too much?

I graduated from high school 15 years ago (yikes!), this weekend is our first reunion. When I graduated I was a sad, chubby girl (size 10) whose boyfriend of 2 years just inexplicably broke up with her. I had no plans to go to college and I was really confused about what I was going to do.

Now I'm a sad 32 year-old with an amazing husband and the world's cutest kid. I have no job so I'm embarrassed about that, but I plan on dazzling them with my new body and my super cute shoes, but I'm afraid they may be a bit too stripper, but maybe I don't care.


I took the shoes outside to take their picture because I wanted you to see that they are a deep purple color, not black.
This dress definitely looks much cuter than this on, it reminds me a little of MadMen so I think it is sexy.

This was almost my favorite part of the dress. I originally tried on a size 8, but it was too big. HOLY SHIT. I came out of the dressing room and loudly said "this is too big, Teddy will you please go get me a size 6." I was so excited. The dressing room attendant and her boyfriend seemed unimpressed.

I really wanted to get a dress from Anthropologie, but I just felt too guilty about the money, so I ended up getting this dress from Target and the shoes from Kohls. I am happy with them, and I think they are going to look pretty good, although the shoes may be a bit too much...

SPOILER ALERT: I didn't die

Oh my GAWD Y'all, I thought I was going to die Saturday night. I can just now talk about it without feeling all queasy and anxious. I'm about to go into TMI so if you don't like body fluids go ahead and check out now. I would suggest some pictures of kittens.

Anyway, my stomach had been a little off for a couple of days and really I didn't think much of it, sometimes that happens to me before I get my period. I honestly hadn't been making the best food choices and I was over indulging so I figured that had something to do with it also. Saturday we had a great day and hung out with my sister and Mr. P and then went to my holy land (Target) and then got to see and hang out with some old friends. It really was a great day and Teddy volunteered to go get us some greasy southern food that he loves, and I was in such a good mood I agreed.

I ate some grilled chicken...but then I had fried green tomatoes, fried okra, a piece of cornbread and Eli's left over macaroni and cheese. It was so delicious. Oh man, and then around 10:30 that night the dying started. I had stomach cramps so bad they honestly felt worse then when I was in labor. They would start, hit an awful peak and then start to subside, I could feel the pain from my head to my toes...I was starting to Lamaze breath and when I could get off the toilet I walked the halls just like I did when I was in labor. It went on ALL.NIGHT. Never in my life have I had something like that, I can not type big enough how PAINFUL it was. It finally subsided around 7:30 Sunday morning, but now I'm afraid to eat and have been sticking to pretty bland stuff for the last few days.

I have now consulted with Dr. Google and diagnosed myself with IBS. I think I need to start a foundation or maybe have a fund raiser for myself. It is almost as good as having Restless Leg Syndrome. The really crappy thing is I get so anxious about any sort of stomach issue I automatically make it 10 times worse by freaking out. Sometimes it is super fun to be me.

help me and maybe I'll stop telling you what I do every day.

I know you are just DYING to know what I did today...well, OK I'll tell you. First I painted my bathroom. It is very hard to make a pink bathroom with a blue toilet look good, but I think it at least looks better.



The picture above is from when the previous tenants were still living in the house.
Then I did my daily Internet search for jobs. I didn't really find much of anything, but I did mention the following opening to Teddy and he said he didn't think he would let me take that job. Now I sort of want to apply.

Working with patients who require foot care, trimming nails and corns and callouses, some paper work is required. Some experience preferred but will train. Will work Monday-Friday from 8 AM to 5 PM.

At my old job my office was located in the back, and in order to get there I had to walk through the Would Care Center. Most of the patients were diabetes patients with bad feet. When I say bad feet I mean BAD. One time I was walking by and the nurse was cleaning a wound and she had the door opened and this poor man's foot looked like a piece of pizza that someone was holding upside down and all the cheese and sauce was sliding off. It was really gross, and there is a smell. Anyway, at that point I realized I NEVER want to work with feet, so I guess I won't apply for the job even though I want too since I feel like now I've been challenged.

There is one job open that I would really like to get, I need to submit a resume and cover letter tomorrow. I think my resume is pretty good, but my cover letter could still use some work. Does anyone have some great cover letter tips or suggestions? The only one's I've gotten so far is to try and address the letter to an individual and don't start with "I." Anyone got anything else?

The last thing I did (before I wrote this post) is make some chocolate cherry oatmeal cookies. They are really good and I was able to freeze half the batter for some other time. (The recipe for the pumpkin loaf I made the other day is here).

I have been in a better mood today, because I am so happy my stories are coming back on tonight. Mainly The Office, we LOVE that show and I'm so excited it is coming back on! We have also become addicted to Glee, (we are officially Gleeks). Have you seen it?

I'm freaking Martha Stewart*

*Edited to add photographic evidence of today's awesomeness.

One of the things I remember most vividly from the last time I was jobless (Aug 2000-Jan 2001) was how much NOTHING I did. Well, of course except smoke, and eat and get really fat and depressed. I think this time I am so determined to NOT go into a depression that maybe I'm over doing it. I told Teddy this morning that sometimes I just feel so insignificant but running and completing tasks makes me feel better.

It is almost 5 PM here Central Time ( I really dislike Central Time mostly because of the TV schedules, I can't seem to get used to prime time coming on at 7 PM) and here are the things I've done so far:

• jogged 5.5 miles


• primed the doors and closet doors in my room and Eli's room ( and when Eli got home he promptly asked me to put them back to brown. sigh.) (6 doors total)


• showered (this is something worth putting on the list to me because I don't really like to shower, I don't know why)


• went and had a pedicure ( this seemed sort of indulgent, but since jogging is really the only thing left I have to do I like keeping my feet in good shape)


• went grocery shopping


• made Pumpkin Bread from scratch for Eli and Teddy (they LOVE the Starbucks Pumpkin Loaf so I tried to make them a healthy (er) version. It is good but it isn't so moist and delicious like the Starbucks version
  
• cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes


• picked up Eli from daycare, picked up Teddy from work
  
• ate shitload of HEALTHY pumpkin bread.
  

Before you know it I will be decoupaging things and organizing my spices alphabetically. It is a good thing.

confessions

• I lost my wedding band. This is making me very, very grumpy. I HATE losing things and it makes me feel irresponsible to lose something. I am very judgey when other people lose things and think that "if they were more organized ..." etc, they wouldn't lose things. I put it on before I went to pick up Eli from daycare on Friday and that evening I noticed it was gone. It was too big since I have lost weight and I think it just slipped off.
• I have been smoking. No more than one cigarette a day, and not every day, but still it is a slippery slope and I have to knock it off. I have been using cigarettes to get through the monotony of my day, I think "oh I"ll just go out back and have a cigarette on the swing" and then I always feel like crap afterwards.
• I have been indulging in too much "retail therapy." Buying things makes me happy, it always does. I have been buying stuff for our house that I really shouldn't be until I have a job, but this weekend I bought curtains for our bedroom (at Target) and honestly they do make me feel better, but I still feel bad about spending the money. I have bought all of us clothes at Old Navy, I bought Eli pajamas from Kohls and I bought entirely too much stuff at Target for our house.
• I've been cheating at Weight Watchers. I have no idea why I do this, because the ONLY one who sees my WW food journal is me, but for instance if I have a peanut butter sandwich I will put "1 tablespoon of peanut butter" when I'm SURE I used way more than that. I have no idea why I do this, and it really serves no purpose...but I'm sure it explains why I'm not currently losing any weight.

Ahhh I feel better now that I've confessed. Do you have any?

How I remember it.

The phone kept ringing and I was getting really annoyed, it was early and I wanted to sleep. I finally got up and answered because the person on the other line kept hanging up and calling back. It was my sister, I don't remember what exactly she said but she told me to turn on the TV.

I stumbled over the boxes still left over from our recent move and I turned the TV on. On every channel was the World Trade Center burning because a plane had just flown into it. I asked her what happened, she didn't know. While we watched the second plane flew into the second tower, I panicked...I thought we were being bombed and our new location approximately 5 miles from the World Trade Center wasn't going to fare well for us.

I told her I had to go, I needed to find my husband, he was on his way to his second week of work in Manhattan and he was on the NYC subway. What if he went through the World Trade Center that morning? I started banging on my Brother in Law's door, I told him to get up, we were being bombed. He came out and we watched the TV together. I tried and tried to call Teddy but the phone lines were too busy. We didn't have cell phones at the time, I didn't know where he was and I was scared.

Our friend who had lived down the street from us in Alabama, now by a weird coincidence lived down the street from us in NJ. Her boyfriend had gotten up that morning and gone to work in Manhattan too, she was scared and wanted to come over. She came over and I chain smoked cigarettes, we walked down to the park close to our house that over looked Manhattan. We couldn't see much because there was too much smoke, and then there was more smoke and the smell....it was a smell like gasoline and burnt plastic. The towers had fallen.

My sister was able to finally get Teddy on the phone, what in my memory seems like hours later. I cried with relief. I wanted him home, I wanted to be home, back in Alabama where things were safe and no one tried to kill you with an airplane. We waited for hours, me sitting in my bay window peering out to see if I could see Teddy. One of the big wigs from his job was going around picking up people who lived in NJ and taking them all home, they came over the GWB and I think he was home by maybe 9 PM that night. I was relieved he was home and so ANGRY that he was expected to go back to work the next day.

I was scared for a long time after that, I remember a year later when the blackout happened I started having a panic attack because I just knew someone was bombing us. I was very afraid for a long time of being attacked, and I was very nervous about riding the subway. After a few years the constant worry subsided and we felt proud for staying and sticking it out. We belonged to a group of people that told our stories every year. We started to love where we lived, and we swore we would never leave.

That is how I remember it.

I could be a great housewife...

If I didn't hate it so much. AND I need to clear up something that I feel sort of guilty about... Eli is in daycare during the day so I'm here all day by myself. I know. I know. That really doesn't seem too awful, but I'm not a good at home by myself kind of person, I can't relax and I just end up doing dumb chores all day. Here is the things I've already done today:

1. jogged 5 miles
2. painted trim in my bathroom (I say MY bathroom because I have banned Eli and Teddy from it. This is the first time in..uh....hmmm maybe since I was in high school that I don't have to share a bathroom and it is HEAVEN)
3. cleaned dog poop out of the yard
4. laundry
5. dishes
6. swept and swiffered both bathroom floors
7. vacuumed
8. cleaned kitchen counter tops

If it wasn't for the pesky fact of needing to make money to keep Eli in daycare and needing to make money for my sanity, I would make a terrific housewife. Oh and I'm showered and dressed...Not like in a dress and heels or anything, but I count taking a shower as a WIN.

blah

We had a really great weekend, and Teddy and I both said that this weekend made us think that moving here was totally worth it. We had a BBQ and my sister and her family attended as well as Teddy's brother and Sister in Law. It was really great. The 5,000 calories I ate in Salt and Vinegar chips were worth it too.

In spite of the great weekend I'm still feeling blah today. It is the same story, that with out working I really feel sort of useless and losery, which is sad that so much of my identity is wrapped up into having a job, but there it is. I'm trying to cheer myself up, so let me share with you some bullets of goodness.

• I got two DVD's of thirtysomething in the mail today. I love watching TV on DVD. I just got done watching season 3 of Dexter and Teddy and I loved it.
• Small. I ordered a small shirt from Old Navy and I got it today AND it fits. I know that small at Old Navy is probably the same as Medium anywhere else, BUT I was wearing an XL from Old Navy and to own a clothing item that says SMALL AND FITS is totally rocking my world.
• My 15 year high school reunion is in less than a month and I must find something fabulous to wear. I'm thinking of splurging and getting something from Anthropologie, but it does sort of make me feel guilty since I have NO INCOME.

That's all I got for now. I've been a sucky blogger and a sucky commenter...I must get out of my funk.

grass, not always greener.

Over the weekend we went to the wedding reception of an old friend of ours. It was weird because we saw a lot of friends we haven't seen in 10 years, and what made it weirder is because we couldn't think of anything to say to each other. You would think after 10 years you could think of one interesting thing to say, but nope, I couldn't.

It seemed to me like time stood still here when Teddy and I left and we came back and were plopped back right down in the middle of things. We had a nice time, but it doesn't seem like our friends are really our friends anymore, you know?

One of the people we ran into and talked to for a long time was a good friend of Teddy's. We were so happy to see him because we felt like there was finally someone there we had something in common with. They have been friends for 20 years and they played in several bands together. He and his wife had a baby the month after Teddy and I had Eli. We keep in touch with them via facebook and Holiday cards and we knew their daughter had some medical issues when she was born, mostly with her eyes, but really, we had no idea.

To back up a bit, let me say the previous week I was a total downer. I was depressed I wasn't working and I was feeling sorry for myself on several levels. Eli has been very difficult lately, I'm assuming the way most 3 years olds can be, but I was sure he was the only child who had ever been so difficult, and I was the only mother who just could.not.stand to hear him ask "mommy, what's that?" one more time. I was losing my patience frequently and asking Teddy if there was "something wrong" with Eli because he is just so... just so.... just so... MUCH.

Anyway, we stood there talking to our friend and when I start asking about his daughter he looks at me quizzically and says "you don't know?" and I say "what?" to which he goes into a long explanation about how their daughter has a brain abnormality and will never be "normal." He told us the story of visiting with the neurologist who very matter-of-factly went down a list of their daughter's problems including "severely MR" to which our friend responded "WAIT, what is MR?" and the doctor stopped and asked our friend "did no one tell you this before?" He went on to tell them to never expect her to graduate high school, and that she would be living with them for the rest of their lives. It was such a shocking story to me, and yet our friend told it the same way he told us the story about his cousin and the karaoke machine.

I don't mean it to sound like he didn't care, it wasn't like that at all, it was more that he was just dealing with it and it was just a part of his life now. It was so amazing to me because I told Teddy I don't think I could ever tell the story and not cry, I don't think *I* could ever be "normal" again. I have thought of our friends and their daughter every day since Saturday and I wonder how I could ever feel sorry for myself, how can I feel annoyed at my "normal" kid.

I'm sure I'm still going to feel sorry for myself, and I'm SURE I'm still going to be annoyed at my kid, but I have some perspective. I know that really it isn't that bad, and in taking a cue from my friends that even when it *IS* that bad, you just have to deal with it and move on.

My HGTV mentors would not approve.

I love "before and after" pictures, so that is my treat to you today, some before and after of my living room/dining room and to repay me for all the fun you had looking at the pictures I need some advice!

Here is the "before" of the living room looking toward the dining room section. That is my kid watching DVDs while I tried to clean the floors.

This is the "before" looking toward the TV watching/living room area. If you look closely in the background you can see in the front entryway there is a built in telephone holder thing. Old school.

Here is the "after" towards the dining room. Notice my Flor tiles I bought with my weight loss winnings, I think they look great! What do you think about the door behind the table, should I paint it white? I think it would look better white but I'm afraid the landlords might get mad. What about window treatments? I took down all the mini blinds because I'm not a fan, but now I think it needs something...

Here is another picture. My end table lamps don't match, can that be sort of funky cool, or should I buy some matching ones? What about the ugly hanging lamp, would you bother replacing it in a rental?

OK, the TV wires. They look awful and tacky but I'm not sure how to fix it. Ideas? I considered painting them them same color as the walls, but I dunno.

You would think with the amount of HOURS I spend watching HGTV I would have answers to all these questions, but I have no clue and I need your help!