maybe the answer should just be to stop watching that horrible show

I have a confession to make (that I've probably made before)...I like horrible reality TV. My most recent being Bethenny Getting Married. It is horrible...She is horrible, and yet I'm transfixed. The main storyline is that she is pregnant (and as you can probably assume from the title, getting married).

The part I'm the most interested in is her pregnancy/newborn story line. I'm ALWAYS watching shows and reading blogs about people having babies. My hope is to one day find someone who shares my same experience (and then I'll stalk them and hunt them down just to give them a hug and maybe ask if they'll snuggle with me a little because I am just that desperate)

The episode last night was Bethenny and her new husband coming home from the hospital with their newborn. I could not have had a more DIFFERENT experience. They seemed relatively calm, they did normal things, they absolutely GUSHED about how much they loved their baby. It was all so foreign to me.

When Eli was born the VERY FIRST THING I thought when they showed him to me was "wow, I don't know that person." I guess I really thought that having spent 40 weeks talking to him and carrying him around inside of me I would know him when he was born. I also remember not really loving him. It isn't that I didn't love him, it is more that I was so consumed with keeping him alive that love wasn't my first emotion...anxiety was.

I remember thinking after his birth that I wasn't normal, and I would never feel normal again. I remember watching other people have babies and they would do what I considered to be normal things (go out to eat, talk on the phone, make dinner) and I just couldn't understand how that was possible. I couldn't do anything except cry and worry.

I keep thinking about these things because Teddy and I continue to talk about trying to have another one (although we can't now due to our finances and insurance stuff which makes me sad and frustrated too). I wonder if the second time around I'll have the experience that most other people describe, or I wonder if I'll have a repeat of the first time.

My baby is almost 4 (can you believe that? He is a full fledged KID who has hairy legs and is about 3/4 the size I am!) and I still am not over my postpartum experience. I really don't think that will ever change, but I wonder if having another will help me get over the first experience OR if it will be a big fat kick in the face like the first one was. I guess it shows how much I love my kid NOW if I'd be even willing to try that again.

( I forget to tell you about the cakes. I know you are just DYING to know. The one that is by FAR superior is mine...the one on the left with the slice....My sister made the other one, but today is her birthday and you probably hurt her feelings when you said mine was so much better so you should go give her some love)

8 is enough?

Oh dear. Oh, I officially have no shame. Here is the thing. I bought myself a pair of motivation jeans in a petite size 8. They came today and I will have to say I was pleasantly surprised I could button them. Oh, it wasn't comfortable and it looks like absolute hell, but they buttoned. I think the last time I wore a size 8 I was probably in college. I am THRILLED to be able to button a single digit size. When I started this journey I was comfortably wearing a size 16.

My goal is to be able to wear these pants (and look good in them) when we go to my sister's house over Memorial Day. Teddy's band is playing that weekend and I want to look HOTT, not old and fat. I sometimes feel bad for Teddy because when we started dating I was probably a few pounds less than I am now, but in the next several years I put on fifty pounds. I did have a nine pound baby and I put on a lot of weight after I started taking antidepressants for the PPD, but still...He never has said ANYTHING but I know he has to notice. A big part of this has been to look better for myself, but honestly it has also been about looking better for him too.

Weight loss has been a major part of my life for the last several months, and that has been very apparent in my writing but I don't want to forget about my son who is changing and making us laugh every day. Yesterday was the first time he made up a word from his imagination. He was telling us about a Daboof bird that he saw flying in his room and it goes DABOOF and it made him laugh hysterically (he is just like his mother, he laughs at his own lame jokes). He also likes to pretend to be a baby penguin and he is still into practicing his skating/surfing moves on a Frisbee or his high chair tray.

30 months

I asked Eli how the last 30 months have treated him, this is what he said:
I know I've said it a million times, but I never thought we (I) would make it this far. This part is definitely better than the itty bitty baby part, it is still hard, but I don't feel like I'm slowly going insane and my brains are going to start leaking out of my ears.

Days when I'm having a rough time I think of a night when Eli was probably four weeks old and I was laying on my bed on my stomach with my arm in his bassinet shushing him and rocking his mattress so he would stay asleep. I remember laying there and thinking that I had never in my life been so miserable, or could have even imagined being so miserable. I remember thinking that if I just died right then at least I'd get some rest. We are a long way from that night today.

At 3o months Eli has more personality than I thought would be possible for a toddler. He LOVES to talk and he keeps a running narrative of EVERYTHING he does. He does not like to play alone, he wants his father or I to be playing with him, or paying attention to him, at all times. He loves to makes us laugh, and he has a great sense of humor. He is really into imaginary books he gets from his feet, skateboarding, guitars, drums, and reading books.

I can't wait to see what the next 30 months have in store for us. I really believe we lucked out with this kid, he is more than we ever deserved and we work really hard to be enough for him.