Winners!

I haven't been writing much lately because I've been so stressed I think my posts would just end up sounding like this BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh. That is the sound of me having no words for the stress.

I am still job hunting, and the pickins are slim and my pets have chosen these last couple of weeks to have several hundreds of dollars worth of crisis, from flea infestations, to rashes, to UTIs to my dog having heart worms, to not having heart worms to maybe having heart worms again....It has been stressful to say the least.

BUT, but last night was the Halloween party in our town and my whole family dressed up and we won the costume contest for best group costume. If I haven't told you already I am a VERY competitive person and winning a costume contest that was made for CHILDREN made my day. I could have slam dunked a baby and went around to preschoolers yelling "in your face" I was so happy.

It was awesome that we had six adults in costume for one kid. We had Mr. and Mrs. Salt and Pepper, their baby Paprika, Mailbox, Steve, Magenta, and of course Blue! It was great and I highly recommend a good costume smack down to lift your spirits!

She's HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRREEEE

If you read my sister's blog you know my mom moved to the town that we live last Friday. If you have read my blog for any amount of time you know my mom is a complete wack a doodle. I really believe my mom has a personality disorder, which means she is really, really irritating.

Having worked in the mental health profession for the last 9 years or so I can tell you that any therapist, or counselor or whoever, hates working with personality disorders because they are typically difficult people to deal with and unlike someone who has say, has an anxiety disorder, they don't think there is anything wrong with them.

My mom really believes that the most mundane details of her life should be extremely interesting to you and she will take 30 minutes to tell you a detailed story about how, for example she went to Wal-Mart to buy an ironing board, AND she will tell the story over and over and over and over and over. I'm not sure if all the drinking she did affected her memory so maybe she forgot she told you the story the first elebenty billion times BUT even if you tell her you already heard the story she will continue to tell it to you, without leaving out any of the details.

I am really trying to give her a break because I know at this point she is trying to do the right thing, but damn the women makes me crazy. Teddy and I took her to the grocery store last weekend and I am STILL annoyed at what she bought. I know that a normal person could care less about what some other person chooses to buy at the grocery store but I have spent almost a week being annoyed. She had absolutely no food in her house and she bought a pack of generic white bread and a package of generic bologna. I know you are thinking "SO WHAT?", well I know, and you are right but it makes me crazy.

She will actually buy food to EAT from the dollar store. She refuses to eat anything that is even remotely healthy and she won't even try it (and it isn't like she does it because she is poor, she just bought a 32 inch LCD TV). I'm not really sure why this is the thing that I am focusing on right now, maybe because it is easier than focusing on the fact that she was a crap mother for the last 15 or so years. I think I also partially blame her for the fact that I was fat most of my life. I know she didn't put food in my face and make me eat it, but she bought the food and it was typically crap. Once I told my husband and his brother a story that I thought was sort of funny about how when I was in high school there was about a week period where the only things edible to eat in the house were a box of fat free saltines and a crate of oranges my dad bought from some boy scouts or something. They were more horrified than amused and I realized that wasn't really a normal thing to feed your kids.

Anyway, she is here now and I have to go to her house and help her move her furniture. I am just hoping I don't end up having a seizure from all the ugly ass shit she has in her house and that she thinks is nice, for example a glittery red lobster with Christmas lights on it and a Jeep shaped cake pan she hung on the wall. Wish me luck.

Three

The third year from Penny InExile on Vimeo.

My baby is three, granted he turned three in August, but it is just now hitting me. He is thisclose to being totally potty trained, he is smart, and funny, and manipulative, and wild. He has a sense of humor but HATES my knock knock jokes. He is stubborn and willful and very strongly dislikes tomato sauce. He is getting some bath toys after school today for not pooping in his pants all week (please don't let me jinx it, I'll be sadder than him if he doesn't get his prize) he says he is going to play baseball with the bigger boys when he gets older. He wants a bicycle for Christmas and he doesn't want us to hold him or carry him because he is too big. I'm thrilled he is turning into such a fun, wild little person, but I'm also a little heartbroken he isn't my baby.

The song is from Caspar Babypants (obvs it is originally a Beatles song).

bright spot

Our birthdays were on Saturday and we had a really good day. We got to hang out with family all day, we had three (3!) cakes, and we got some great gifts (a trip to the beach and a lawnmower!). My brother-in -law's friend made this cake and it was super cute and it tasted really good too (red velvet). All in all, probably the best birthday we've had in several years.

that's what she said

My favorite job listing today was this one:

Meat Cutter Last Updated: 10/14/2009 City: XXXXX, AL Basic Job Information: $9.40 - $10.00, Full-time Required Education: High School Diploma or Equivalent Required Experience: 0 Years 6 Months
Applicant will need minimum of 3-6 months experience. Need to know a variety of cuts of meat. This job deals mainly with Beef products

I'm not even qualified....at least for my other choice they would train me.


I have been in a horrible mood since Sunday. I had a crap day on Monday that involved my dad standing me up for breakfast, my Internet and phone being out most of the day, and Teddy getting a speeding ticket (which if you knew Teddy you would know this is a pretty big deal, I think it was his first). It has rained probably 60% of the time I have lived here, and my mood is really affected by the weather.

BAH, I have nothing positive to add and I am super grumpy. Anyone have a bill collector or an insurance agent they want me to call for them?

Invisible

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I was feeling very down and the word that kept coming to my mind was "invisible." I feel like I'm not important, like I'm not contributing to my family or to my community and it is making me feel worthless and depressed.

I know these feelings seem really extreme, but I can't help but feeling this way. I find it hard to have a conversation because I don't believe I have anything of value to add. I find myself being easily irritated and quick to get angry at Eli. It is really not my best showing.

It seems odd to even me that all these feelings are just because I don't have a job, but obviously they are always there, somewhere it is just that working keeps me occupied and I don't have to think of these things.

Honestly, it is also about the money. I wanted to buy my husband his own computer to use while he is getting his PhD, but I can't afford it right now. Eli has been asking us to take him to the beach and I want too, I really want too, but I just can't take a vacation without a job. Teddy wants a bicycle to ride to school, and again, I just can't afford it.

I have applied for jobs I'm qualified for, jobs I'm over qualified for, and jobs I'm probably under qualified for and...nothing. My self esteem is taking a hit and I don't feel like I'm having much fun lately. It will pass. I know it will, but I keep wondering if Christmas is going to roll and around and be pretty bleak because I still haven't found a job.

I just need to have some hope, and when I go jogging I try repeat that word to myself...hope... as some sort of mantra and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Yesterday it didn't.

But...BUT, yesterday wasn't ALL bad, when I was making Eli's super nutritions dinner of frozen fish sticks, I saw this:

That is my lost wedding band at the bottom of the fish sticks box.

unrelated

I forgot to tell you guys about how Teddy TOTALLY stole my thunder at MY reunion. We got to the reunion and there was two girls I went to high school with (Teddy did not go to high school anywhere near where I did) greeting everyone and handing out name tags at the door. They greeted me and I turned to introduce them to Teddy and they were like "OH MY GOD WE KNOW, IT IS [BAND NAME] AND [OTHER BAND NAME]" Then they proceeded to GUSH and hug him and talk about how he was FAMOUS. UGH. I love my husband more than anyone in the world but DUDE. DUDE. I was there looking HOT and he totally stole my stoplight. (oh and for the record he was only famous in the college town we lived, but there he was totally awesome. Free beer all the time...when you are 22 and broke that was the best)

The college town we live in has a shuttle bus that goes around and picks students up for class. The other day Teddy and I were out for a walk and we were walking past the bus stop and it totally stopped for US. I was very excited and felt young and pretty.

This just creeps me out.

That is a bird, in case you couldn't tell and he is eating EGGS for breakfast. That just seems wrong to me.

holding

My goal from now until January is to just NOT gain weight. These next couple of months are really hard for me food wise because I love the holidays (I'm totally counting Halloween as "the holidays" too) and I love all the food that comes with it. I love candy and pumpkin anything (minus those pumpkin shaped candy corn things-yuck!).

I have already made these pumpkin muffins, and these pumpkin brownies (I'm not sure why they are called brownies, it was more like cake to me) (I also made the brownies without the frosting and it was still really good). Teddy has a party we have to go to on Friday and I'm making the pumpkin brownies again, WITH the frosting and I'm definitely having some.

My dad is coming to visit this weekend and I'm sure we will go out to eat a couple of times, I will still make BETTER choices but eating out is always difficult. It is my birthday over the weekend and I want CAKE, real cake...not whole wheat healthy cake, but cake with fat and sugar and YUM.

I will keep up my running schedule and my Weight Watchers journaling even if I go over my allotted points. I have a race I want to actually do well in a month from now and I think after that I will have to decide on another "health" goal to keep myself going. I'm hoping that portion control, exercise, and journaling will keep me from putting on any pounds in the next couple of months.

How do you keep from gaining weight over the holidays?

Reunified

(this really isn't a great picture but atleast you can see the dress on, but you can't see my shoes, which were really the best part)

We went to my reunion over the weekend, and it was fun, but not FUN. A very good friend of mine from high school flew out from the mid west to attend and I was really excited to get to see her. When we got to the reunion she was already a little tipsy and an hour later she had to be carried out. I was embarrassed for her, and it was sad because it didn't seem like this was the first time that sort of thing had happened. It kinda put a damper on the whole evening.

It was really weird when we got up the next morning to just go get breakfast and not not have to try and entertain a 3 year old while eating. It was also very weird to lay in bed till 8:30 and have no real pressing reason to get up.

I really loved my dress and we have to go to a party at one of Teddy's professors this Friday so I think I'll wear it to that as well. This Saturday is also OUR birthdays (Teddy and I have the same birthday, but we are 10 years apart). We don't have any plans, except my plan of convincing someone to buy me a cake from Cold Stone and then eating it.

firsts

• I signed up for my first race. I am very excited. It is a 10K on November 7th. I was never really interested in running a race, but now since I don't have a job it is nice to have a goal.
• I am leaving Eli for the night for the first.time.ever. to go to my high school reunion this weekend. I have gone into his room every night for the last three years and checked on him, and made sure his covers were pulled up, and it will be weird to spend the night without him. It will be pretty nice for the first time in three years to NOT get up at 7 AM if I don't feel like it. It isn't that I don't think he'll be JUST FINE, better than fine actually, it is more that *I* won't be the one there doing the stuff, making his dinner, getting him ready for bed etc. He'll be with his aunt and uncle and they will have fun together and I doubt he'll even really miss us, but I'll miss him. (must remember to put out his insurance card and list of pre approved organic, sugar free snacks)
• I need to get measured for a bra. I never have been properly measured but after some trials and tribulations I settled into a 36 C for a very long time. Now, after having lost almost 60 lbs (whooo hooo) my boobs have gotten smaller and I'm guessing my...uhh...circumference(?) is smaller too. I have tried to get smaller sizes but I keep getting it wrong, but I'm still too embarrassed to get sized. I keep imagining some tiny teenage girl measuring me at Victoria's Secret and then texting to her BFF what a loser I am after I leave....any suggestions?