I would still choose to move here but, dammit I wish I could catch a break in this horrible job market and get something that paid a little more than Jesus crap fuck nothing. I'm just a little angry right now.

Why I have no friends.

I have long since concluded that I have no friends since I have a weird sense of humor and no one gets me. I like inappropriate humor and poking fun at people...but I like to poke fun at ALL people, not any specific race, gender, or religion...I discriminate equally.

Anyway, this weekend we were talking to my BIL about how we (the three of us, BIL, Teddy and myself) laugh at weird things and somehow in the conversation we started trying to come up with the ABSOLUTE WORST things you could try to market. My idea was porn for kids, Teddy said Jesus penis replicas and I can't even tell you what BIL said because it is just SO wrong (but we still all laughed). What are your terrible products?

bullets for Friday

I've got nothing new to add today but I read someone else's post today which reminded me of some stuff that I know a lot of you like that I just don't get....

For example:

• Seinfeld. I've mentioned this before. I don't get it. It makes me uncomfortable because they seem to yell at each other a lot. I can't watch it without hiding my face.
• Twilight or Vampires...How did Vampires become so cool all the sudden? I have never actually read Twilight so really I shouldn't judge but I'm not really into Sci-Fi kind of stuff
• Down Vests. Aren't your arms cold?
• Why the Sci-Fi channel felt the need to change their name to SyFy Channel. Lame.

Oh, and I also wanted to give you a Mom to English dictionary in case you ever meet my Mom.

• Pandera=Panera
• Liberry=Library
• Furry=Ferry
• Burry=Berry
• Jeepy=her car which is a Jeep but she says "Jeepy" like you should know already
• Rangy Tang=her cat Meringue...the name Rangy Tang makes my skin crawl

Here are some things she keeps in her house I don't get

• Zip lock bags full of seashells on every flat surface (she likes the idea of seashells as knick-knack sort of things but she doesn't want them to get dusty)
• a shrine to her dead dog which includes raw hide bones...which reminds me of pouring out some of your drink for your dead hommies.
• a coyote skull
• giant plastic bugs used as home decor
• old nuts and Cinnamon sticks that she runs through the dishwasher
• fake flowers pushed into pots

Please feel free to tell me about some stuff that you don't get. Here are some examples of things I like that might help you:

• The Office
• The Real Housewives of Wherever
• pigtails
• making fun of my mom online
• eating till I feel sick
• smoking (not recently)

AND..........go!

She's HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRREEEE

If you read my sister's blog you know my mom moved to the town that we live last Friday. If you have read my blog for any amount of time you know my mom is a complete wack a doodle. I really believe my mom has a personality disorder, which means she is really, really irritating.

Having worked in the mental health profession for the last 9 years or so I can tell you that any therapist, or counselor or whoever, hates working with personality disorders because they are typically difficult people to deal with and unlike someone who has say, has an anxiety disorder, they don't think there is anything wrong with them.

My mom really believes that the most mundane details of her life should be extremely interesting to you and she will take 30 minutes to tell you a detailed story about how, for example she went to Wal-Mart to buy an ironing board, AND she will tell the story over and over and over and over and over. I'm not sure if all the drinking she did affected her memory so maybe she forgot she told you the story the first elebenty billion times BUT even if you tell her you already heard the story she will continue to tell it to you, without leaving out any of the details.

I am really trying to give her a break because I know at this point she is trying to do the right thing, but damn the women makes me crazy. Teddy and I took her to the grocery store last weekend and I am STILL annoyed at what she bought. I know that a normal person could care less about what some other person chooses to buy at the grocery store but I have spent almost a week being annoyed. She had absolutely no food in her house and she bought a pack of generic white bread and a package of generic bologna. I know you are thinking "SO WHAT?", well I know, and you are right but it makes me crazy.

She will actually buy food to EAT from the dollar store. She refuses to eat anything that is even remotely healthy and she won't even try it (and it isn't like she does it because she is poor, she just bought a 32 inch LCD TV). I'm not really sure why this is the thing that I am focusing on right now, maybe because it is easier than focusing on the fact that she was a crap mother for the last 15 or so years. I think I also partially blame her for the fact that I was fat most of my life. I know she didn't put food in my face and make me eat it, but she bought the food and it was typically crap. Once I told my husband and his brother a story that I thought was sort of funny about how when I was in high school there was about a week period where the only things edible to eat in the house were a box of fat free saltines and a crate of oranges my dad bought from some boy scouts or something. They were more horrified than amused and I realized that wasn't really a normal thing to feed your kids.

Anyway, she is here now and I have to go to her house and help her move her furniture. I am just hoping I don't end up having a seizure from all the ugly ass shit she has in her house and that she thinks is nice, for example a glittery red lobster with Christmas lights on it and a Jeep shaped cake pan she hung on the wall. Wish me luck.

I could be a great housewife...

If I didn't hate it so much. AND I need to clear up something that I feel sort of guilty about... Eli is in daycare during the day so I'm here all day by myself. I know. I know. That really doesn't seem too awful, but I'm not a good at home by myself kind of person, I can't relax and I just end up doing dumb chores all day. Here is the things I've already done today:

1. jogged 5 miles
2. painted trim in my bathroom (I say MY bathroom because I have banned Eli and Teddy from it. This is the first time in..uh....hmmm maybe since I was in high school that I don't have to share a bathroom and it is HEAVEN)
3. cleaned dog poop out of the yard
4. laundry
5. dishes
6. swept and swiffered both bathroom floors
7. vacuumed
8. cleaned kitchen counter tops

If it wasn't for the pesky fact of needing to make money to keep Eli in daycare and needing to make money for my sanity, I would make a terrific housewife. Oh and I'm showered and dressed...Not like in a dress and heels or anything, but I count taking a shower as a WIN.

blah

We had a really great weekend, and Teddy and I both said that this weekend made us think that moving here was totally worth it. We had a BBQ and my sister and her family attended as well as Teddy's brother and Sister in Law. It was really great. The 5,000 calories I ate in Salt and Vinegar chips were worth it too.

In spite of the great weekend I'm still feeling blah today. It is the same story, that with out working I really feel sort of useless and losery, which is sad that so much of my identity is wrapped up into having a job, but there it is. I'm trying to cheer myself up, so let me share with you some bullets of goodness.

• I got two DVD's of thirtysomething in the mail today. I love watching TV on DVD. I just got done watching season 3 of Dexter and Teddy and I loved it.
• Small. I ordered a small shirt from Old Navy and I got it today AND it fits. I know that small at Old Navy is probably the same as Medium anywhere else, BUT I was wearing an XL from Old Navy and to own a clothing item that says SMALL AND FITS is totally rocking my world.
• My 15 year high school reunion is in less than a month and I must find something fabulous to wear. I'm thinking of splurging and getting something from Anthropologie, but it does sort of make me feel guilty since I have NO INCOME.

That's all I got for now. I've been a sucky blogger and a sucky commenter...I must get out of my funk.

grass, not always greener.

Over the weekend we went to the wedding reception of an old friend of ours. It was weird because we saw a lot of friends we haven't seen in 10 years, and what made it weirder is because we couldn't think of anything to say to each other. You would think after 10 years you could think of one interesting thing to say, but nope, I couldn't.

It seemed to me like time stood still here when Teddy and I left and we came back and were plopped back right down in the middle of things. We had a nice time, but it doesn't seem like our friends are really our friends anymore, you know?

One of the people we ran into and talked to for a long time was a good friend of Teddy's. We were so happy to see him because we felt like there was finally someone there we had something in common with. They have been friends for 20 years and they played in several bands together. He and his wife had a baby the month after Teddy and I had Eli. We keep in touch with them via facebook and Holiday cards and we knew their daughter had some medical issues when she was born, mostly with her eyes, but really, we had no idea.

To back up a bit, let me say the previous week I was a total downer. I was depressed I wasn't working and I was feeling sorry for myself on several levels. Eli has been very difficult lately, I'm assuming the way most 3 years olds can be, but I was sure he was the only child who had ever been so difficult, and I was the only mother who just could.not.stand to hear him ask "mommy, what's that?" one more time. I was losing my patience frequently and asking Teddy if there was "something wrong" with Eli because he is just so... just so.... just so... MUCH.

Anyway, we stood there talking to our friend and when I start asking about his daughter he looks at me quizzically and says "you don't know?" and I say "what?" to which he goes into a long explanation about how their daughter has a brain abnormality and will never be "normal." He told us the story of visiting with the neurologist who very matter-of-factly went down a list of their daughter's problems including "severely MR" to which our friend responded "WAIT, what is MR?" and the doctor stopped and asked our friend "did no one tell you this before?" He went on to tell them to never expect her to graduate high school, and that she would be living with them for the rest of their lives. It was such a shocking story to me, and yet our friend told it the same way he told us the story about his cousin and the karaoke machine.

I don't mean it to sound like he didn't care, it wasn't like that at all, it was more that he was just dealing with it and it was just a part of his life now. It was so amazing to me because I told Teddy I don't think I could ever tell the story and not cry, I don't think *I* could ever be "normal" again. I have thought of our friends and their daughter every day since Saturday and I wonder how I could ever feel sorry for myself, how can I feel annoyed at my "normal" kid.

I'm sure I'm still going to feel sorry for myself, and I'm SURE I'm still going to be annoyed at my kid, but I have some perspective. I know that really it isn't that bad, and in taking a cue from my friends that even when it *IS* that bad, you just have to deal with it and move on.

chest of drawers

We are moved into our new house and doing well, BUT I can not get my router to work so my computer has to stay plugged into the modem which happens to be on top of my dresser...I mean chest of drawers, in my bedroom...It is a very inconvenient place to use the computer, you have to stand in the doorway to the bathroom...OH my life is so hard and then I had to walk in the HEAT to eat dinner.

I want to tell you about how I'm an idiot and didn't turn on the water OR the gas to our new house, and about how my BABY turned three years old over the weekend, and how I saw pictures of myself in a bathing suit and I didn't know it was ME, because I still picture myself as a fat girl, but those things will all have to wait till I can sit down and tell you my stories....

atleast it wasn't a Post-it.

I don't really have too many friends. I was talking to Teddy about this last weekend and I was saying that I like to assume that the reason I don't have many friends is other people's fault...meaning that THEY don't like ME because I'm weird or whatever, but really I think it is time for me to own up to the fact that I am a weirdo and I'm not good at making friends. I was thinking about this as Teddy and I were at a fair in our local park and I was looking around and we were literally the ONLY family sitting off to the side by ourselves. Everyone one else was standing in groups and chatting while their kids played and Teddy and I choose to sit away from everyone and only talk to each other.

I think because I am so crappy at making friends I have tried to keep in touch with the few good friends I made in high school and college. A couple of them are married and have their own kids so it is easy to relate to them and we have a lot in common. One friend of mine I met because my parents were friends with his parents so we were sort of forced to be friends. We ended up becoming pretty close and actually were roommates for awhile in college. We had a falling out over some pretty stupid shit (bills, I didn't like his girlfriend, who was going to pay for the grow lamps for the special plants he had in the closet etc.) but after a year or so we made amends and kept in touch over the years. He still lives in Alabama and sometimes when I would go and visit my sister he would come hang out. We have been friends for almost 20 years so it made it even harder when I broke up with him via email yesterday.

My friend got married about three years ago and shortly after he got married his wife went batshit crazy. He came to find out that she was bi polar and had been taking medications while they were dating, but shortly after they got married she stopped taking her medications and started having a lot of symptoms. When she was in a manic phase she would leave for days at a time and my friend would have no idea where she went. Needless to say it was a very stressful time in his life and when I talked with him the conversation was always about him and his problems with his wife.

I tried to be very understanding and I took all my friends calls, even when I had an infant and PPD. After a year or so the calls started getting tiresome because they were always the same and filled with drama. This went on for several years and I am not exaggerating when I say EVERY time I talked to my friend it was 95% about him. His wife at one point moved out of his house and into one of his friend's houses that he also worked with, so there was drama ALL.THE.TIME.

About six months ago my friend called me to tell me that he and his wife were finally getting divorced. They had been separated for awhile and now they were going to make it official. I thought that maybe I would finally get a chance to actually talk during our conversations. Over the last couple of days my friend texted me and asked if I wanted to IM with him while we were both at work. I agreed and we chatted with each other on and off for a few days. I am tempted to copy and past the conversation here just so you can see it was ALL about him, about his new job and his new girlfriend...he went so far as to tell me I should ask him MORE questions about him and his new girlfriend so he could tell me more about them. In these conversations there was never any questions about our upcoming move, my son, or my husband's acceptance into the PhD program.

I thought about it over night and yesterday morning I sent my friend an email saying that I spend my day listening to other people's problems so when I invest in a friendship I expect it to be 50/50. I told him that I understood that he had been going through a lot, but I had too and I was tired of our friendship only being one sided, I said when he was ready to be a friend to me then I would be willing to talk about it. He never wrote back.

I have never actually broken up with a friend...I have had friends that we have grown apart and lost contact, but I have never said to someone "I don't want to be friends with you anymore." It was sad, but also sort of liberating.

protesting was never so funny

I know things are tough now, good people are losing their jobs and sad things are happening everywhere but dudes...DUDES all day today they have been talking about "teabagging" on TV and I can't be more amused. I laugh every time I hear it, I laugh when I think about it. I laugh that a bunch of white, old man douche bags have no idea what teabagging is and they go around saying it in all seriousness while the rest of us laugh at them. I can not wait to see Jon Stewart go to town on this.

Today is awesome.

all because I thought her pants were funny

• Today I was walking down the street and saw a fairly large women wearing a pair of stretch pants and pushing a stroller. Her stretch pants said "baby girl" across the ass. I don't get it. I guess it would make sense if it was on her stomach AND she was pregnant, but on her ass? Is her ass pregnant with a smaller ass? I decided I was going to get a pair of stretch pants and then some iron on letters, and put "something stupid" on my ass.
• That reminded me of a time several years ago when Teddy and I went to Florida to visit my dad, and my sister and her family. We were staying in an apartment my dad rented for the summer and this bizarre woman who lived in the same apartment complex was having a big party for her 30th birthday. She went out to celebrate and got a tattoo of a daiquiri spilling on the number 30. It was the most hilarious tattoo I have ever seen in person and my sister and I had to totally keep our shit together to not laugh in that ladies face. As Teddy would say "bless her heart" which is what he says instead of "stupid idiot" because he is from the South and polite.
• That story reminds me of a story from several years ago before Eli was on the scene. Teddy and I went to a bar to have a few drinks and after having several beers I told Teddy I thought we should go get each others names tattooed on ourselves. He readily agreed and off we went. He got my name tattooed on his bicep... and then I refused...Oh I laughed and laughed and laughed...I'm a bitch. I still laugh when I tell that story.