I know these feelings seem really extreme, but I can't help but feeling this way. I find it hard to have a conversation because I don't believe I have anything of value to add. I find myself being easily irritated and quick to get angry at Eli. It is really not my best showing.
It seems odd to even me that all these feelings are just because I don't have a job, but obviously they are always there, somewhere it is just that working keeps me occupied and I don't have to think of these things.
Honestly, it is also about the money. I wanted to buy my husband his own computer to use while he is getting his PhD, but I can't afford it right now. Eli has been asking us to take him to the beach and I want too, I really want too, but I just can't take a vacation without a job. Teddy wants a bicycle to ride to school, and again, I just can't afford it.
I have applied for jobs I'm qualified for, jobs I'm over qualified for, and jobs I'm probably under qualified for and...nothing. My self esteem is taking a hit and I don't feel like I'm having much fun lately. It will pass. I know it will, but I keep wondering if Christmas is going to roll and around and be pretty bleak because I still haven't found a job.
I just need to have some hope, and when I go jogging I try repeat that word to myself...hope... as some sort of mantra and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Yesterday it didn't.
But...BUT, yesterday wasn't ALL bad, when I was making Eli's super nutritions dinner of frozen fish sticks, I saw this:
That is my lost wedding band at the bottom of the fish sticks box.
7 comments:
yay for finding your ring!
i know well the way youre feeling. even though im a stay at home mama by choice. (mostly-because lets be honest, even if i tried to get a job right now---wow, i dont even want to think about how hard it would be.) anyway, i still definitely feel worthless sometimes. like at the end of the day what do i have to show for my time on this earth. mostly the feelings pass but sometimes they last longer. hang in there. :)
Wow, so glad you found your ring!!!
It is a terrible time to job search right now...I feel for you, looking for a "real" job. Hang in there, Penny - and no matter what, you DO matter and you are not invisible!
Oh Pen---you and I are so on the same page these days. i could have written every word of this post, well, except for finding the ring (yeah for that though). i also feel invisible. useless. worthless. and have applied for everything under the sun. i don't have any good words of wisdom except to say let's just keep going. i'm trying to keep hope too--there has to be something out there. something's got to change. i know it. and i know you will come through this too. i'm here if you need to vent. i sooooo understand. i wasted way too much time on stupid fb today, farming. sad that makes me feel productive.
Wow! Can't believe you found your ring at the bottom of a fish sticks box! What a story!
I am sorry you're feeling invisible. It is so hard when you feel like you aren't contributing and finances are tough. We were there this time last year and I just felt like there wasn't anything I could do enough (like clean enough, cook enough, etc.) to make up for the lack of income. It's just frustrating and depressing.
Hope something comes your way just like your ring- unexpected!
Do you want to know something really weird? Mr. P and I picked your birthday present and I had NOT read this.
I hope that these feelings don't overwhelm you, and no matter about money, we are going to have fantastic holidays.
Remember...your mom will be here!
hooray for finding your ring!!!
Maybe you feel invisible because you're getting so skinny! OK, sorry to make light of an honest emotion, but you do look great :)
I'm sorry about the job situation. I remember when I first graduated, and everyone had these great advanced practice jobs and I had nothing. Zippo. And then I was strung along by this cardiologist and that job fell through. And then I took a job working for a nutty family practice doc and within three months the practice closed. Then I was unemployed for a while again.
And then I found my current job. And it rocks--most of the time anyway, as far as jobs go. You know what I mean. So I'm not trying to be all Pollyanna on you but sometimes it just takes a while to find a good one, but here's hoping that the RIGHT one will come along.
Maybe you could look into some volunteering somewhere? Again, not trying to sound Pollyanna but just thinking that lots of folks would be super glad to have you.
OK I'm still laughing about the fish sticks box. That is truly a great story!
Oh... Sorry I haven't written so long. I would say things are looking up, actually. I mean you guys have everything you need, and you DO look awesome. Seriously, there are just NO jobs out there right now. I don't know if you've heard this, but apparently they are starting to call it the "Great Recession." NYC has hit double digits in unemployment... I have friend with multiple grad. degrees (law, social work) and she cannot find work. It is not you! Please don't be so hard on yourself.
On a different note, maybe you can start something on your own. You have credentials and a great personality. You could start local running group, or a mothers' group where you provided instruction/counseling of some sort. I mean you do have credentials + experience. There has to be a service that you could provide that people would pay money for.
Check out this guy's blog: http://chrisguillebeau.com/
He has some great ideas for starting up your own business/thing/whatever.
It's worth a shot while the economy sucks.
Just a thought...
Rebecca
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