I love being Teddy's wife and Eli's mom...I really do, but it isn't enough for me. I really enjoy having a working self too. I have either been working, or in school since I was 16, and sometimes both, and I don't know what to do with myself with out having a job.
I haven't always loved the particular job I've had but I've always enjoyed having a place to go everyday, having my own office with my own pens, having work friends and special inside work jokes. I have always identified myself largely by having a job, and now that I don't have one I feel a little lost.
When I first graduated from college Teddy and I moved to south Alabama (even further south than where we are now)and I was jobless for six months. I became very depressed and VERY fat...the two tend to go hand in hand with me. If I am anxious, I can't eat, but if I am depressed ALL I want to do is eat and then I feel bad about myself for overeating and then I eat some more because I'm so depressed and who cares if I'm fat anyway?
This morning as I was running I was trying to tell myself that I need to continue my running schedule because right now I think it is one of the things keeping me from becoming depressed. I wake up in the morning and feel defeated thinking everyone I know has somewhere to be today (including my 3 year old) except me and I feel shitty and insignificant, but then I strap on my shoes and huff and puff up and down the hills and I feel better about myself and I think I can make it with out sinking into a funk.
I have been to two interviews for the same position (and I'm awaiting a call for a third interview for the same position...dear God) and I have another interview scheduled for September 1 with a different agency, but really I don't want any of those jobs. I have considered applying to The Gap and Target just to get something to keep me busy, but I really don't want to work weekends. I may go back to waiting tables just to get out of the house, but again usually those jobs include evenings and weekends which I'm not willing to do (yet).
I am really happy about our decision to move, Teddy and Eli are really thriving and seeing them so happy really makes me happy, but I need my own THING. Teddy tried to help the other night by reminding me that although we have had some rough times, generally things work out for us...and he is right, they do, but WHEN? I feel like I'm holding on by a thread and I don't know how much longer I can do this...weeks? months? I mean it is has only been two weeks since we moved and I'm already a little cagey.
Anyway, I'm just feeling sorry for myself today and venting. I've already applied for some jobs, dusted, painted and I'm about to go to the bank and pick up my kid, then I get to have dinner with the family (which really helps too) I needed something to fill the gap of time so I didn't start refinishing the floors....
About Me
- Penny
- I work. I have a toddler named Eli(born August 2006). I have a dog and two cats and one husband (Teddy). I like to write about mothering, marriage, crafting, and my general opinion on things. I used to have another blog, but I was too liberal with my personal information and got creeped out. I hope to have a permanent home here! I have been on a weight loss journey since May 2008 and I tend to write a lot about my struggles with that. My family just moved from NJ to AL and I'm currently working, but I'm still looking...
4 comments:
oh penny, this sooooo sounds like my posts from april when i got laid off. i was in the exact same place you are. i think it's great that you keep running though, i didn't have that. i don't exactly know what kept me from going insane, i did get a little depressed and do still slip into that some, but most days i claw my way out of that hole and move on. you are a strong person and i have no doubt you will come through this and everything will be much better. it might take longer than you want, lord knows i didn't think i'd be out of a job this long, but i have hope.
oxoxoxoxo
Hopefully one of those interviews will pan out. But, in the meantime...try to relax and give yourself a little break. Like you said, you've been working since you were sixteen, and there are many, many working years ahead of you. Maybe you can pick up a new fun hobby for a little while, as I have no doubt you'll be gainfully employed in no time.
I guess I wonder how many more days of being mom's bestie you can handle before you are willing to work anywhere, just so you can say, "MOM, I am at work, can't talk to you".
Been there too. I have worked since I was a teenager. In my twenties I pretty much always had 2 jobs. It makes me crazy not to work, mostly because I always have and if I am not working I am chicken little thinking the sky is falling. It's not. You need a thing until a work thing comes through. Maybe joining a gym or a run class could be a thing for now. Or a short-term volunteering gig? Or something you've always wanted to do but never had the time for? Before you know it you will be working and be busy...it's just getting through limbo that's hard.
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