I don't really have too many friends. I was talking to Teddy about this last weekend and I was saying that I like to assume that the reason I don't have many friends is other people's fault...meaning that THEY don't like ME because I'm weird or whatever, but really I think it is time for me to own up to the fact that I am a weirdo and I'm not good at making friends. I was thinking about this as Teddy and I were at a fair in our local park and I was looking around and we were literally the ONLY family sitting off to the side by ourselves. Everyone one else was standing in groups and chatting while their kids played and Teddy and I choose to sit away from everyone and only talk to each other.
I think because I am so crappy at making friends I have tried to keep in touch with the few good friends I made in high school and college. A couple of them are married and have their own kids so it is easy to relate to them and we have a lot in common. One friend of mine I met because my parents were friends with his parents so we were sort of forced to be friends. We ended up becoming pretty close and actually were roommates for awhile in college. We had a falling out over some pretty stupid shit (bills, I didn't like his girlfriend, who was going to pay for the grow lamps for the special plants he had in the closet etc.) but after a year or so we made amends and kept in touch over the years. He still lives in Alabama and sometimes when I would go and visit my sister he would come hang out. We have been friends for almost 20 years so it made it even harder when I broke up with him via email yesterday.
My friend got married about three years ago and shortly after he got married his wife went batshit crazy. He came to find out that she was bi polar and had been taking medications while they were dating, but shortly after they got married she stopped taking her medications and started having a lot of symptoms. When she was in a manic phase she would leave for days at a time and my friend would have no idea where she went. Needless to say it was a very stressful time in his life and when I talked with him the conversation was always about him and his problems with his wife.
I tried to be very understanding and I took all my friends calls, even when I had an infant and PPD. After a year or so the calls started getting tiresome because they were always the same and filled with drama. This went on for several years and I am not exaggerating when I say EVERY time I talked to my friend it was 95% about him. His wife at one point moved out of his house and into one of his friend's houses that he also worked with, so there was drama ALL.THE.TIME.
About six months ago my friend called me to tell me that he and his wife were finally getting divorced. They had been separated for awhile and now they were going to make it official. I thought that maybe I would finally get a chance to actually talk during our conversations. Over the last couple of days my friend texted me and asked if I wanted to IM with him while we were both at work. I agreed and we chatted with each other on and off for a few days. I am tempted to copy and past the conversation here just so you can see it was ALL about him, about his new job and his new girlfriend...he went so far as to tell me I should ask him MORE questions about him and his new girlfriend so he could tell me more about them. In these conversations there was never any questions about our upcoming move, my son, or my husband's acceptance into the PhD program.
I thought about it over night and yesterday morning I sent my friend an email saying that I spend my day listening to other people's problems so when I invest in a friendship I expect it to be 50/50. I told him that I understood that he had been going through a lot, but I had too and I was tired of our friendship only being one sided, I said when he was ready to be a friend to me then I would be willing to talk about it. He never wrote back.
I have never actually broken up with a friend...I have had friends that we have grown apart and lost contact, but I have never said to someone "I don't want to be friends with you anymore." It was sad, but also sort of liberating.
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3 comments:
wow. i don't know that i've ever broken up w/ a friend either, though i've certainly drifted away from many. good for you though for sticking up for yourself. friendship IS about give and take and you can't always be the one doing the listening. maybe eventually he'll come to his senses.
Wow, I did NOT see that coming from your post. I literally GASPED, when I read what you did. I don't blame you one tiny bit...I am just so much more passive about that kind of stuff...I just quit responding.
And I want to IM at work.
Well, that sucks, and I am sorry, especially since you would have had the geography back in your favor in a few months.
I have broken up with one friend. And it sucks, but it is also liberating. Friendships won't always be 50/50- that's expected during times of stress- but they should overall feel like 50/50. Like your friend has your back, cares about you, keeps up with you, etc. It doesn't seem like he even cared 1% about what was going on with you and you have had a lot going on. Maybe with time he will realize how messed up his life is and want to surround himself with people that care about him, but that he also cares about (who are not crazy). It just is draining when you are doing all the work in a friendship and that exhaustion spills over into your life. Sorry it had to happen, but glad you made the decision to do it.
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