My life is honestly, very good but I have a few annoyances just like everyone else. I don't like my job and I wish I had more money are on the top of my list, but I'm sure I could find a lot of other people who feel the same way. I have a fantastic husband, really probably a 9 out of 10 ( he really only gets points off for being a loud chewer, a loud sneezer, an occasional snorer and sometimes he gets mad at inanimate objects, but really total winner on ALL other aspects). I also have a very cute and very smart kid which I am totally grateful for. I guess I think because I have these two things I really shouldn't complain, but I'm going to anyway.
My other main annoyance in my life is my parents. I mean what the hell? What did I do to deserve these idiots? My recent annoyance is that I am getting calls EVERYDAY from bill collectors for MY DAD. This might be a sad story if it wasn't for the fact my dad has plenty of money to pay his bills, he is just too lazy and unorganized to do so. I haven't talked to my dad in weeks...maybe a month or two, because now that I have a kid I am too lame to bother talking to. He likes to drink beer, talk about himself, and ride motorcycles and if you don't want to do these things he has no interest in you, this includes his children.
I have not even told my father that we rented a house in Alabama, because I'm fairly certain he won't really care. I called my mother last weekend to tell her about the house and she answered the phone and immediately started talking about herself and the weather (her two favorite topics) and then said she had to go. What the fucking fuck, I hadn't even talked yet. I don't know anyone else that I could call who would not even bother to ask "oh yeah, you called me, did you want to tell me something?" I am very happy that she isn't drinking RIGHT NOW but really that is about it, it is sad when the best thing you can think of to say about your mom is "well, she isn't drunk this second" (but again I am grateful for that tiny thing).
I am sometimes convinced that the reason I lucked out with a really fantastic husband is because the universe felt sorry for me because of the parents I have. I know it could be worse, really I get that, I see it everyday, but I also know it could be better if those bastards would put any effort into giving a shit about their children, but who can be bothered when there are awesome things like weather and motorcycles to talk about.
I have some other totally unrelated things to talk about:
1. Have you heard that new song If U seek Amy by Britney Spears? I know people are very busy being offended and horrified by it, but honestly I could not care less AND I actually like the song.
2. I have a GYN appointment tomorrow. Do you guys shave your legs for your GYN doctor? I always do, and then wondered if this was weird. (Did we talk about this already?)
3. I only lost .5 pounds last week...there might have been pouting that included giant burritos (but in my defensive they were only beans and rice and who the fuck knew that would be 1000 calories?) and baked goods....
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Why bother?
Last night I was clicking around on the Internet and ran into a couple of things that really depressed me, and let me preface this with saying that I was in a bit of a mood last night anyway. I think with weight loss it is normal to go through phases of feeling very motivated, and then feeling not so motivated. Last night was a not so motivated night. I had eaten dinner, and I had my nightly ice cream, and I was still hungry....well that probably isn't true, I wasn't actually hungry, but I WANTED to eat. I was going through my normal blog reading routine when I ran into something that really just pissed me off.
I often read the new Bodies in Motivation site started by Linda of All & Sundry. I really like the site and find the blogs, and the tips to be helpful and motivating. One of the blogs I read last night linked to the site Shapely Prose. In theory I like the idea of the blog being, from what little I know about it, fat acceptance. BUT the thing that was really bugging me is there is several articles that the gist seems to be don't bother dieting or trying to incorporate a lifestyle change because you are just going to get fat again.
I started getting really angry and frustrated while looking through the blog. I was wondering why I am even bothering to lose weight if it is inevitable that I am going to gain it all back. I was thinking about my new diet/fitness routine and wondering if I would be able to keep it up for the REST OF MY LIFE. The site tends to suggest I can not. I really wanted to go and eat all the Girl Scout cookie ice cream in the freezer and wash it down with a bag of pretzels and maybe a cookie. I was really angry that the website even existed, it seemed to be a big (fat) excuse to not even try to get healthy, although they claim it is dedicated to being healthy at any size. I was getting defensive like the whole site was invented just to say "Why bother Penny, you will always be a fatass!" I don't know, I was feeling emotional and a little snippy at the time so maybe it deserves a reread in the light of day...
I still do not know what the answer is, but I am proud that I stayed on my plan and did not binge last night like I wanted to. I have eaten a good breakfast this morning, and plan on going for a jog tonight, but I still wonder if it is all pointless and I'm just going to end up fatter?
I often read the new Bodies in Motivation site started by Linda of All & Sundry. I really like the site and find the blogs, and the tips to be helpful and motivating. One of the blogs I read last night linked to the site Shapely Prose. In theory I like the idea of the blog being, from what little I know about it, fat acceptance. BUT the thing that was really bugging me is there is several articles that the gist seems to be don't bother dieting or trying to incorporate a lifestyle change because you are just going to get fat again.
I started getting really angry and frustrated while looking through the blog. I was wondering why I am even bothering to lose weight if it is inevitable that I am going to gain it all back. I was thinking about my new diet/fitness routine and wondering if I would be able to keep it up for the REST OF MY LIFE. The site tends to suggest I can not. I really wanted to go and eat all the Girl Scout cookie ice cream in the freezer and wash it down with a bag of pretzels and maybe a cookie. I was really angry that the website even existed, it seemed to be a big (fat) excuse to not even try to get healthy, although they claim it is dedicated to being healthy at any size. I was getting defensive like the whole site was invented just to say "Why bother Penny, you will always be a fatass!" I don't know, I was feeling emotional and a little snippy at the time so maybe it deserves a reread in the light of day...
I still do not know what the answer is, but I am proud that I stayed on my plan and did not binge last night like I wanted to. I have eaten a good breakfast this morning, and plan on going for a jog tonight, but I still wonder if it is all pointless and I'm just going to end up fatter?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
100 Things (Updated)
I started blogging a little over a year ago. I lost my old blog because I got freaked out when an anonymous commenter seemed to know a little too much about me. I can't believe it has already been a year, but I thought to commemorate I would update my 100 things about me that I wrote for my original blog. I think it will be fun to roll it out every year and see what has changed.
1. I have very curly hair.
2. It is reddish.
3. I was married Aug. 19 2000
4. I kept my last name when I got married
5. My sons first name is my husbands last name. We are crazy like that.
6. I love cheese
7. and bread
8. I love Lost and Friday Night Lights
9. I call my baby by a very unique nickname, I think it will be safe to say no other kid will have the same nickname.
10. So does most everyone that knows him
11. My son is in daycare and I'm OK with that
12. I have a dog, her name is Siela. Pronounced to rhyme with DIE LA
13. I have two cats. Ramona and Niles
14. I used to live in Alabama
15. I went to Auburn University
16. I started in 1994 and graduated in 2000.
17. My husband used to be in several bands
18. I now live in New Jersey
19. We are considering moving back to Alabama for my husband to get his PhD. (Update: We are moving back to Alabama, we signed a lease for 8/13/09)
20. I have a MA in Counseling
21. I used to be in the marching band in high school. I played the saxophone.
22. I love dance songs
23. I like beer. Cheap beer is fine.
24. I can name all 50 states in Alphabetical order.
25. Iprobably could not find them all on a map
25.5 I had to Google html code to find out how to strike through
26. I love to take pictures
27. I have a lot of issues with anxiety
28. I work full time
29. I like working.
30. I love to eat
31. I'm constantly struggling with my weight. (Update: I have currently lost 42 pounds with a combination of Weight Watchers and working out)
32. I like to clean
33. I hate to do laundry
34. I haven't had a washer or dryer for 7 years
35. I haven't owned a car for 7 years
36. I hate to be hot
37. I'm very anxious about possibly moving back to Alabama (Update: still anxious)
38. I hate lots of stuff
39. I like to gossip
40. I make myself feel better by talking about other people
41. I have gone to therapy twice.
42. I'm not sure it worked
43. I hate television aimed at infants
44. I try very hard to be a "good" parent
45. I'm not always sure what a "good" parent should be
46. I had Postpartum Depression. It was awful.
47. I did not feel an overwhelming love for my baby when he was born, it took several months to feel that way.
48. I had Postpartum Depression. It was bad enough to write it twice.
49. I'm scared to have another baby because it might happen again
50. I love to read
51. I'm pretty good at Super Mario Brothers
52. I don't like to watch movies
53. I have a sister
54. I do not have any living grandparents
55. I'm 5 feet 2 inches tall
56. I used to say that I really liked punk rock
57. not so much any more
58. I really love Journey
59. I have a Myspace page (Update: I have abandoned Myspace for Facebook)
60. I love to buy clothes for my baby
61. I spend a lot of time wondering what life would be like if I wasn't so anxious
62. It makes me sad to think I'll never know
63. I still balance my checkbook.
64. I love to read blogs
65. I havenever left a comment. I did it, I left a comment. Now I'm all nervous and dorky feeling, like what if they don't like me and want to be my friend.
66. I live in a third floor walk up
67. I really like candy
68. I LOVE presents
69. tee hee. I laugh at stuff like "69"
70. I like porn
71. I do not go to church
72. I am not a fan of most organized religions
73. I try to be open minded, but I'm not always good at it
74. I'm really craving a bagel with cream cheese (Update: I don't remember the last time I ate a bagel with cream cheese...)
75. I live one block from Dunkin Donuts
76. I find Rachel Ray to be extremely annoying
77. I don't have any tattoos
78. I had my belly button pierced in college
79. I love coffee
80. I like to watch documentaries
81. I work with people with HIV/AIDS
82. I have a weird sense of humor.
83. I think the word "retarded" is funny
84. I like to make up words
85. I say noonies instead of testicles
86. My husband has a blog.
87. He writes about children's music
88. My sister and my niece also have blogs
89. that is why I started this blog
90. I started this blog as a way to help me sort through some of my anxiety
91. I anxious about whether any one will read it
92. My mom is an alcoholic
93. My dad probably is too, he just functions better
94. I would like to learn how to knit (Update: I just finished my last knitting class, I can knit!)
95. Specifically to make my baby a hat that looks like a candy corn
96. I really like board games
97. I am very competitive
98. I LOVE holidays. All of them.
99. I hate IM speak and smiley faces
100. I was in labor for 32 hours then had a C section.
1. I have very curly hair.
2. It is reddish.
3. I was married Aug. 19 2000
4. I kept my last name when I got married
5. My sons first name is my husbands last name. We are crazy like that.
6. I love cheese
7. and bread
8. I love Lost and Friday Night Lights
9. I call my baby by a very unique nickname, I think it will be safe to say no other kid will have the same nickname.
10. So does most everyone that knows him
11. My son is in daycare and I'm OK with that
12. I have a dog, her name is Siela. Pronounced to rhyme with DIE LA
13. I have two cats. Ramona and Niles
14. I used to live in Alabama
15. I went to Auburn University
16. I started in 1994 and graduated in 2000.
17. My husband used to be in several bands
18. I now live in New Jersey
19. We are considering moving back to Alabama for my husband to get his PhD. (Update: We are moving back to Alabama, we signed a lease for 8/13/09)
20. I have a MA in Counseling
21. I used to be in the marching band in high school. I played the saxophone.
22. I love dance songs
23. I like beer. Cheap beer is fine.
24. I can name all 50 states in Alphabetical order.
25. I
25.5 I had to Google html code to find out how to strike through
26. I love to take pictures
27. I have a lot of issues with anxiety
28. I work full time
29. I like working.
30. I love to eat
31. I'm constantly struggling with my weight. (Update: I have currently lost 42 pounds with a combination of Weight Watchers and working out)
32. I like to clean
33. I hate to do laundry
34. I haven't had a washer or dryer for 7 years
35. I haven't owned a car for 7 years
36. I hate to be hot
37. I'm very anxious about possibly moving back to Alabama (Update: still anxious)
38. I hate lots of stuff
39. I like to gossip
40. I make myself feel better by talking about other people
41. I have gone to therapy twice.
42. I'm not sure it worked
43. I hate television aimed at infants
44. I try very hard to be a "good" parent
45. I'm not always sure what a "good" parent should be
46. I had Postpartum Depression. It was awful.
47. I did not feel an overwhelming love for my baby when he was born, it took several months to feel that way.
48. I had Postpartum Depression. It was bad enough to write it twice.
49. I'm scared to have another baby because it might happen again
50. I love to read
51. I'm pretty good at Super Mario Brothers
52. I don't like to watch movies
53. I have a sister
54. I do not have any living grandparents
55. I'm 5 feet 2 inches tall
56. I used to say that I really liked punk rock
57. not so much any more
58. I really love Journey
59. I have a Myspace page (Update: I have abandoned Myspace for Facebook)
60. I love to buy clothes for my baby
61. I spend a lot of time wondering what life would be like if I wasn't so anxious
62. It makes me sad to think I'll never know
63. I still balance my checkbook.
64. I love to read blogs
65. I have
66. I live in a third floor walk up
67. I really like candy
68. I LOVE presents
69. tee hee. I laugh at stuff like "69"
70. I like porn
71. I do not go to church
72. I am not a fan of most organized religions
73. I try to be open minded, but I'm not always good at it
74. I'm really craving a bagel with cream cheese (Update: I don't remember the last time I ate a bagel with cream cheese...)
75. I live one block from Dunkin Donuts
76. I find Rachel Ray to be extremely annoying
77. I don't have any tattoos
78. I had my belly button pierced in college
79. I love coffee
80. I like to watch documentaries
81. I work with people with HIV/AIDS
82. I have a weird sense of humor.
83. I think the word "retarded" is funny
84. I like to make up words
85. I say noonies instead of testicles
86. My husband has a blog.
87. He writes about children's music
88. My sister and my niece also have blogs
89. that is why I started this blog
90. I started this blog as a way to help me sort through some of my anxiety
91. I anxious about whether any one will read it
92. My mom is an alcoholic
93. My dad probably is too, he just functions better
94. I would like to learn how to knit (Update: I just finished my last knitting class, I can knit!)
95. Specifically to make my baby a hat that looks like a candy corn
96. I really like board games
97. I am very competitive
98. I LOVE holidays. All of them.
99. I hate IM speak and smiley faces
100. I was in labor for 32 hours then had a C section.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Copy iCat
I totally copied my sister and Bea and if you look over there----> and down I added my own Nike + girl. I have to admit, I love it. A couple of weeks ago I bought a pedometer and it was clunky and awkward to look at while I was running. This is great and I love how the sexy lady comes on and tells me how long I have left, that in itself was worth the 30$.
I just got it today and wanted to go ahead and see what it was all about, so I used it with out calibrating it. I really do not think I ran 3 miles, but I figure they are set to much taller people. The next time I go out I'll calibrate it to get a better idea of how far I really went.
I have a question though, do I have to set up play lists in order to not have to listen to shuffle? Also those of you who jog (or used to jog) how long did it take before you weren't sore afterwards?
I just got it today and wanted to go ahead and see what it was all about, so I used it with out calibrating it. I really do not think I ran 3 miles, but I figure they are set to much taller people. The next time I go out I'll calibrate it to get a better idea of how far I really went.
I have a question though, do I have to set up play lists in order to not have to listen to shuffle? Also those of you who jog (or used to jog) how long did it take before you weren't sore afterwards?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
crafty AND environmentally conscious
I am ridiculously proud of this knitted coffee sleeve I made for Teddy. It is FUN and PRETTY and GREEN (it isn't actually green, it is green like for the environment because now you don't have to use those disposable cup sleeves...but try to ignore the fact that we are still using the paper cup). I decided I would start a company and call it Sir Knits A Lot and make these to sell in stores. I think I will charge 20 dollars an hour, so currently these coffee sleeves are going to cost about 80 dollars. How many do you want?Friday, March 20, 2009
Captain Scrunch
My knitting has so far yielded a couple of blankets for Eli's Little People. I'm not sure what kind of demand there is for that kind of thing, but Sea Captains get cold too.(Eli does not like for me to put my blankets on his Little People and I had to take this picture while he was in his room. So far the demand for tiny blankets is -1)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Our house
If you read my sister's blog you may already know that Teddy and I signed a lease for a house in Alabama. Our move in date is 08/13/09. Yes you read that right, it is FIVE months from now. I don't know what is wrong with me and why I can't chill the fuck out.
I was thinking about it the other day and every place that Teddy and I have lived, is because I freaked out and signed a lease at the very first place I looked at because I can't stand the stress. I had been doing pretty good and trying to be zen and happy about our move and then all the sudden on Tuesday I saw an ad for somewhere that I thought could be good for us. I called the real estate place and they said it may or may not still be available by the time Teddy and I are in Alabama in May (we are going for our nephew's high school graduation and agreed that while we were there we would look at houses and sign a lease). The real estate agency gave me the phone number of the person that lives there and when I called she made a point to tell me about how much she LOVED the house and neighborhood and that another couple was coming to look at the house THAT DAY.
I HATED the thought of some stupid horrible people living in my perfect, wonderful house so I called the real estate agency back and essentially promised to sign a lease, sight unseen, just so some strangers couldn't have it ( that is essentially how we ended up in the apartment we have now too, so on top of everything else I also have a tendency to act like a greedy child). My sister was kind enough to go over there and take a look and take some pictures for us, so at least I know I'm not living in a complete dump. There are several things I REALLY like about the place. The location is awesome, it has a great yard, and the living room and bedrooms are nice. The things that are completely driving me batshit crazy are the bathrooms and kitchen are totally hideous. The kitchen is covered in wood paneling: HATE. The bathrooms have PINK tile, and one bathroom has a BLUE toilet.
I am now obsessing over the things I don't like. I'm convinced my family will be unhappy because they have to poop on an ugly blue toilet. Our lives are now ruined because I don't like wood paneling. I have realized that part (one tiny little piece of the crazy) of my problem is I'm always convinced that there will be nothing else on the horizon so I have to jump on/rent/work/marry whatever the first thing is that was offered to me. I'm only partly kidding about that too. In the NYC metropolitan area the mindset is the complete opposite, there is ALWAYS something better coming along so you should never settle on your current job/home/spouse. When I finished grad school I took the very first job offered to me (that I didn't even really want, and that I still have) because I was afraid nothing else would come along.
Ever since I signed the lease yesterday I have had an upset stomach and I'm feeling guilty for once again subjecting my husband and child to my crazy whims. I'm also annoyed with myself because even though I KNOW wood paneling and blue toilets aren't the end of the world I can't help but have this little nagging feeling like maybe they are a little bit...
I was thinking about it the other day and every place that Teddy and I have lived, is because I freaked out and signed a lease at the very first place I looked at because I can't stand the stress. I had been doing pretty good and trying to be zen and happy about our move and then all the sudden on Tuesday I saw an ad for somewhere that I thought could be good for us. I called the real estate place and they said it may or may not still be available by the time Teddy and I are in Alabama in May (we are going for our nephew's high school graduation and agreed that while we were there we would look at houses and sign a lease). The real estate agency gave me the phone number of the person that lives there and when I called she made a point to tell me about how much she LOVED the house and neighborhood and that another couple was coming to look at the house THAT DAY.
I HATED the thought of some stupid horrible people living in my perfect, wonderful house so I called the real estate agency back and essentially promised to sign a lease, sight unseen, just so some strangers couldn't have it ( that is essentially how we ended up in the apartment we have now too, so on top of everything else I also have a tendency to act like a greedy child). My sister was kind enough to go over there and take a look and take some pictures for us, so at least I know I'm not living in a complete dump. There are several things I REALLY like about the place. The location is awesome, it has a great yard, and the living room and bedrooms are nice. The things that are completely driving me batshit crazy are the bathrooms and kitchen are totally hideous. The kitchen is covered in wood paneling: HATE. The bathrooms have PINK tile, and one bathroom has a BLUE toilet.
I am now obsessing over the things I don't like. I'm convinced my family will be unhappy because they have to poop on an ugly blue toilet. Our lives are now ruined because I don't like wood paneling. I have realized that part (one tiny little piece of the crazy) of my problem is I'm always convinced that there will be nothing else on the horizon so I have to jump on/rent/work/marry whatever the first thing is that was offered to me. I'm only partly kidding about that too. In the NYC metropolitan area the mindset is the complete opposite, there is ALWAYS something better coming along so you should never settle on your current job/home/spouse. When I finished grad school I took the very first job offered to me (that I didn't even really want, and that I still have) because I was afraid nothing else would come along.
Ever since I signed the lease yesterday I have had an upset stomach and I'm feeling guilty for once again subjecting my husband and child to my crazy whims. I'm also annoyed with myself because even though I KNOW wood paneling and blue toilets aren't the end of the world I can't help but have this little nagging feeling like maybe they are a little bit...
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