She was a very good dog.

It wasn't good news. Think a good thought for our girl today, we are all very sad. xoxo

My dog, my partner

My poor elderly dog has started to have seizures, and it is terrifying me. She had one early Monday morning, and then again late last night. I was so upset after the one last night I asked my husband to take her to the Emergency Vet run by the Universities Vet School. That in itself was a complete waste because for our elderly dog they wanted to run THOUSANDS of dollars of tests including a chest X ray, CAT scan, and MRI. When my husband refused the treatment he felt like the staff was judging him and he returned home with our old dog and no answers.

My husband took our dog back to our regular vet today and he suggested some blood work to see if we could find an underlying cause of the seizures and told my husband he agreed that my elderly, anxious dog should not be subjected to a litany of tests. We both felt better believing we had someone on our side who would not judge us should we end up having to put our dog down. It is a horrible decision to have to make and the last thing you need is some douche student judging you because you won't pay for a dog neurologist (and maybe some of you would, and I respect that, I honestly can't afford it and at my dog's age it was a quality of life choice for us).

I am an anxious person anyway, and I don't deal well with pet illnesses because I get very emotional very quickly and I become so anxious about the situation I just can't deal with it. My husband stepped in and took care of everything even though the dog is MY dog from before we even met (she is 13). I just thought of how lucky I am to have such a fantastic partner when I was reading a love story earlier today. I thought of how sad and anxious I am to be put in the position to make a decision I don't want to make, but I thought of how grateful I am to have a person standing beside me and supporting me all along. A person who never wanted any pets but loves the ones he is now the step father to.

I just hope we don't have to make the choice.

He is just being 3

I think yesterday was one of my worst parenting days since my son was a tiny infant and I just cried all day. He was just...indescribable yesterday (although "turd" may have come up on facebook). He was wild, and mean, and hyper and just all over the place. He was throwing things at us, hitting us, and SCREAMING. It was just awful, and to top it all off we were stuck inside because of the horrible weather. We all went to bed last night feeling like shit, he probably felt worse after throwing himself into the bed in RAGE after we refused his bedtime story because he had thrown his bath toys at his dad and in doing so smacked his head into his headboard and gave himself a big knot and bruise. It was just the perfect end to the perfect storm of a day.

The other day my mom was over and Eli was doing something bratty and I was complaining to her about his behavior and she said "Oh he is just being 3" and I wanted to rip her arms off and beat her with them. I KNOW HE IS THREE. I know she was trying to be helpful and trying to let me know HE isn't bad, it is just a bad age, but I just can't stand those little cliches when I'm trying to vent. I don't know what I want to hear, but it isn't "he is just being three."

Teddy and I stayed up after Eli went to bed last night and we were talking about how ridiculous it is that a three year old can enrage us (and to make Teddy mad takes A LOT) and how I can lose my patience and yell like a child and how at the end of the night I am exhausted but mostly my feelings are hurt because dammit I revolve my ENTIRE LIFE around making you happy and then you spend the day treating me like shit? HOW DARE YOU? Oh, I know it is because he is just being three....

Why I have no friends.

I have long since concluded that I have no friends since I have a weird sense of humor and no one gets me. I like inappropriate humor and poking fun at people...but I like to poke fun at ALL people, not any specific race, gender, or religion...I discriminate equally.

Anyway, this weekend we were talking to my BIL about how we (the three of us, BIL, Teddy and myself) laugh at weird things and somehow in the conversation we started trying to come up with the ABSOLUTE WORST things you could try to market. My idea was porn for kids, Teddy said Jesus penis replicas and I can't even tell you what BIL said because it is just SO wrong (but we still all laughed). What are your terrible products?

company

So my argument with John was completely anti-climatic! I decided that you guys were right and I needed to take the high road, but I most definitely wanted to know what the deal was. I called John back and after telling him yes we have missed him, and yes they can stay at our house, I confronted him about not being in contact with us. You know what his answer was? DO YOU? When I asked him WHY he hadn't responded to our attempts to contact them in TWO years he said.........WAIT FOR IT.....he said "I don't know. I guess I didn't realize it had been that long."

I tried to argue...I tried to bait him, and I tried to tell him how much he had hurt our feelings, and I thought we were FRIENDS and NOTHING. He would barely even respond to me which made it a terrible argument. Teddy's family are HORRIBLE at confrontation. I'm serious, I'm not sure if you could meet people who were worse at it. They avoid it at all.costs. It makes me nuts, because I like a good healthy confrontation. I honestly don't mind arguing, I could go as far as to say I like it. I'm talking about arguing, where two people who each have a different side intelligently debate, not fighting which I think of as screaming and yelling.

So anyway, they will be here on Friday and what I actually wanted to tell you about is how nuts I am about company, and I'm wondering if it is normal. I remember when I was a kid one of the things I just hated was anytime my parents had a party every thing had to be PERFECT. Every mirror had to be cleaned, every blade of grass had to be manicured, every doo-dad in our house had to be run through the dishwasher and it made everyone crazy. Well guess what, I do the same thing now.

I have to have all the linens washed, the kitchen has to be spotless, the lawn is being mowed as I type, the bathrooms have to be scrubbed and every surface must be dusted. The dog even got a bath in preparation for company. I actually once told a friend of mine my sick secret. While I'm doing all of this cleaning and preparation I imagine my company *thinking* "wow, her house is so clean!" and it makes me feel so awesome. In my imagination they don't even say it out loud they just think it and I still feel so PROUD.

I know it is crazy. How do you deal with company?

unrelated, except the part that is.

Let me start by saying that I was honestly SHOCKED at your comments on my last post. I ALWAYS assumed that thin people walked around feeling FABULOUS about themselves and those of us that were/are overweight were the ones walking around with big FAT issues. I think it is so sad that a bunch of women that I have envied for some reason or another go around feeling self conscious about how you look. Of course I am the big fat pot calling the kettle black because I do the same thing, BUT it was really enlightening to me that skinny people have body issues too (really). What do we do about this, and how do we keep the next generation from feeling the same way?

Oh and something I wanted to add is that I NEVER ask Teddy to tell me if I'm fatter/thinner or better looking than another woman because I KNOW he will lie and tell me whatever I want to hear. I think if I asked him if he thought naked supermodels were hot he would say "not as hot as you." LIAR.

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Last night I was laying on the couch talking with Teddy and I was telling him that I have certain triggers in my brain that no matter where I am whenever I hear a certain word/phrase I ALWAYS think (and depending on the situation sometimes say out loud) the same thing.


For Example:

Someone says "here is the situation"
I think: My parents just went away for a weeks vacation, and they left the keys to the brand new Porsche, would they mind? mmm well of course not! (I could go on and on)

Someone says "stop"
I think: collaborate and listen, Ice is back with a brand new rendition. something grabs a hold of me tightly flow like a harpoon daily and nightly (again, I could go on and on). Teddy disagreed and said if he hears "stop" he thinks "hammer time"

Someone says "who are you going to call?"
I think : Ghostbusters!

Someone says anything about anything being "hard"
I think: That's what she said!

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Teddy and I used to be very good friends with Teddy's middle brother (we shall call him John). Teddy and I even lived with John for several years while we were dating/married and I was actually friends with John before I met Teddy. John got himself mixed up in some DRAMA when he started dating Teddy's other brother's (we shall call him Paul) friend's wife. Got it? So Paul has a friend who is married, and then John comes along and starts dating Paul's friend's wife. Eventually the wife (we shall call her Yoko) gets divorced and marries John. Now John and Yoko have one kid together and one on the way.

Teddy and I tried to remain Switzerland on the whole thing and never took sides, because I think the whole thing is fucked up and I don't think anyone was totally right or totally wrong in the situation. We continued to be friends and then we went to visit them in April of 2008, after that we have not heard ONE PEEP from them in almost two years. We don't have any clue as to why and we have sent packages for our niece, mailed cards, sent emails, and left voice mails, and NOTHING.

Over the Holidays Teddy's parents mentioned that John and Yoko wanted to come visit over MLK Holiday. We thought nothing of it and assumed they were just humoring Teddy's parents. WELL, last night we get a message from John saying " Hey it's John. We want to know if we can come over the weekend before Martin Luther King Day. Call me back....well maybe not tonight, call me tomorrow during the day." Ummm what now? No mention of the fact he hasn't talked to us in almost TWO YEARS. What the fucking fuck?

I sort of want to TOTALLY ignore the call and stir up some DRAMA because Teddy's parents would be pissed (because they want to come too and have a big family reunion), but I told Teddy I want to take the high road and call back and just ask WHAT THE FUCK? What would you do?

bikini or bust

My resolution of wearing a bikini for my 10 year anniversary has really helped me get back onto the health wagon! I would say since October I haven't been really committed to eating well, although I have continued to run. I started this journey in May 2008 when one day at work I got on the scale and I weighted 191 (I'm 5'2"). That was the same weight I was when I was 9 months pregnant with my son.

One of the things that still surprises me is I still feel fat. I know my BMI is now in the "normal" category and I don't think anyone would say a size 6 is fat, but I feel fat. When I go jogging I wonder if people in cars passing me think nasty thoughts about how I should probably run faster, or if they poke fun at me for being a chubby girl running (although at 7AM this morning I wouldn't have blamed them because I was wearing purple running tights, light purple shorts, a bright blue jacket and rainbow leg warmers...it was COLD).

I have never in my life worn a bikini and my new goal is really something I'm looking forward to attaining. I think I need to lose a bit more weight, but I definitely need to start working on toning. I think a lifetime of being overweight and a 9.2 lb baby has lead to a mushy stomach. I'm really feeling happy and motivated to have a new goal, and I started 2010 with a 10 mile run so I think I'm on my way to that bikini. I have told myself that getting into that bikini should be the last of "feeling fat" or always assuming I'm the fat girl in the room (Do you guys do that? Do you look around to see if you are the fattest girl in the room? I know it is not healthy but I was the fattest girl in the room a lot of times. Maybe this is a phenomenon of only overweight people).

I'm looking forward to working on my resolutions throughout the year, and I hope to keep you guys updated on my progress. Next up, digging out my yarn and seeing if I remember how to knit.