I love being Teddy's wife and Eli's mom...I really do, but it isn't enough for me. I really enjoy having a working self too. I have either been working, or in school since I was 16, and sometimes both, and I don't know what to do with myself with out having a job.
I haven't always loved the particular job I've had but I've always enjoyed having a place to go everyday, having my own office with my own pens, having work friends and special inside work jokes. I have always identified myself largely by having a job, and now that I don't have one I feel a little lost.
When I first graduated from college Teddy and I moved to south Alabama (even further south than where we are now)and I was jobless for six months. I became very depressed and VERY fat...the two tend to go hand in hand with me. If I am anxious, I can't eat, but if I am depressed ALL I want to do is eat and then I feel bad about myself for overeating and then I eat some more because I'm so depressed and who cares if I'm fat anyway?
This morning as I was running I was trying to tell myself that I need to continue my running schedule because right now I think it is one of the things keeping me from becoming depressed. I wake up in the morning and feel defeated thinking everyone I know has somewhere to be today (including my 3 year old) except me and I feel shitty and insignificant, but then I strap on my shoes and huff and puff up and down the hills and I feel better about myself and I think I can make it with out sinking into a funk.
I have been to two interviews for the same position (and I'm awaiting a call for a third interview for the same position...dear God) and I have another interview scheduled for September 1 with a different agency, but really I don't want any of those jobs. I have considered applying to The Gap and Target just to get something to keep me busy, but I really don't want to work weekends. I may go back to waiting tables just to get out of the house, but again usually those jobs include evenings and weekends which I'm not willing to do (yet).
I am really happy about our decision to move, Teddy and Eli are really thriving and seeing them so happy really makes me happy, but I need my own THING. Teddy tried to help the other night by reminding me that although we have had some rough times, generally things work out for us...and he is right, they do, but WHEN? I feel like I'm holding on by a thread and I don't know how much longer I can do this...weeks? months? I mean it is has only been two weeks since we moved and I'm already a little cagey.
Anyway, I'm just feeling sorry for myself today and venting. I've already applied for some jobs, dusted, painted and I'm about to go to the bank and pick up my kid, then I get to have dinner with the family (which really helps too) I needed something to fill the gap of time so I didn't start refinishing the floors....
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
before and now
It is very hard for me to find pictures of myself from the first couple of years of Eli's life. There are two main reasons for this, one is that I am typically the one taking the pictures and the other is that I have deleted most of the pictures of me because I look fat. This makes me sad now because there are very few pictures of Eli and I together. I know I wasn't looking my best, but I wish I would have known that there would be a day that I would want those pictures regardless of how I looked.
I am still working on weight loss and making healthy eating choices and exercising but I am really proud of how far I have come. I understand that Sports Illustrated will not be knocking on my door anytime soon for their swimsuit edition, but I can look at pictures of me in a swimsuit and not want to cry.
The funny thing is when I downloaded the pictures I opened one of them and wondered for a minute who the lady was holding Eli's hand, because it was surely not me. I still imagine myself to be fat, and when I saw that picture I was surprised because that person doesn't look like what I imagine myself to look like. I hope someday the outside and the inside can come together and I can start looking good, and feeling good. I think that day is coming.
I am still working on weight loss and making healthy eating choices and exercising but I am really proud of how far I have come. I understand that Sports Illustrated will not be knocking on my door anytime soon for their swimsuit edition, but I can look at pictures of me in a swimsuit and not want to cry.
The funny thing is when I downloaded the pictures I opened one of them and wondered for a minute who the lady was holding Eli's hand, because it was surely not me. I still imagine myself to be fat, and when I saw that picture I was surprised because that person doesn't look like what I imagine myself to look like. I hope someday the outside and the inside can come together and I can start looking good, and feeling good. I think that day is coming.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Nine
Yesterday Teddy and I "celebrated" our 9th Anniversary. I say "celebrated" because we went to kid's night at a local restaurant and there was a balloon animal artist, and a pinata. We had a really nice time getting to sit around with my sister and her family, but we were both a little bummed we didn't get to have a romantic night.
Our anniversary has been severely overshadowed for the last four years by a tiny little boy. I get so wrapped up in planning birthday parties that I tend to forget about our anniversary until it is an after thought. We are really hoping that we do something fancy for our 10th anniversary next year, like get drunk in Florida (what? we live in Alabama now...getting drunk in Florida is fancy).
One thing I did think of yesterday while I was jogging was that if you were ever looking for motivation to stay fit and attractive for your partner, move to a town of 20,000 college students. I'm pretty sure after seeing the 100th pair of firm, tan thighs that I ran a little harder and little longer....Bless Teddy's heart for being a little too absent minded professor-y to always notice, but I'm sure he has to notice sometimes, I mean for God's sake these girls are so FIRM that *I* notice.
Anyway, that was a weird sidetrack, but I wanted you to know that in the battle of me against my router, I finally won (after purchasing a new one) and I am coming to you from my dining room table, so I will be around to visit soon, because I missed you guys.
Our anniversary has been severely overshadowed for the last four years by a tiny little boy. I get so wrapped up in planning birthday parties that I tend to forget about our anniversary until it is an after thought. We are really hoping that we do something fancy for our 10th anniversary next year, like get drunk in Florida (what? we live in Alabama now...getting drunk in Florida is fancy).
One thing I did think of yesterday while I was jogging was that if you were ever looking for motivation to stay fit and attractive for your partner, move to a town of 20,000 college students. I'm pretty sure after seeing the 100th pair of firm, tan thighs that I ran a little harder and little longer....Bless Teddy's heart for being a little too absent minded professor-y to always notice, but I'm sure he has to notice sometimes, I mean for God's sake these girls are so FIRM that *I* notice.
Anyway, that was a weird sidetrack, but I wanted you to know that in the battle of me against my router, I finally won (after purchasing a new one) and I am coming to you from my dining room table, so I will be around to visit soon, because I missed you guys.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
chest of drawers
We are moved into our new house and doing well, BUT I can not get my router to work so my computer has to stay plugged into the modem which happens to be on top of my dresser...I mean chest of drawers, in my bedroom...It is a very inconvenient place to use the computer, you have to stand in the doorway to the bathroom...OH my life is so hard and then I had to walk in the HEAT to eat dinner.
I want to tell you about how I'm an idiot and didn't turn on the water OR the gas to our new house, and about how my BABY turned three years old over the weekend, and how I saw pictures of myself in a bathing suit and I didn't know it was ME, because I still picture myself as a fat girl, but those things will all have to wait till I can sit down and tell you my stories....
I want to tell you about how I'm an idiot and didn't turn on the water OR the gas to our new house, and about how my BABY turned three years old over the weekend, and how I saw pictures of myself in a bathing suit and I didn't know it was ME, because I still picture myself as a fat girl, but those things will all have to wait till I can sit down and tell you my stories....
Monday, August 10, 2009
here
I made it to my sister's house. Teddy is about 3 hours away with my Brother in Law, all our stuff, and our dog and two cats. I miss them. We still have to wait until Thursday to actually move into our new house, and then I'll post some pictures. I miss you.
Here is a gem from when my mom came to "help" me move, and by "help" I mean stand outside and smoke and pick stuff out of my trash, like Teddy's old boxer shorts. She was pretty sure that Blue's Clues was cancelled because Steve was a pedophile. Yeah, I don't know either. There's more but I can't remember right now.
Here is a gem from when my mom came to "help" me move, and by "help" I mean stand outside and smoke and pick stuff out of my trash, like Teddy's old boxer shorts. She was pretty sure that Blue's Clues was cancelled because Steve was a pedophile. Yeah, I don't know either. There's more but I can't remember right now.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
mean people suck
There are a lot of things I will miss about NYC but to be quite honest, the people are not one of them. I lived mostly in small towns growing up and people are polite, they hold the door for you even if they have to wait an awkwardly long time, they say hello, they wave when they drive past...just generally friendly.
I will say in my experience a lot of the people around here are douche bags (obviously a lot are not). I actually yelled at a pregnant woman today in Union Square because she was such a bitch, and honestly that isn't like me, I'm pretty polite. Here is my take on the NYC culture: people (of course I am generalizing here) think they are all super special snowflakes, and YOU are in the way of their most special snowflakedom so you must be KILLED or SHOVED OUT OF THE WAY so they can get whatever they want.
I told Teddy today that I think New Yorkers are the rudest people in America. Now, there is A LOT of America I have not been to, and yet I'm comfortable making this statement.
DISCLAIMER: I totally get that not all people in NYC suck, I'm just saying in my lifetime I have seen and dealt with more crazy assholes in NYC than anywhere else on earth. OH and here is another generalization I'm going to make, people in NYC stink. I know, I know I'm terrible, but let me tell you NYC in the summer is really not that awesome. It is hot and you walk down the street and the nasty air conditioner water drips on your head, and you can smell the cooking garbage on the sidewalk. People go from the hot sidewalk to the even hotter subway station and then the inevitable starts to happen and they get a little ripe. It really is a very smelly city.
(for a completely different take on the city, you can go read my sister's post)
I will say in my experience a lot of the people around here are douche bags (obviously a lot are not). I actually yelled at a pregnant woman today in Union Square because she was such a bitch, and honestly that isn't like me, I'm pretty polite. Here is my take on the NYC culture: people (of course I am generalizing here) think they are all super special snowflakes, and YOU are in the way of their most special snowflakedom so you must be KILLED or SHOVED OUT OF THE WAY so they can get whatever they want.
I told Teddy today that I think New Yorkers are the rudest people in America. Now, there is A LOT of America I have not been to, and yet I'm comfortable making this statement.
DISCLAIMER: I totally get that not all people in NYC suck, I'm just saying in my lifetime I have seen and dealt with more crazy assholes in NYC than anywhere else on earth. OH and here is another generalization I'm going to make, people in NYC stink. I know, I know I'm terrible, but let me tell you NYC in the summer is really not that awesome. It is hot and you walk down the street and the nasty air conditioner water drips on your head, and you can smell the cooking garbage on the sidewalk. People go from the hot sidewalk to the even hotter subway station and then the inevitable starts to happen and they get a little ripe. It really is a very smelly city.
(for a completely different take on the city, you can go read my sister's post)
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