maybe the answer should just be to stop watching that horrible show

I have a confession to make (that I've probably made before)...I like horrible reality TV. My most recent being Bethenny Getting Married. It is horrible...She is horrible, and yet I'm transfixed. The main storyline is that she is pregnant (and as you can probably assume from the title, getting married).

The part I'm the most interested in is her pregnancy/newborn story line. I'm ALWAYS watching shows and reading blogs about people having babies. My hope is to one day find someone who shares my same experience (and then I'll stalk them and hunt them down just to give them a hug and maybe ask if they'll snuggle with me a little because I am just that desperate)

The episode last night was Bethenny and her new husband coming home from the hospital with their newborn. I could not have had a more DIFFERENT experience. They seemed relatively calm, they did normal things, they absolutely GUSHED about how much they loved their baby. It was all so foreign to me.

When Eli was born the VERY FIRST THING I thought when they showed him to me was "wow, I don't know that person." I guess I really thought that having spent 40 weeks talking to him and carrying him around inside of me I would know him when he was born. I also remember not really loving him. It isn't that I didn't love him, it is more that I was so consumed with keeping him alive that love wasn't my first emotion...anxiety was.

I remember thinking after his birth that I wasn't normal, and I would never feel normal again. I remember watching other people have babies and they would do what I considered to be normal things (go out to eat, talk on the phone, make dinner) and I just couldn't understand how that was possible. I couldn't do anything except cry and worry.

I keep thinking about these things because Teddy and I continue to talk about trying to have another one (although we can't now due to our finances and insurance stuff which makes me sad and frustrated too). I wonder if the second time around I'll have the experience that most other people describe, or I wonder if I'll have a repeat of the first time.

My baby is almost 4 (can you believe that? He is a full fledged KID who has hairy legs and is about 3/4 the size I am!) and I still am not over my postpartum experience. I really don't think that will ever change, but I wonder if having another will help me get over the first experience OR if it will be a big fat kick in the face like the first one was. I guess it shows how much I love my kid NOW if I'd be even willing to try that again.

( I forget to tell you about the cakes. I know you are just DYING to know. The one that is by FAR superior is mine...the one on the left with the slice....My sister made the other one, but today is her birthday and you probably hurt her feelings when you said mine was so much better so you should go give her some love)

bullets for Friday

I've got nothing new to add today but I read someone else's post today which reminded me of some stuff that I know a lot of you like that I just don't get....

For example:

• Seinfeld. I've mentioned this before. I don't get it. It makes me uncomfortable because they seem to yell at each other a lot. I can't watch it without hiding my face.
• Twilight or Vampires...How did Vampires become so cool all the sudden? I have never actually read Twilight so really I shouldn't judge but I'm not really into Sci-Fi kind of stuff
• Down Vests. Aren't your arms cold?
• Why the Sci-Fi channel felt the need to change their name to SyFy Channel. Lame.

Oh, and I also wanted to give you a Mom to English dictionary in case you ever meet my Mom.

• Pandera=Panera
• Liberry=Library
• Furry=Ferry
• Burry=Berry
• Jeepy=her car which is a Jeep but she says "Jeepy" like you should know already
• Rangy Tang=her cat Meringue...the name Rangy Tang makes my skin crawl

Here are some things she keeps in her house I don't get

• Zip lock bags full of seashells on every flat surface (she likes the idea of seashells as knick-knack sort of things but she doesn't want them to get dusty)
• a shrine to her dead dog which includes raw hide bones...which reminds me of pouring out some of your drink for your dead hommies.
• a coyote skull
• giant plastic bugs used as home decor
• old nuts and Cinnamon sticks that she runs through the dishwasher
• fake flowers pushed into pots

Please feel free to tell me about some stuff that you don't get. Here are some examples of things I like that might help you:

• The Office
• The Real Housewives of Wherever
• pigtails
• making fun of my mom online
• eating till I feel sick
• smoking (not recently)

AND..........go!

She's HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRREEEE

If you read my sister's blog you know my mom moved to the town that we live last Friday. If you have read my blog for any amount of time you know my mom is a complete wack a doodle. I really believe my mom has a personality disorder, which means she is really, really irritating.

Having worked in the mental health profession for the last 9 years or so I can tell you that any therapist, or counselor or whoever, hates working with personality disorders because they are typically difficult people to deal with and unlike someone who has say, has an anxiety disorder, they don't think there is anything wrong with them.

My mom really believes that the most mundane details of her life should be extremely interesting to you and she will take 30 minutes to tell you a detailed story about how, for example she went to Wal-Mart to buy an ironing board, AND she will tell the story over and over and over and over and over. I'm not sure if all the drinking she did affected her memory so maybe she forgot she told you the story the first elebenty billion times BUT even if you tell her you already heard the story she will continue to tell it to you, without leaving out any of the details.

I am really trying to give her a break because I know at this point she is trying to do the right thing, but damn the women makes me crazy. Teddy and I took her to the grocery store last weekend and I am STILL annoyed at what she bought. I know that a normal person could care less about what some other person chooses to buy at the grocery store but I have spent almost a week being annoyed. She had absolutely no food in her house and she bought a pack of generic white bread and a package of generic bologna. I know you are thinking "SO WHAT?", well I know, and you are right but it makes me crazy.

She will actually buy food to EAT from the dollar store. She refuses to eat anything that is even remotely healthy and she won't even try it (and it isn't like she does it because she is poor, she just bought a 32 inch LCD TV). I'm not really sure why this is the thing that I am focusing on right now, maybe because it is easier than focusing on the fact that she was a crap mother for the last 15 or so years. I think I also partially blame her for the fact that I was fat most of my life. I know she didn't put food in my face and make me eat it, but she bought the food and it was typically crap. Once I told my husband and his brother a story that I thought was sort of funny about how when I was in high school there was about a week period where the only things edible to eat in the house were a box of fat free saltines and a crate of oranges my dad bought from some boy scouts or something. They were more horrified than amused and I realized that wasn't really a normal thing to feed your kids.

Anyway, she is here now and I have to go to her house and help her move her furniture. I am just hoping I don't end up having a seizure from all the ugly ass shit she has in her house and that she thinks is nice, for example a glittery red lobster with Christmas lights on it and a Jeep shaped cake pan she hung on the wall. Wish me luck.