making friends

I have hated my body for almost all of my life. The only time I really remember NOT hating it is when I was pregnant with Steamboat. It was the first time in years that I felt proud of my belly and I loved my huge boobs and big stomach. I thought I looked really pretty.

I have almost always been fat. There have been a couple times in high school and college that I lost weight, but I didn't keep it off long and went back to bad habits very soon after. Today when I got on the scale I was officially 40 pounds less then when I started almost 9 months ago. I only lost .2 pounds last week, but I didn't feel discouraged, I felt motivated to do better.

I have recently been able to buy and wear comfortably MEDIUMS...I know to you that might not seem like a big deal, but I've almost always been LARGE or EXTRA LARGE and there have been times I didn't fit in the regular sizes in the regular stores. Medium is a big fucking deal.

I have started jogging and even though it hurts and sometimes I want to barf, I really like it. It makes me like my body to know it can move me around the track and it does what I want it to do. I like feeling like I'm going to die, and then pushing through and going a little farther. I like how my ass hurts and my lungs burn and my feet plop, plop, plop, on the pavement. I like how when I stop it seems the world is rushing at me like I just got off a moving sidewalk.

I like how I'm making friends with my body and since we are starting to be friends I want to treat it better.