Penny in Exile

maybe the answer should just be to stop watching that horrible show

2010-07-30T07:17:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make (that I've probably made before)...I like horrible reality TV. My most recent being Bethenny Getting Married. It is horrible...She is horrible, and yet I'm transfixed. The main storyline is that she is pregnant (and as you can probably assume from the title, getting married).

The part I'm the most interested in is her pregnancy/newborn story line. I'm ALWAYS watching shows and reading blogs about people having babies. My hope is to one day find someone who shares my same experience (and then I'll stalk them and hunt them down just to give them a hug and maybe ask if they'll snuggle with me a little because I am just that desperate)

The episode last night was Bethenny and her new husband coming home from the hospital with their newborn. I could not have had a more DIFFERENT experience. They seemed relatively calm, they did normal things, they absolutely GUSHED about how much they loved their baby. It was all so foreign to me.

When Eli was born the VERY FIRST THING I thought when they showed him to me was "wow, I don't know that person." I guess I really thought that having spent 40 weeks talking to him and carrying him around inside of me I would know him when he was born. I also remember not really loving him. It isn't that I didn't love him, it is more that I was so consumed with keeping him alive that love wasn't my first emotion...anxiety was.

I remember thinking after his birth that I wasn't normal, and I would never feel normal again. I remember watching other people have babies and they would do what I considered to be normal things (go out to eat, talk on the phone, make dinner) and I just couldn't understand how that was possible. I couldn't do anything except cry and worry.

I keep thinking about these things because Teddy and I continue to talk about trying to have another one (although we can't now due to our finances and insurance stuff which makes me sad and frustrated too). I wonder if the second time around I'll have the experience that most other people describe, or I wonder if I'll have a repeat of the first time.

My baby is almost 4 (can you believe that? He is a full fledged KID who has hairy legs and is about 3/4 the size I am!) and I still am not over my postpartum experience. I really don't think that will ever change, but I wonder if having another will help me get over the first experience OR if it will be a big fat kick in the face like the first one was. I guess it shows how much I love my kid NOW if I'd be even willing to try that again.

( I forget to tell you about the cakes. I know you are just DYING to know. The one that is by FAR superior is mine...the one on the left with the slice....My sister made the other one, but today is her birthday and you probably hurt her feelings when you said mine was so much better so you should go give her some love)

You decide.

2010-07-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

My sister and I had a competition on who could make the best Watermelon Cake for 4th of July. It was based on a picture we saw in Women's Day Magazine. She is going to try to tell you it was about TASTE...but if you are having a competition based on LOOKS I think it is obvious that taste isn't as much of a factor.

Which one looks more like the picture?

two years

2010-07-02T07:53:00.001-07:00

Yesterday when I was flipping my calender over at work to July (holy hell! how is it July?) I started thinking about how I had started my weight loss/health journey in May 2008 and now it has been OVER two years since I begun. I am still holding steady at a size 6 and around 135 pounds. I started at 191 lbs and a size 16/18.

One of my recent goals has been to wear a bikini on our 10 year anniversary trip, coming up NEXT MONTH. I bought a bikini, and then I decided that bikini was just too small, I needed a bikini that covered more area if that existed...

I ended up finding one at The Gap that I liked and I ordered it..and well, it's not good. I just started Weight Watchers again and I would really like to get off a few pounds so that I can wear that bikini and not die of embarrassment. I even took some before pictures to show you and I'm just not sure that is going to happen.

One of the things I have thought about a lot lately is the fact that I may have to start lowering my expectations. I am just not ever going to be a tiny person...I think my thighs will always be tree trunk sized and will rub together for ever more. I don't think I'm going to look like a swimsuit model anytime soon, and I'm guessing at 33 my breasts aren't going to magically perk up and my stomach is probably not ever going to be completely flat.

I need to celebrate how far I've come, instead of constantly fretting about how much better it could be.

August 2008 (that's me in the very front...my tiny baby with my sister, and my wack a doodle mother)
May 2010

I am good at parenting.

2010-06-17T04:20:00.000-07:00

A YEAR ago I wrote a post about the trifecta of parenting for our family. They were as follows:

1. getting rid of the pacifiers
2. potty train
3. big boy bed.

Luckily #3 was really not that big of a deal, and we shall never speak of #2 again, but it is done (and actually has been done for a long time now). I am embarrassed to admit we just got to #1 last Friday. Eli will be 4 in two months. Shut up.

Oh it has been hell for all of us. He is not sleeping, we are not sleeping. He is cranky and irritable, we are cranky and irritable. I know I should have dealt with this A LONG ass time ago, but it was a hard thing for ME to do. I was a thumb sucker until I was like 9 (OK FINE 12) (FINE just because my sister reads this 15). It was HARD for me to stop, and pretty much once I stopped sucking my thumb I started smoking...so that really filled that gap.

Please remind me of this (kindly, because I am sensitive) if I ever have another kid with a pacifier addiction!

This is a video as much for me as it is for you. I need to remember that my tiny baby is an adorable kid and not just a huge pain in the ass!

Untitled from Penny InExile on Vimeo.

Do you recognize the song? Extra points if you do!

five is not enough

2010-06-09T16:17:00.000-07:00

I was talking to Teddy this afternoon and complaining that even though the two of us have FIVE jobs together (I have two part time jobs and Teddy has a quarter time job, a part time job, and a freelance gig) we are still just scraping by. It is ridiculous and even though it is super frustrating I am glad to have too many jobs rather than not enough...

We are still enjoying luxuries we could get rid of in order to have more going out/food money (really my main vice is I like going out to eat). We have cable, DVR and Internet. I have a new car I could downsize, we spend money on crap we don't need. We have been doing much better on our grocery bills and are typically spending on average around 100$ a week instead of 150$. I said in an earlier post that I'm embarrassed by my current circumstances and I am. I think that coming here for Teddy to get his PhD is a good idea in the LONG run, but now it makes me feel like we made an irresponsible choice.

My dad asked Teddy over the weekend how he felt about being 1/4 of the way done with school and Teddy said he was feeling good, but guilty that he brought his family down here and wasn't making enough money. My dad looked at Teddy and said "don't worry I can help too." HA HA HA. Oh, don't get me wrong I love my dad, and if my arm fell off and I needed money for surgery to put it back on he would help me...and we could set up a nice payment plan for me to pay him back. He is generous with dinners out and well, that is about it. He has never once just offered me money to help out. I know I shouldn't expect him to give me money, I get that, but it is just that I happen to know so many people who have had LOADS of parental help (financially) that I get bitter when I think about it too much.

This is my stream of consciousness writing since I am lonely because Teddy is at his first night of his new summer job. I was left responsible for feeding myself and Eli so I had two sandwiches and Eli had a jelly sandwich, string cheese, and watermelon. Good parenting high five!

Things I still want to talk about:

jogging in the million degree Alabama heat
how much money do you need to have that second kid
my pets and my totem poll of caring
and MUCH MORE.

nine

2010-06-07T16:54:00.001-07:00

Nine.

It may be the ONLY time it happens this year.

same as it ever was.

2010-05-31T17:17:00.000-07:00

Oh dear. What happened? It is embarrassing that the real answer is...nothing. I have been in a bit of a ...mood...let's call it. I feel insignificant and sort of embarrassed by my current life circumstances and it has just made me not want to post. I have kept up with my bloggy friends and SO much has happened and I feel like a jerk for not keeping up, then I feel like a jerk because I don't feel like I have anything of value to add. I just needed to get something out here so that big gap didn't keep mocking me. I'll be back soon with some real updates, in the meantime please forgive me for being a douche, I really do love you!

disorder in the (food) court

2010-04-01T12:45:00.001-07:00

I think about food all.the.time. No really. You probably think I'm exaggerating but I really do. I like to plan out all the things I'm going to eat in a day and if I know I'm going out to eat I'll look at the menu online to decide what I want so I can think about it before we go there. I think about breakfast when I eat dinner, lunch when I eat breakfast, and dinner when I eat lunch.

I love candy and sweets. If someone brings a box of donuts to work I will go in the break room several times just to LOOK at the donuts, then I'll go around and ask people if they ate the donuts and ask how they tasted. I like to look in the snack machine and think about what snack I would get, if I were to get a snack. I like to plan "parties" around eating lots of food. Easter to me? Candy day.

I obviously have relationship issues with food and yet when someone suggested to me I have an eating disorder, I was....surprised and then more interested.

I work in the mental health field, and have for some time, and it is not uncommon to sit around with your co workers and talk about your various issues/anxieties/eccentricities and diagnose each other and discuss what kind of good meds you may or may not have in your medicine cabinet.

A few days ago we were standing around work talking, and someone had delivered some food baskets to go to needy families. I peeked in the basket and saw a box of Girl Scout cookies and I mentioned that I could easily eat a whole box in one sitting (and have) and that is why I run to the opposite side of the street if I see a cute little be-pig tailed Girl Scout. One of my co workers looked at me and very seriously said "have you ever gotten therapy for your eating disorder?" I laughed and said no, and said I look freaking awesome for a girl that used to down whole boxes of Girl Scout cookies. We all had a good laugh.

I have thought about that comment several times since it was mentioned and I am not upset or annoyed, it was more that I had never considered myself to have an eating disorder and yet when I really consider my history with food, it seems like I probably do. I guess because I don't throw up, or starve myself it just never occurred to me. I am obsessed with food, and a lot of the times I just don't feel satiated. I almost always feel like I want to eat more and I just rarely feel satisfied with "normal" amounts of food. I think with the amount I run I should be SKINNY but because I like to eat so much I just can't get there.

My friend today mentioned she was feeling upset that that comment had been made about me, and honestly I told her I didn't mind. I have been more aware of what I eat, and how much these last couple of days (although it hasn't stopped me from over eating) and I understand if I would just wait a little while the urge would pass, but in that moment I just WANT the food so bad I can barely stand it.

I still don't have any answers about my relationship with food, but I jokingly told a friend that I can remember once someone in my family having a birthday and we got an Ice Cream cake from Baskin Robbins and CUT IT IN FOUR PIECES and each ate 1/4 of the cake. I think that could start explaining some things....

ETA: I just ate a piece of candy out of the trash. Do you still think I'm exaggerating?

please

2010-03-19T12:32:00.000-07:00

I don't pray. I don't believe in God, so praying isn't really my thing. I obviously don't mind when others pray, and if people want to pray for me, I'll always take it (although I do get really annoyed when people thank God for their Oscar or for their World Series Win, it just annoys me that they are so self centered they would think it that God would give a crap about the Oscars).

Today I applied for another job online and after I did it I looked up, closed my eyes and sent a thought to the universe. I just said "please." I need a new job for my family, for my mental health, for our physical health as our insurance runs out this summer, and for my self esteem. I know if there is one giant ass list of everyone in the universe's needs/wants mine is going to be somewhere towards the bottom but dudes honestly, I deserve it. I'm a good employee. I'm a good person. I have spent the last almost 6 years helping less fortunate people for really shitty money.

This month hasn't been as bad as the last couple of months in the money department because I have my pet sitting money. I feel like the job of pet sitter should go to a college kid with acne who needs beer money..not a 33 year old woman with a Master's degree, but when money was offered I took it where normally I would have waved it off and told people they owed me one. I'm bitter and sad and honestly getting desperate. I am really thankful to have my current sucky job because I don't even like to think about where we would be without it....whereas now things are very tight, uncomfortably so, I think without we would have been absolutely screwed.

I feel stupid because we made this choice and in four years I'll probably think it is a good one (assuming Teddy gets a job), but now I'm starting to wonder if this was the best decision at this point in time. I think it will be OK, I hope it will be OK, but sometimes I start to wonder why? Why would I assume it would be OK for me, when it isn't for so many people?

Ugh, this is just so terribly depressing and emo and I swear I'm not walking around being a giant bag of depressing crap. I am usually in a pretty good mood, and I'm usually pretty happy but this is where I come to vent my frustrations so you get my angsty angst.

Next up, pictures of stuff that makes me happy...

numbers game

2010-03-12T11:26:00.001-08:00

6- Slices of pizza I ate yesterday

60-miles I need to run to work off yesterday's pizza

2- pets I am pet sitting while friends/family go on exotic vacations

26-amount of times I've told myself to be happy for friends/family and not bitter and jealous

4- episodes of LOST on my DVR I will try and watch this weekend

15-pounds I would still like to lose

1 million -times I've said "do you understand me?' to my son

5- times I've laughed when my son has said "do you understand me?" to me

1-planned trip to Target to cheer myself up

2-people in my office with stomach flu

11-my anxiety on a scale of 1-10 about getting the above mentioned stomach flu

2-number of baby showers I'm going to in the next two weeks

0-number of babies I can have due to my current circumstances

1-number of babies I may like to have but can't due to my current circumstances

6.5-number of semesters my husband has to finish for his PhD

1-bag of expensive ass coffee bought for interne's alternative spring break

20-dollars given to co-workers Jerry's Kids charity

funk, in it.

2010-03-08T13:48:00.000-08:00

I have been purposely ignoring my blog because honestly it is such a downer. *I* am such a downer! I tend to go through cycles of being UP and happy and being DOWN and hating everyone and their stupid ass faces. Yeah, you probably guessed right now I'm in a down cycle (but I don't hate you or your stupid ass face, your AWESOME!).

I really didn't think I'd still be working my crappy hourly job 3 months later. I really thought I'd be in something more stable and better paying by now. I am trying to stay positive about our current circumstance but it is hard, and I'm having a rough time.

I did do some much better planning and shopping this weekend (although I still spent 152$). I made a trip to WalMart (I know) and we bought a lot of our weekly staples that are cheaper than at Kroger (specifically Kashi cereal that I eat for breakfast every.day and Kashi bars that my husband takes to work with him). We bought ground turkey on sale at WalMart and we had taco salad for dinner last night and when we were cooking the turkey, after the seasoning had been added, I stirred in a can of pinto beans and a can of black beans to stretch the meal out over two days!

Here is something that is really bugging me too ...our current budget is pretty much down to the dollar and in the last week I've had one intern ask me for a donation for her Alternative Spring Break Program, one co worker ask for a donation to her Jerry's Kids charity, my boss ask for a donation for a lunch we are having for a volunteer that is leaving, and I'm going to two baby showers in the next two weeks! AGH. My regular charities are sending me sad letters and I'm just feeling like shit over it.

The good news is the weather is beautiful today, we are all fine and healthy, and we have food to eat and a roof over our head! I'll be done wallowing soon, until then feel free to move on to someone who doesn't make you want to punch them in the neck.

Um, WOW.

2010-03-03T13:44:00.001-08:00

You guys are amazing. Seriously. I grew up in a household that did not budget, AT ALL. My parents had tons of credit card debt and we just had whatever we wanted/needed whenever. I had no idea how to budget as a young adult and therefore made a lot of mistakes...using credit cards, taking out too many student loans, bouncing checks ( I know, yikes) and really just not knowing how to live with in my means.

My husband and I were making decent salaries when we lived in NJ and were able to pay off all our debt (minus my student loans) but we were still living paycheck to paycheck. We have savings for our son, life insurance, and retirement accounts but if we became jobless we would be living off credit cards. Like I mentioned in a previous post it is now really necessary for us to start living off of a budget for the first time. Teddy is only working part time while he is in school and my salary is not enough to keep up our (old) lifestyle.

Seriously, you guys are blowing my MIND. Making your own yogurt and raising chickens? Never once entered my mind....but now that is my reality that honestly I keep trying to pretend it isn't. I keep thinking that ANY DAY NOW I will get a better paying job and we will be back to our old spending habits. The truth is ANY DAY NOW could be a year from now and I don't want to end up in debt.

I can not believe how ingenious you guys are and I'm really going to make an effort to start trying to be more thoughtful about our spending. My new BFF Biggest Diabetic Loser is helping me and she left me a comment on my previous post with some recipes for me to try out based on my area's sales. Here is the thing that is going to make her want to break up with me....We are picky meat eaters. We will eat chicken and turkey...AND that's about it. I don't really like seafood...OK that is not true I do like fish but I don't know how to cook it, and we don't really eat beef or pork.

Most recipes that call for ground beef, I will substitute in ground turkey BUT I'm guessing this really isn't economical if the turkey is not on sale. I would love to try the stuffed peppers with ground turkey, but again this is something I would have done before without any real thought to how much the turkey cost. I definitely want to try the Greek Chicken and that sounds like something we would really like. I know it probably seems ridiculous to you guys that it NEVER occurred to me to shop this way.

I'm going to do my best and I'll keep you guys updated along the way.

grocery shopping challenge

2010-03-02T08:11:00.000-08:00

I am still struggling with my budget and this Sunday we spent 152.93 at Kroger and honestly, it still seems like I don't have enough to make whole meals. We buy a lot of produce but the most expensive things we bought was a box of Clementines and a bag of apples (a little over 6 dollars each).

I sent out a plea for you guys to help me and Bea had some good tips, and we are definitely going to plant a garden this Spring and try to grow our own tomatoes, cucumbers, and peppers (maybe some other things too). I am also trying to decide what products I should still buy organic (definitely meat and dairy for my son) and what products I can get away with not buying organic. Organic peanut butter and bread for example is much more expensive than the non organic brands.

A super nice blogger, Biggest Diabetic Loser, (she is an awesome grocery shopper and her pictures of food are KILLING me) has essentially offered to be my grocery shopping guru and I just don't think she understands what a novice she has taken under her wing. She sent me such a sweet email trying to help me out but it in it said something like "if you roast a chicken to make chicken enchiladas you can use the bones for chicken soup." Oh. Hm. Well I have never roasted a chicken and I would have absolutely NO idea how to go about doing so.

What her strategy seems to be is plan your meals based on what is on sale. OH! yes. But what if you know how to make absolutely nothing? I will tell you we eat mostly beans and rice and pasta. We aren't vegetarians, but we do try to limit what meat we eat. We don't eat or prepare red meat at home, but we do cook chicken breasts or I will make meatloaf/chili/or tacos with ground turkey aaaaaaannnnnnnnddd that is pretty much ALL I know how to make.

It is quickly becoming very important for us to make cuts wherever we can (although I refuse to cut off the cable at this point). I need to make budgeting a priority and yet I just don't WANT to. I think I need to take this grocery shopping up as a challenge and try to make it fun for the whole family. I am curious what cuts the rest of you are making if you are struggling in this tough economic time.

budget schmudget

2010-02-23T09:20:00.000-08:00

One of the things we knew was a possibility when were discussing Teddy going back to school was that we may have less money. This has turned out to be a reality that I am really not doing well with. I think I convinced myself that the cost of living in Alabama would be SO much cheaper than in NJ it would all sort of even out.

Welllllll this does not seem to be working out for me, even though the cost of living IS cheaper here, I am making MUCH less and Teddy is only working part time. I am bitter and sort of in denial about the whole thing and I'm really going to have to get a grip. I feel like EVERYONE has more money than I (we)do and I'm just angry and jealous about it. We need to cut our eating out budget to only once a week, and I really need to work on my grocery bill. We are spending about 120-175 on groceries a week for a family of three. This seems like a lot to me. I buy mostly organic/natural products and that really drives the bill up. Does anyone have any advice on this? Does that number seem high to you?

I am angry we are going backwards in our life...It seems you should make more money over time, not less. I get that a lot of people are going through this same thing right now, I'm just saying I'm having a hard time with it. I really resent giving up lattes, and crappy doo-dads at Target. I want to be able to buy a 20$ shirt at Old Navy if I like it, but the reality is I just can't. I need to focus on the positive things in life and yet I'm pouting over not being able to go out and get coffee and frozen yogurt if I want to.

I will say that the time with our family has been great, so even knowing what I know now I would still choose to move here but, dammit I wish I could catch a break in this horrible job market and get something that paid a little more than Jesus crap fuck nothing. I'm just a little angry right now.

weekend round up

2010-02-16T15:19:00.000-08:00

Friday: SNOWPOCOLYPSE!

OK, for Alabama it really was a lot of snow.

Saturday: Two 5Ks on the same day!

The first 5K went right in front of our house. My time was 28:58.

The second 5K I actually did a tiny bit better, 28:48.

Sunday: Hugs, Kisses, and Susie came to live with us.

We are all still missing our dog, so we went out and adopted some .13 feeder fish. We love them very much and their names are Hugs, Kisses, and Susie. Teddy bought me that little fish tank for our very first Valentine's Day together (10 years ago)! This is the first time we've gotten it out in several years and we are all really enjoying the fish (please don't die).

(please don't judge my entirely paneled, very 60s kitchen...)

thoughts before EXTREME SNOW 2010

2010-02-11T11:24:00.000-08:00

I love blogs, and I love to read people's blogs and really I like to read about just about anything, food, kids, trying to have kids, trying not to have kids, working, not working, eating or not eating, exercising, pets, complaining..really whatever, but I can not stand to read about when people or their kids get the barfing flu. It just makes me feel like my skin is going to scritchy scratch right off and I have to click away really fast. I have this really irrational fear that reading about someone else's barfing flu is going to make ME have the barfing flu and really? to me? Worst.thing.ever. Worrying about getting the barfing flu keeps me up at night, now I'm afraid all this talking about the barfing flu is going to jinx me. Must stop.
Have you seen that commercial for I Can't Believe it's Not Butter with Megan Mullally? It is the one where she sings Turn the Tub Around? Well anyway inexplicably for the last SEVERAL nights me and Teddy have gotten into conversations about better fake butter song combinations and so far my favorite is spray on spray on butter (you have to sing it to the Beach Boys Sail on Sailor tune) Ugh, never mind this probably makes absolutely no sense to you.
It may or may not snow up to 2 inches tomorrow and people are losing their minds (remember I live in Alabama). OMG SNOWPOCOLYPSE we are all going to DIE BUY water and peanut butter in bulk!
When our dog died I SWORE I would NEVER EVER in my WHOLE life get another dog because it is just too.hard. BUT Eli is already asking about getting another dog and I've already consented too "maybe in a couple of years." AHHH how fast NEVER turned into "maybe."
I don't get why people don't like Valentine's Day. I mean I guess I get why single people don't like it, but even then I just used it as an excuse to eat cookie dough and watch sappy movies but I really don't get why people who are part of a couple don't like it. I mean I know it is a made up consumer holiday, but who cares? It is fun and you might get some candy, what's so wrong with that?

Blogoversary.

2010-02-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

Today is the one year anniversary of when I started THIS blog because THAT blog got hijacked by creepy stalker. I love having a blog and I love having my tiny community of friends that come by and cheer me on, or come by and offer support, because to me, that is what it is all about. I read on a friend's blog recently that there has been some competition in the "pain Olympics" and I'm always afraid when I post something that someone is going to come around and tell me to stop my whiny whining because there are hungry kids in Ethiopia or something but you guys never do that and really you are all just lovely and I want to give you a big hug.

Since I've started this blog I've taken up running, Teddy got into the PhD program, we moved, my baby turned three, I was job searching, I got a job and I'm still job searching, my dog died, and I've committed to wearing a bikini for the first time ever! There has been lots of great times, and also lots of challenges, I'm sure life will continue much the same BUT it is nicer knowing you guys will come by and check on us.

In completely unrelated and unabashed parental gloating when I dropped Eli off at daycare this morning his teacher told me that Eli is by far the brightest child in her class. It made me ridiculously proud (although I will admit the other kids are sort of dufusy so I'm not sure this is a HUGE compliment).

I ran a 10K this Saturday (my time was 1:03 so I did not hit my NYR goal, BUT the last MILE was uphill so it was still pretty awesome time) and a 5K on Sunday. I feel awesome and my sister and BIL were right there with me so they are awesome too. We are doing two 5Ks next weekend on the same day! My friend said we need "runners anonymous" but it really is fun!

NYR progress

2010-02-05T12:17:00.000-08:00

That's my New Year's Resolution progress to those of you not in the know. I really FEEL committed to my NYRs but that doesn't seem to really be helping me actually DO anything about them. Let's remind ourselves what my resolutions are:

1. Run a half marathon
Um, nope. I still haven't found one I want to sign up for
2. Finish a 10K in less than 60 minutes
Nope. I have a 10K tomorrow but I hear it is a killer so I'm sort of assuming this is not going to be the one.
3. Finish a 5K in less than 30 minutes
I DID THIS ONE. I ran a 5K on 1/23/10 in 29:23, go me!
4. Wear a bikini on the beach (for the first time EVER) on our 10 year anniversary (August 2010), and look good doing it.
OK, I BOUGHT a bikini but that is the only thing I've done so far. I seriously need to start toning if I plan on wearing a bikini without DYING of embarrassment.
5. Take a yoga class
Nope. They are so expensive.
6. Start knitting again, and at least make some more coffee cup cozies.
Once a week I think about getting my knitting out, and it still hasn't happened.
7. Say "yes" more
I'm doing pretty good at this. I say "yes" to Eli much more about reading stories and playing games (I'm a horrible mother because I don't really enjoy these things. I hate to hear myself read out loud and Eli is super annoying to play games with but it has gotten more enjoyable the more I make myself do it)
8. teach Eli to swim
Nope
9. Play in the Gulf of Mexico with Eli and Teddy
hopefully this summer!
10. Have more sex
NOPE, I think if it is possible we are having less sex, which totally sucks but it seems like by the time there is opportunity we are both so exhausted we discuss it and then toss that option out and go to sleep instead.

OK, so now that I'm thinking about it I got 1/10 completed and I still have almost 11 months to do the other 9 so maybe I'll actually do it! How are your resolutions going?

Moving on

2010-02-02T12:56:00.001-08:00

I just have to write a new post because every time I click on my blog and see my dog it makes me so sad. I need the page to move down but I really have nothing to say, so let's talk about some stuff I am into right now.

LOST. I am super happy LOST is coming back on tonight. Oh, I just love Jack so much and I love his super angsty bossy pants attitude. I hope he is shirtless and sweaty for most of the evening.
TCBY yogurt. I got a gift certificate to TCBY yogurt for Christmas and I can not get enough sugar free frozen yogurt, it makes me so happy.
Pizza with tofu and broccoli. I know it sounds weird but it is so, so good and I can pretend it is a WHOLE meal on a pizza and HEALTHY because BROCCOLI!
Diet Dr. Pepper. It is really so delicious and spicy, I must limit myself to one a day.
Modern Family. Have you guys seen this? It is really funny and it always makes me happy.

Things I don't want to talk about:

That my gas bill is 500$ for last month! What the holy hell? I didn't pay that much in NJ!
That I am still looking for another job
My mom moved back to Virginia to work (only until April) after living here for only three months. Our relationship still sucks.
I feel fat
and bloated
and ugly
and pimply
I wonder why?

She was a very good dog.

2010-01-29T10:35:00.000-08:00

It wasn't good news. Think a good thought for our girl today, we are all very sad. xoxo

My dog, my partner

2010-01-26T12:57:00.000-08:00

My poor elderly dog has started to have seizures, and it is terrifying me. She had one early Monday morning, and then again late last night. I was so upset after the one last night I asked my husband to take her to the Emergency Vet run by the Universities Vet School. That in itself was a complete waste because for our elderly dog they wanted to run THOUSANDS of dollars of tests including a chest X ray, CAT scan, and MRI. When my husband refused the treatment he felt like the staff was judging him and he returned home with our old dog and no answers.

My husband took our dog back to our regular vet today and he suggested some blood work to see if we could find an underlying cause of the seizures and told my husband he agreed that my elderly, anxious dog should not be subjected to a litany of tests. We both felt better believing we had someone on our side who would not judge us should we end up having to put our dog down. It is a horrible decision to have to make and the last thing you need is some douche student judging you because you won't pay for a dog neurologist (and maybe some of you would, and I respect that, I honestly can't afford it and at my dog's age it was a quality of life choice for us).

I am an anxious person anyway, and I don't deal well with pet illnesses because I get very emotional very quickly and I become so anxious about the situation I just can't deal with it. My husband stepped in and took care of everything even though the dog is MY dog from before we even met (she is 13). I just thought of how lucky I am to have such a fantastic partner when I was reading a love story earlier today. I thought of how sad and anxious I am to be put in the position to make a decision I don't want to make, but I thought of how grateful I am to have a person standing beside me and supporting me all along. A person who never wanted any pets but loves the ones he is now the step father to.

I just hope we don't have to make the choice.

He is just being 3

2010-01-25T09:27:00.000-08:00

I think yesterday was one of my worst parenting days since my son was a tiny infant and I just cried all day. He was just...indescribable yesterday (although "turd" may have come up on facebook). He was wild, and mean, and hyper and just all over the place. He was throwing things at us, hitting us, and SCREAMING. It was just awful, and to top it all off we were stuck inside because of the horrible weather. We all went to bed last night feeling like shit, he probably felt worse after throwing himself into the bed in RAGE after we refused his bedtime story because he had thrown his bath toys at his dad and in doing so smacked his head into his headboard and gave himself a big knot and bruise. It was just the perfect end to the perfect storm of a day.

The other day my mom was over and Eli was doing something bratty and I was complaining to her about his behavior and she said "Oh he is just being 3" and I wanted to rip her arms off and beat her with them. I KNOW HE IS THREE. I know she was trying to be helpful and trying to let me know HE isn't bad, it is just a bad age, but I just can't stand those little cliches when I'm trying to vent. I don't know what I want to hear, but it isn't "he is just being three."

Teddy and I stayed up after Eli went to bed last night and we were talking about how ridiculous it is that a three year old can enrage us (and to make Teddy mad takes A LOT) and how I can lose my patience and yell like a child and how at the end of the night I am exhausted but mostly my feelings are hurt because dammit I revolve my ENTIRE LIFE around making you happy and then you spend the day treating me like shit? HOW DARE YOU? Oh, I know it is because he is just being three....

Why I have no friends.

2010-01-19T14:22:00.000-08:00

I have long since concluded that I have no friends since I have a weird sense of humor and no one gets me. I like inappropriate humor and poking fun at people...but I like to poke fun at ALL people, not any specific race, gender, or religion...I discriminate equally.

Anyway, this weekend we were talking to my BIL about how we (the three of us, BIL, Teddy and myself) laugh at weird things and somehow in the conversation we started trying to come up with the ABSOLUTE WORST things you could try to market. My idea was porn for kids, Teddy said Jesus penis replicas and I can't even tell you what BIL said because it is just SO wrong (but we still all laughed). What are your terrible products?

company

2010-01-13T08:25:00.000-08:00

So my argument with John was completely anti-climatic! I decided that you guys were right and I needed to take the high road, but I most definitely wanted to know what the deal was. I called John back and after telling him yes we have missed him, and yes they can stay at our house, I confronted him about not being in contact with us. You know what his answer was? DO YOU? When I asked him WHY he hadn't responded to our attempts to contact them in TWO years he said.........WAIT FOR IT.....he said "I don't know. I guess I didn't realize it had been that long."

I tried to argue...I tried to bait him, and I tried to tell him how much he had hurt our feelings, and I thought we were FRIENDS and NOTHING. He would barely even respond to me which made it a terrible argument. Teddy's family are HORRIBLE at confrontation. I'm serious, I'm not sure if you could meet people who were worse at it. They avoid it at all.costs. It makes me nuts, because I like a good healthy confrontation. I honestly don't mind arguing, I could go as far as to say I like it. I'm talking about arguing, where two people who each have a different side intelligently debate, not fighting which I think of as screaming and yelling.

So anyway, they will be here on Friday and what I actually wanted to tell you about is how nuts I am about company, and I'm wondering if it is normal. I remember when I was a kid one of the things I just hated was anytime my parents had a party every thing had to be PERFECT. Every mirror had to be cleaned, every blade of grass had to be manicured, every doo-dad in our house had to be run through the dishwasher and it made everyone crazy. Well guess what, I do the same thing now.

I have to have all the linens washed, the kitchen has to be spotless, the lawn is being mowed as I type, the bathrooms have to be scrubbed and every surface must be dusted. The dog even got a bath in preparation for company. I actually once told a friend of mine my sick secret. While I'm doing all of this cleaning and preparation I imagine my company *thinking* "wow, her house is so clean!" and it makes me feel so awesome. In my imagination they don't even say it out loud they just think it and I still feel so PROUD.

I know it is crazy. How do you deal with company?

unrelated, except the part that is.

2010-01-06T07:18:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying that I was honestly SHOCKED at your comments on my last post. I ALWAYS assumed that thin people walked around feeling FABULOUS about themselves and those of us that were/are overweight were the ones walking around with big FAT issues. I think it is so sad that a bunch of women that I have envied for some reason or another go around feeling self conscious about how you look. Of course I am the big fat pot calling the kettle black because I do the same thing, BUT it was really enlightening to me that skinny people have body issues too (really). What do we do about this, and how do we keep the next generation from feeling the same way?

Oh and something I wanted to add is that I NEVER ask Teddy to tell me if I'm fatter/thinner or better looking than another woman because I KNOW he will lie and tell me whatever I want to hear. I think if I asked him if he thought naked supermodels were hot he would say "not as hot as you." LIAR.

*****************************

Last night I was laying on the couch talking with Teddy and I was telling him that I have certain triggers in my brain that no matter where I am whenever I hear a certain word/phrase I ALWAYS think (and depending on the situation sometimes say out loud) the same thing.

For Example:

Someone says "here is the situation"
I think: My parents just went away for a weeks vacation, and they left the keys to the brand new Porsche, would they mind? mmm well of course not! (I could go on and on)

Someone says "stop"
I think: collaborate and listen, Ice is back with a brand new rendition. something grabs a hold of me tightly flow like a harpoon daily and nightly (again, I could go on and on). Teddy disagreed and said if he hears "stop" he thinks "hammer time"

Someone says "who are you going to call?"
I think : Ghostbusters!

Someone says anything about anything being "hard"
I think: That's what she said!

******************************************

Teddy and I used to be very good friends with Teddy's middle brother (we shall call him John). Teddy and I even lived with John for several years while we were dating/married and I was actually friends with John before I met Teddy. John got himself mixed up in some DRAMA when he started dating Teddy's other brother's (we shall call him Paul) friend's wife. Got it? So Paul has a friend who is married, and then John comes along and starts dating Paul's friend's wife. Eventually the wife (we shall call her Yoko) gets divorced and marries John. Now John and Yoko have one kid together and one on the way.

Teddy and I tried to remain Switzerland on the whole thing and never took sides, because I think the whole thing is fucked up and I don't think anyone was totally right or totally wrong in the situation. We continued to be friends and then we went to visit them in April of 2008, after that we have not heard ONE PEEP from them in almost two years. We don't have any clue as to why and we have sent packages for our niece, mailed cards, sent emails, and left voice mails, and NOTHING.

Over the Holidays Teddy's parents mentioned that John and Yoko wanted to come visit over MLK Holiday. We thought nothing of it and assumed they were just humoring Teddy's parents. WELL, last night we get a message from John saying " Hey it's John. We want to know if we can come over the weekend before Martin Luther King Day. Call me back....well maybe not tonight, call me tomorrow during the day." Ummm what now? No mention of the fact he hasn't talked to us in almost TWO YEARS. What the fucking fuck?

I sort of want to TOTALLY ignore the call and stir up some DRAMA because Teddy's parents would be pissed (because they want to come too and have a big family reunion), but I told Teddy I want to take the high road and call back and just ask WHAT THE FUCK? What would you do?

bikini or bust

2010-01-04T11:33:00.000-08:00

My resolution of wearing a bikini for my 10 year anniversary has really helped me get back onto the health wagon! I would say since October I haven't been really committed to eating well, although I have continued to run. I started this journey in May 2008 when one day at work I got on the scale and I weighted 191 (I'm 5'2"). That was the same weight I was when I was 9 months pregnant with my son.

One of the things that still surprises me is I still feel fat. I know my BMI is now in the "normal" category and I don't think anyone would say a size 6 is fat, but I feel fat. When I go jogging I wonder if people in cars passing me think nasty thoughts about how I should probably run faster, or if they poke fun at me for being a chubby girl running (although at 7AM this morning I wouldn't have blamed them because I was wearing purple running tights, light purple shorts, a bright blue jacket and rainbow leg warmers...it was COLD).

I have never in my life worn a bikini and my new goal is really something I'm looking forward to attaining. I think I need to lose a bit more weight, but I definitely need to start working on toning. I think a lifetime of being overweight and a 9.2 lb baby has lead to a mushy stomach. I'm really feeling happy and motivated to have a new goal, and I started 2010 with a 10 mile run so I think I'm on my way to that bikini. I have told myself that getting into that bikini should be the last of "feeling fat" or always assuming I'm the fat girl in the room (Do you guys do that? Do you look around to see if you are the fattest girl in the room? I know it is not healthy but I was the fattest girl in the room a lot of times. Maybe this is a phenomenon of only overweight people).

I'm looking forward to working on my resolutions throughout the year, and I hope to keep you guys updated on my progress. Next up, digging out my yarn and seeing if I remember how to knit.

They say you want a resolution.

2009-12-31T06:38:00.000-08:00

I know a lot of people don't believe in making New Year's resolutions, but it really appeals to me in the sense that I love making lists, and I love resolving to do stuff. I have been thinking about my resolutions for a couple of weeks now and I really wanted to get them out there in the universe and make a sincere effort to do them. I am also trying NOT to make resolutions for too many things, or things that would take too much time away from my family.

Without further ado:

1. Run a half marathon
2. Finish a 10K in less than 60 minutes
3. Finish a 5K in less than 30 minutes
4. Wear a bikini on the beach (for the first time EVER) on our 10 year anniversary (August 2010), and look good doing it.
5. Take a yoga class
6. Start knitting again, and at least make some more coffee cup cozies.
7. Say "yes" more
8. teach Eli to swim
9. Play in the Gulf of Mexico with Eli and Teddy
10. Have more sex

I also want to update a meme I did last year, since I had to change blogs I'll just update this year's answers in red.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Committed to a healthier way of eating. Started this blog.
Started THIS blog because THAT blog got hijacked by creepy stalker.
Ran two 10Ks.
Wore a bathing suit without wanting to die of embarrassment.
Started and maintained a exercise routine (going on 9 months of running 4x a week)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I really can't remember if I made any resolutions last year, if I did it was probably to lose weight because I say that pretty much every year. So I will pretend that was my resolution and say that I kept it.

This year my resolution is two fold 1. Lose 20 lbs and keep it off! and 2. Be more thoughtful. I would really like to be more thoughtful in everything I do, including things I purchase, things I eat, things I say and do etc.

I would say I kept half of my resolutions because on 1/5/2009 I weighed 154.2 (I keep a journal of my weight) and today I weigh 131 (up 3 lbs from my lowest 128). I have successfully lost and kept off 23 lbs from then, overall I have lost 60 lbs from my highest weight.

Being more thoughtful is something I would still like to accomplish and I don't think I have made as much of an effort as I would like.

I would also like to be clear about my feelings and my expectations, without being judgemental or hurtful.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Some college friends of mine

I don't think so, but currently one of my best friends and both of my SILs are pregnant.
ETA: My sister reminded me I have 3 SILs, SO I should say two of my three SILs are pregnant.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No
No

5. What countries did you visit?

Um Countries? None, but we did have a couple of nice trips. We went to Alabama and Virginia and took several trips to the NJ Shore.

Yeah, I'm guessing going to a different country isn't going to happen in 2010 either.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Well since we are moving this year (even if we don't move to AL we will move to a new apartment)I will say a bathtub and a dishwasher, also sanity

YAY. We have everything I wanted, except maybe the sanity. I would like a job that I like and that makes me happy.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Eli's birthday. I am always amazed I made it another year. When Eli was first born I didn't think I would survive to see him turn six months old, so on his birthday I am always grateful to have made it another year.

The month of August will be a big memory for me because that was the month Eli turned 3, Teddy and I had our 9 year anniversary, and we moved from Hoboken, NJ back to AL. It was a very stressful, but happy time.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Losing 30 lbs.

I would say losing another 20 lbs and keeping it off, also moving two adults one child, one dog, and two cats across the country and never completely losing my shit. (not to say I didn't lose my shit, just not COMPLETELY)

Running in two 10Ks.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I can't think of one thing in particular. The thing I most commonly think I am failing at is parenting.

The things I most often think about as failures are the times I lose my patience with Eli. When I yell, when I grab for his skinny little arms to stop him for doing something, those are the times I think about and regret.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No
No

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Right now the only thing I can think of is the Scholastic DVD collection we bought Steamboat because it has kept us sane over this two week break!

The best investment of the year was a personal DVD player I bought Eli for his birthday. It has been a life saver on plane trips, and many a dinner out we would like to enjoy without entertaining a 3 year old!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mine. So far I have survived in a crappy job and remained calm and professional (most of the time).

Teddy. He is the only reason I'm able to stay sane. Through out this last year with the move and the job hunt I have been a vibrating ball of anxiety and he is the only reason I haven't gone over the deep end (oh and Xanax, I love you too)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I had one of the people I supervise quit without notice and then badmouthed me for no reason, it sucked.

Unfortunately lots of people. I was commenting on someone's blog recently that I try to be a thoughtful person, and in doing so sometimes I have too high expectations for other people and can easily be disappointed. I need to quit assuming that everyone thinks about things as much as I do, and I need to worry less about others feelings.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent and daycare, hands down.

Again, rent and daycare but we also spent tons of money on our recent move.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

This years election.

I was really excited about our move and our new (rental) house.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

I Never Go to Work- TMBG. Eli's favorite song and we had to listen to it all.the.time.

That is hard to say, I'm not a "song" person. I like the same songs I liked 10 years ago, if it isn't on the Journey greatest hits CD I probably haven't heard it.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier
Happier

b) thinner or fatter? Thinner
Thinner

c) richer or poorer? Richer and poorer, we make more money but our rent and daycare increased.
POORER

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I spent more time enjoying my family, and less time worried they would die, get sick, fall off the earth etc.

I wish I had spent more time being content.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worry. I worry all the time, I wish I could knock it off.

Same. Same. Worry. I am a constant worrier. I worry about things that probably won't ever happen, it tends to really be a damper on my life.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We spent Christmas at home this year, it was great until the part when my mom showed up.

We had a great big family Christmas just like I wanted. My mom, sister, and her family showed up at 7AM on Christmas morning and we opened presents for hours, played games, and ATE. It was perfect.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

I am constantly falling in love with Teddy and Eli (barf, I know)

I love my husband and my kid more every day.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

It is too hard to list just one so: LOST, Friday Night Lights, The Office, Scrubs

Those are still my favorite shows.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I don't think so, I think I hate all the same people

I like last years answer.

24. What was the best book you read?

I can't remember all the books I read this year but this week I read Marley and Me and The Hour I First Believed. I really enjoyed both of them.

I read a lot so it is always hard for me to remember but I think the books I most enjoyed this year were The Time Travelers Wife and The Lovely Bones.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I have started listening to way more kids band then I ever thought I would and have found some awesome music! I love the Jellydots, The Terrible Twos, Francis England, Elizabeth Mitchell, and of course Mr. Leebot!

This year has been the year of Caspar Babypants. Eh, must remember to listen to adult music at some point.

26. What did you want and get?

My Advent calender was the most awesome gift of all time!

I also advocated for myself to get a raise, which I got (although technically I haven't seen it in my paycheck yet...)

The second annual Advent Calenderlooza was awesome!
I wanted Teddy to get into PhD school, and he did.

27. What did you want and not get?

I wanted a big family Christmas and instead got my mom
I wanted a job that made me happy (or at least didn't make me UNhappy)

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I don't think I saw a movie that was released in 2008 so it is hard to say. I watched some Christmas movies on Lifetime and Hallmark channel that were pretty funny even thought I'm not sure they were supposed to be.

I don't really like movies, and last night I was having a conversation with my niece and nephew about movies and the last movie I remember REALLY liking was Little Miss Sunshine, when was that?

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Teddy and I took the day off work and spent it roaming around NYC, I went to Old Navy and got some Cold Stone ice cream. I turned 32 and Teddy turned 42.

My dad came and took us out to dinner and I ate a lot of cake, he also bought us a lawnmower. That was pretty cool. I turned 33 and Teddy turned 43.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If my job didn't suck donkey balls.
Finding a job that didn't suck donkey balls.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

I lost some weight so all my clothes are too big.

I bought a bunch of size 6 clothes and DAMMIT I'm going to wear them and not get too fat for them!

32. What kept you sane?

My husband. Definitely. And wine.

Teddy. Wine. Xanax. In that order.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Mmm I already did a whole post on who I fancy.

I fancy Justin Timberlake. I want to fancy him in dirty ways.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I was very concerned about women's issues during this years presidential campaign. Sarah Palin terrified me.

I worry about health care, especially since I work in health care and I see so many uninsured patients.

35. Who did you miss?

I missed my sister and my brother in law and my niece and nephew. I also missed my friends who used to live here and moved (because they suck).

I think 2010 is the year of not having to miss people because they are all right.here. and that is pretty awesome.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I started hanging out with some new people from work. They are awesome, I love gay men!

Ashley and Lee. They are great people.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

People respect you more if you are not fat.

Ditto, AND I respect myself more when I'm exercising and eating well.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"I like big butts and I can not lie"

"I'm on a boat motherfuckers"

I can't ever take quoting song lyrics seriously.

Bad Carma

2009-12-30T07:40:00.000-08:00

I have bad Carma. That is bad luck with cars. I swear a huge part of the reason we moved to NJ was because I thought it would be so charming and fun to not have a car, and it was in a lot of ways. When we decided to move back I was excited about the prospect of buying my first new car, and getting to pick out WHATEVER I wanted. I did research and I picked a pretty color and I got a loan and put a down payment down and although I love my Olive (the car's name) it has turned out to be a huge pain in the ass.

Let me back up and tell you my history with cars. When we moved to NJ I had already been through 3 of them. The first was a Dodge Shadow that was totaled when someone rear ended me (ha ha ha) on a bridge. The second was a convertible Dodge Shadow that had the rag top slashed 1x for just jerky vandalism and 1x to steal the car radio. The same car had all four tires slashed by a jerk who I broke up with, and I ran into my mother's car and my friend's car with it, and it ended up breaking down on a lonely country road and Teddy and I had to walk about a mile to a pay phone and call my dad and then wait about 2 hours on the side of the road for him to come get us. After that my in laws lent us their Celebrity which was an old white station wagon that I kinda liked. That car was totalled when someone T-Boned me (ha ha ha) after running a red light. ANNNNNNNNNNNNNDddd then we moved and I swore off cars.

In August when we bought our new car I thought that surely my luck must be better and that having a NEW car would solve a lot of our problems. Well I was WRONG. Since we got the car, Teddy has gotten a speeding ticket, a squirrel chewed through the transmission harness and I got to pay almost 900$ to have it fixed (our insurance did reimburse us 400$), and then yesterday a nice lady in a gigantic SUV ran into my car in a parking lot. It wasn't bad enough to report, just a small black smudge from her bumper and a tiny dent, but it was still my BEAUTIFUL NEW CAR. The lady felt so bad, and she was really nice because she waited around for me for about 45 minutes until I came back to my car....but still.

I have a weird thing about thinking things ALWAYS happen in threes. If something bad happens I find myself being anxious just KNOWING that two more bad things are going to happen. The other day I broke my watch when I was taking it off, and then later that day the button ripped off my coat and I JUST KNEW something else was going to break. The next day I accidentally broke the handle off my coffee mug and Teddy said "hey! it's the third thing!" and I was so relieved because it wasn't something I really cared about.

Anyway, all that was just to say that I am really hoping that the third thing has passed and now I can get over my bad Carma.

wrap up

2009-12-28T14:45:00.001-08:00

I got this fun tea cup on Christmas Eve. I love the pattern, but I'm not crazy about how it says "tea time" on it. I do not like it when words are on designs.

The last day was a gift certificate to TCBY. I love me some frozen yogurt!

Christmas was great and we had a really good time. The whole week leading up to and including Christmas and the day after was filled with food, fun, and family and it was really perfect. I now have to come back to reality and check my credit card statements (yikes) and I started Weight Watchers in earnest again today because I have gained 6.5 lbs since Thanksgiving (yikes). (I read somewhere that 8 lbs is the typical holiday weight gain)

I am HUNGRY for the first time in WEEKS. I have been shoving food in my face whenever I felt like it since Thanksgiving and right now I'm hungry and cranky about it. I threw out all the candy we had left in the house and now I want to go guzzle the remaining egg nog and search for any stray candy canes...

I hope you had a nice holiday and if you didn't, I hope 2010 brings something better.

Christmas Eve Eve

2009-12-23T15:18:00.001-08:00

Kitchen timer. I did not have one, and I think this one is super cool and retro looking. The kid on the right is my kid, the kid on the left came with the frame.
These bowls are tiny, I know you can't tell that but they are super cute and tiny and I want to be a person that cooks and puts my spices in these tiny bowls, but I honestly don't see that happening.

I love Christmas Eve Eve. It has all the hope and excitement with out the feeling of ennui I get when the actual holiday rolls around and then I'm sad that it is almost over....I'm like that, half way through Christmas morning I typically start feeling depressed...

I'm gonna go ahead and hop on the bandwagon:

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
Egg Nog. Definitely. I love egg nog more than a little and I could drink a quart of it in one sitting, but then I usually get sick to my stomach...AND that is why I only let myself drink it one day a year (usually Christmas Eve).

2. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Wrapping paper. I think gift bags are sort of lame, although I have used them because I sort of suck at wrapping gifts.

3. Real tree or artificial?
I love real trees, but this year I have a real tree and a seven foot purple artificial tree my dad bought me.

4. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
Colored lights and the more the better. I also really like the old school big light bulb colored lights.

5. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
We like LOTS of colored lights and then all the ornaments we have collected since we got married. It is kind of a hodge podge and there is no theme or color scheme.

6. Do you hang mistletoe?
No.

7. Do you have a nativity scene?
No. I don't consider myself Christian so that is not something I have. I was telling Teddy I thought a funny thing to do would be to go around town on Christmas Eve and dress up every one's yard Nativity scenes like Santa and the Reindeer (here in Alabama there are lots of yard Nativity scenes). It would be my pretend anti-Religion statement, but I'm not actually anti-religious and I wouldn't really want to hurt any one's feelings, it was more that I thought it would be funny ( I know my sense of humor is weird).

8. Mail or email Christmas cards?
I don't like email Christmas cards, or Birthday cards...I think they are lame. Except for these:

9. What is your favorite holiday dish?
Meringue cookies. I love them so much.

10. Favorite Holiday memory as a child?
The year I got a Cabbage Patch doll. I remember I wanted one REALLY bad and I knew they were hard to come by. I remember opening all my presents and being really happy with what I had gotten but a little sad I hadn't gotten the doll, but my parents brought out the box last and I was so excited. (I later found out my uncle got the doll "off the back of a truck" it was New Jersey and he was involved with some bad dudes, but whatever, I got my doll)

11. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I honestly don't really remember and to this day I have never told my parents that I don't believe in Santa Clause. I think I still do, I definitely believe in the spirit of the Holidays.

12. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
Yes, one small gift on Christmas Eve and the rest of the gifts Christmas morning.

13. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
I would say both, before I had a kid I really liked bundling up and snuggling inside. Then I had a kid who needs fresh air and exercise and staying in for days because the snow is a disgusting soggy mess is no fun, and trying to push a stroller over the giant mountains where the snow plows shoved all the snow sucks!

14. Have you ever recycled a gift?
Honestly, I don't think so unless I have specifically said "Hey, I got this gift I don't like. Do you want it?"

15. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
I like the spirit of giving. We try to give to charities during this time of year and teach our son about doing things for people less fortunate. I also like presents.

16. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?

chocolate chip meringue cookies

17. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
listening to Christmas music and drinking egg nog on Christmas Eve.

18. What tops your tree?
I have never found anything I really like. Although I really want her cool retro star!

19. Favorite Christmas Show?
Elf.

20. Saddest Christmas Song?
I'm not sure it is actually a "Christmas" song but that song Same Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg. They play it ALL the time around the Holidays and it is depressing.

21. What is your favorite Christmas Holiday Song?
Mmm that is hard to say. I love the Charlie Brown Christmas CD and the Elf CD. We start listening to Christmas music on Thanksgiving and I'm always sad when it is over.

Behind

2009-12-21T15:29:00.000-08:00

Elf soundtrack.

Dark chocolate and chili bar....Sounds gross, but SO GOOD.

Ugly doll picked out by Eli.

Starbucks gift card.

So um...The Hangover. I liked it. I didn't think it was GREAT or HILARIOUS but I liked it. I think so many people told me it was the FUNNIEST THING LIKE OMG EVER that I just expected too much. Honestly, I though Harold and Kumar go to White Castle was funnier, and now you know how sophisticated my movie tastes are. I HATE when people at parties or get togethers ask you for favorite movies and other people are saying To Kill a Mockingbird (I did really like the book) or Amelie or whatever and the best thing I can come up with is probably Grease. I know.

Speaking of being a dumb ass, the InExile family is going to have to start for reals budgeting money AND not eating like frat boys starting in January. It isn't going to be a fun month but my spending AND my eating is out of control. I seriously need to reel it in!

I'm also thinking of some things I'd like to put out there in the universe that I'd like to accomplish in 2010. I'll get to it soon...

trees

2009-12-17T16:22:00.001-08:00

Peeps are one of my most favorite things in the world. When I consider being a vegetarian the thought of not eating marshmallows makes me REALLY sad. The other thing I think I would really miss: hot dogs. (EDIT: the deal with marshmallows and vegetarianism is that marshmallows are typically made with gelatin which is made from animal products)
Teddy got me a tiny fiber optic tree for my desk. Isn't it cute? I'm warming up to my new job and I actually went today from 8-5 and felt pretty good about it...now if I could just get paid vacations and some insurance we would really be cooking
We had a cookie making party last night. It was very fun, and Eli is good at decorating cookies!
I'm going to watch The Hangover in about 1 hour. It better be as funny as y'all keep telling me because I'm not a movie watcher but you said it was funny so I'm gonna give it a shot.

Love and tiny birds

2009-12-15T16:11:00.000-08:00

Calender from the place Teddy and I got engaged. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Plastic birds you stick on the wall that I insist on calling "installation art."

Birds stuck on the wall that I absolutely LOVE.

Tiny bird Post-Its. I have a definite thing for birds, I will have to do a photo essay of all the bird stuff in my house soon.

Sometimes I get absolutely stuck on something and I have such tunnel vision on that one.thing. I have a hard time seeing anything else. Lately that thing has been work. I have been feeling depressed and rejected about my job hunt, and it has been hard for me to focus on anything else. I think that having somewhere to go everyday, even though it isn't ideal, and even though I'm still looking for work, has opened up my eyes a little to see all the good things.

One of my gifts was a calender from the place Teddy and I got engaged almost 10 years ago. He is definitely a winner. The next day he got me these tacky plastic birds that I have wanted for MONTHS and then today he spent his day hanging them on the wall so they would be just right when I got home. I am very lucky.

I also want to say thank you to you guys that commented on my job post and you were really very nice and not one person said "HEY Shut your face you got a job and that is what you have been whining about all this damn time!" even though you might have wanted to. So. Thanks, you're nice.

What's your favorite color?

2009-12-12T06:30:00.000-08:00

Dark chocolate and mint 3 Musketeers minis.

Earrings made from recycled magazines.

Buddy the Elf Holiday card, that talks.

Starbucks ( I know, my love has no bounds) acrylic coffee cup with screw on lid and straw for homemade ice coffees.

Bullets:

My job is definitely good and bad. It is good in that it has relieved a lot of my stress about finances, but bad because I feel resentful that I don't think I'm being paid what I deserve, but who is? I am doing counseling for people who are newly diagnosed with HIV. The grant I'm working for pays for 6 sessions per newly diagnosed patient. There are other bits and pieces to the job too, but that is the main responsibility.
I had wanted to do a 12K today but I was too lazy to sign up and drive an hour at 6 in the morning so I just did one on my own. It took me 1:08, which I didn't think was awful.
Elf is my very favorite Holiday movie ever.
The cookie and candy eating is out of control...I definitely think once you start it is harder to stop.
We finally got Eli to agree to a picture with Santa for our Holiday cards, but we had to agree to be in the picture with him. We went to the mall today and had the picture taken and now I don't want to send it out because I think I look fat. The fat hatred just never stops.

Jolly contract

2009-12-08T15:36:00.001-08:00

I started a new contract job today. I haven't mentioned it because I originally interviewed in OCTOBER. I went to a follow up interview in November, and finally was called back in December to come to ANOTHER follow up interview last week. I really was never sure anything was actually going to come of it.

I feel really guilty because I know I should be grateful to be working, but instead I'm pouting. I'm pouting because the pay is about 15K less than my old job. I'm pouting because I am working with HIV patients again, and I was hoping to move on to something else. I'm pouting because they agreed to one number and then EMAILED me yesterday and said it would be 3 dollars an hour less than that. I'm pouting because it is a contract job so I get no benefits. I'm pouting because I have a Masters Degree and I'm working a temp job.

I KNOW that this is good. I understand having more money is better than having less. I guess I just thought that with my experience something really good would come along, but times are tough and we all have to do what we have to do. I am grateful to have an income and to be able to pay my bills and make my student loan payments. I am grateful to have some pressure taken off me and now I can keep looking for a really great job. I'm grateful to have more money coming in before Santa Holiday and now I don't have to worry about buying gifts for my kid. I am grateful to be out of the house and feeling productive even though I believe I could do so much more. I am grateful to be able to afford to pay for the school my kid loves.

I am grateful. Really. I'm just sort of sad too.

coffee buddies

2009-12-07T16:24:00.000-08:00

Friday's prize was this Christmas Starbucks Coffee. Have I ever told you about my obsession with Starbucks coffee? Well I love coffee, every morning the first thing I do is stagger from my bed to the coffee pot and pour a cup of coffee, before I shower, before I eat, it is all about the coffee! Well over the years we have tried to support our local coffee shops and honestly I have never liked their coffee as much as Starbucks. When we lived in NJ we literally lived 2 blocks from a Starbucks, I could be from my front door to coffee time in five minutes. Now that we live in the middle of Alabama there is ONE Starbucks in our town and it isn't even a proper Starbucks , it is a smaller one in the student union on campus. Every Sunday we walk 30 minutes to get a cup of Starbucks coffee. We are sad consumerists...
Can you find the coffee in the tree? How about my gigantic cat?
Today's prize was what Teddy called the Christmas buddies. I like them very much but forgot to shove them in the tree and take their picture and well....it is too late now. Sunday's prize was a few candies stolen from Eli's Advent Calendar and shoved into mine, I didn't bother with a picture of those.

Saturday I ran a 10K. It was fun but a REALLY hard route and I finished in 1:01:something, this was better than my previous time of 1:04:something, but I was a little bummed to not get under an hour. Ehh maybe next time.

Oh, I picked out my Holiday cards today and it made me very happy to get cards that only say "Happy Holidays" this makes Teddy's parents NUTS which makes me very happy. Last year I sent similar cards out and one of my friends sent me a facebook message saying she liked our very "PC" card. I consider myself Agnostic so I like neutral cards and I typically say we celebrate Santa Holiday, not the birth of Jesus...ANYWAY I like my cards to be neutral so I can send them to my Christian friends as well as my non Christian friends....BUT I wonder now if it would be more in the SPIRIT to send Christmas cards to my friends I know celebrate a Christian Holiday...or maybe I'm just thinking WAY to much about some damn cards...

outfit completed

2009-12-04T10:05:00.000-08:00

(can you find the shirt in the tree?)

Now I have a whole outfit to wear tomorrow, awesome! Let's see...how are things here today? I got a text message from a friend of mine at my old job telling me they found out today they are all getting 10% pay cuts. It just seems like it is BAD news all the time, I need a good story about an old man and his kitten friend OR you know what my favorites stories are...the mismatched animal buddies, oh I love those...like that gorilla and that tiny orange cat. Those are my favorite. Teddy brought home a book once about a baby hippopotamus and a giant turtle that become friends, if that doesn't make you happy then you are just dead inside (I found the book here, it is called Owen and Mzee).

I'm trying to think of happy things so I was trying to come up with my favorite Christmas present and the thing I first thought of was this awesome Pioneer stereo my dad bought me and then I chastised myself for thinking only of material things and I decided to think of my favorite Holiday memory and I think it is from the year Teddy and I started dating and that year we played the most awesome game of football in the rain on Thanksgiving and then at Christmas we had this GIANT bucket of beads and we sat around for HOURS making key chains and tacky ornaments. It was awesome.

pants and a fat cat

2009-12-03T13:41:00.000-08:00

Today we have some nice fitted running pants. I wore them when I went jogging this morning and I really like them but they started kinda scrinching down after a few minutes and after a while I got tired of yanking them back up so I just left them...

Pants on the table is not so interesting so I shoved them in our tree and took the picture. It is like Where's Waldo but with black running pants, and you can see my 22 lb cat. He is an anomaly and when we took him to the vet for a shot they had to call the shot manufacturers and get approval to give him TWO shots because the one shot was for cats UP TO 15 lbs. Sigh.

Man you guys, there is not good news on the Internets lately. I have been feeling sorry for myself since I am still jobless but perusing the Internet there has been so many lay offs and bad news that it just feels like a grim Holiday Season. I sincerely hope 2010 has better things in store for all of us.

over the shoulder boulder holder

2009-12-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

Today's gift was a hot pink sports bra. This goes into the category of stuff I needed/wanted and forced Teddy to buy for me. This year with money woes I told Teddy I didn't want him to buy me a bunch of things I don't want/need which is usually sort of the point of Christmas. This weekend I'm running in a Toys for Tots 10K and it is going to be cold so a couple of the things I asked for were running gear for the cold weather....

I thought the picture of just the bra was too boring so here is a picture of the bra with our stockings (it is hanging on the middle hook).

Second Annual Advent Calenderlooza

2009-12-01T14:14:00.000-08:00

If you were around last year you remember that I got this Advent Calender and every day Teddy put a prize in it (or a clue where I can find the prize if it is too big to fit in the calender) and I took pictures of those prizes and posted them on my blog (my old blog I had to ditch due to creepy stalker) and bored all of you with them...well guess what...it is that time of year again (this time with more boring, useful gifts due to the economy)!

Today's prize was a box of Swedish Fish which I vowed to split with Eli after dinner since I am trying to do STRICT Weight Watchers this week due to the fact that my pants are getting a little tight, then I went to Target and bought some candy to put in Eli's Advent Calender and I ate a bunch of Almond M and M's so ehhh.

I've been freaking out about Christmas in general due to my persistent joblessness and today it manifested in a stomach ache so I had to lay on the couch and feel sorry for myself and then I felt guilty for not doing anything...it is fun times around here at Chez Exile lately...honestly in some ways the holidays have been a good distraction, I try to focus on doing holiday-y things with out spending too much money and it keeps my mind busy.

I have been keeping up my jogging schedule and this weekend I'm running another 10K, I'm hoping to beat my last time of 1:04:something and keep it to under an hour. It has definitely been helpful to have a stress reliever and some goals. That's all I got for today, tune in tomorrow and see what kind of practical gift I get!

(just like last year if you have any photo requests let me know)

Thanksgiving recap

2009-11-30T10:30:00.000-08:00

It was good. It really was. I think all the fretting I did about it definitely helped, because it turned out to be a great day, even with my dad, his girlfriend, and my mom.

I loved how my table turned out and I think all the decorations cost less than 20$. There was enough food to feed a small country and we even got in a game of football and Pictionary Man.

Tomorrow is December 1 which starts my second annual Advent Calender put together by Teddy. I'll post photo recaps of the prizes again, but last year Teddy was working in the East Village in Manhattan, this year we live in South Alabama. I don't know if will be able to compare.

uninvited

2009-11-23T09:23:00.000-08:00

I have been looking forward to this year's Thanksgiving for a year now. We are hosting Thanksgiving at our house and even though both of my parents will be in attendance, I was looking forward to it anyway. I have been planning my menu and my table decorations for at least a month and I couldn't wait for everyone to gather around my table and eat dinner.

I am now cranky and pouting about Thanksgiving because according to a text I got from my sister my dad has invited his girlfriend to attend as well. Honestly, I have nothing against his girlfriend, she seems fine, BUT she is only a couple of years older than my sister and MY MOTHER is going to be at dinner too. It just really bugs me that I didn't invite her and yet he took it upon himself to invite her along. It just is going to be awkward on so many levels...

The thing about my dad that just drives me nuts he always invites his girlfriends along to family celebrations. He insists we include them, and in some ways I get it..but since I have been in college there has been one fiance, one wife, and at least 3 different girlfriends. I just hate looking back over family photos and you can tell what year it is dependent on which woman is in the photo.

It is just really sucking the joy out of my preparations and it is making it hard to be "thankful." On top of that I've been in a crummy mood because...here is a shocker for you....life isn't fair!

It will all work out, and it will all be FINE, but I today I feel bloated, and headachey, and ugly and fat and moody and weepy and I actually watched a Lifetime movie last night and I have cramps...I think I must have a disease...

UGGly

2009-11-19T14:15:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking of a post about being grateful and taking pleasure in the little things, but that has been postponed due to a burning question I have. Today Teddy and I walked around our town for hours. It was so pleasant but I kept getting little bursts of irritation due to the fashion trends on campus.

Do girls in your area wear running shorts with UGGs? I think this is about the worst fashion statement since Hammer pants. It is baffling to me, why would you wear snow boots with short shorts? Is this just a Southern thing? What about 80's sunglasses? They were ugly in the 80's, they are not any better now!

Please help me, I have vowed to punch the next UGG/Nike shorts wearing girl in the face...this is not the spirit of the Holidays!

sulking

2009-11-18T11:57:00.001-08:00

I've been in a crappy mood the last two days and I have nothing positive to say. The job search is....going. I get my hopes up, and then there is some sort of weird caveat (you have to drive an hour each way, you have to be on call etc). I'm just grumpy, but next week is Thanksgiving and Teddy has the whole week off, so that should be nice.

Because I am helpful, I will give you some fire safety tips straight from Eli (not his real name).

Fire Safety from Penny InExile on Vimeo.

bullets for Friday

2009-11-13T12:43:00.000-08:00

I've got nothing new to add today but I read someone else's post today which reminded me of some stuff that I know a lot of you like that I just don't get....

For example:

Seinfeld. I've mentioned this before. I don't get it. It makes me uncomfortable because they seem to yell at each other a lot. I can't watch it without hiding my face.
Twilight or Vampires...How did Vampires become so cool all the sudden? I have never actually read Twilight so really I shouldn't judge but I'm not really into Sci-Fi kind of stuff
Down Vests. Aren't your arms cold?
Why the Sci-Fi channel felt the need to change their name to SyFy Channel. Lame.

Oh, and I also wanted to give you a Mom to English dictionary in case you ever meet my Mom.

Pandera=Panera
Liberry=Library
Furry=Ferry
Burry=Berry
Jeepy=her car which is a Jeep but she says "Jeepy" like you should know already
Rangy Tang=her cat Meringue...the name Rangy Tang makes my skin crawl

Here are some things she keeps in her house I don't get

Zip lock bags full of seashells on every flat surface (she likes the idea of seashells as knick-knack sort of things but she doesn't want them to get dusty)
a shrine to her dead dog which includes raw hide bones...which reminds me of pouring out some of your drink for your dead hommies.
a coyote skull
giant plastic bugs used as home decor
old nuts and Cinnamon sticks that she runs through the dishwasher
fake flowers pushed into pots

Please feel free to tell me about some stuff that you don't get. Here are some examples of things I like that might help you:

The Office
The Real Housewives of Wherever
pigtails
making fun of my mom online
eating till I feel sick
smoking (not recently)

AND..........go!

fat pants

2009-11-10T07:23:00.001-08:00

I recently went through my closet to get rid of all of my clothes that don't fit anymore. I took all these pants off the hangers to give away, and then after thinking about it I folded them all up and put them back in my closet. The pants are all too big. They are mostly size 10s and 8s and currently I'm in a size 6. I started in a size 16.

When we were moving I got rid of all my size 16s, 14s, and 12s. I think I would have tried to hang on to them if we weren't moving. I'm still not convinced that I'm not going to get fat again. When I was going to get a bag to put all the pants in I started thinking how crappy it would be to get fat again AND have to buy new clothes...that is when I put the pants back in the closet.

My weight loss journey is sort of on hold right now. I'm still journaling all my food, and running but I think I'm going to wait until the New Year and then try and lose the last 10 pounds. I am going to try and hold at my current weight until then.

This last weekend was my first race. I did a 10K with my sister and her husband and it was awesome. I finished in 1:04 and I was 19th out of 43 for my age/gender. I was stupidly excited to be number 19! It was such a rush to finish and to beat people who were younger and skinnier than me. I loved it, and this morning I spent time looking for the next race. I think I'm going to do a 12K in December called the 12 Ks of Christmas!

Anyway, I got off my point...the pants...what should I do with them?

don't judge me

2009-11-06T08:13:00.001-08:00

I went to the grocery store yesterday specifically to get these three things: wine, magazines, and dark chocolate. It has been a stressful few weeks.

I bought these magazines because I am looking for a perfect Thanksgiving side item. Does anyone have any recipes they want to share that are always crowd pleasers?

rough morning

2009-11-04T09:21:00.000-08:00

This morning we took Eli to the doctor for a regular checkup. He checked out just great and then he got the injustice of the H1N1 vaccine up his nose and a jab in the thigh for his regular flu shot. He seemed pretty shocked and he did the open mouth with no sound crying for a couple of seconds before he really starting balling.

We took him to school where he immediately walked in the door and then hit his head on the console thing, giving himself a huge knot. He cried about that for awhile while we applied ice and waited to see if he was OK. We took him to his classroom where he completely lost his shit because he wanted to go outside and not in his classroom. It took a few minutes to calm him down and when we finally explained it wasn't outside time we got him to go back to his classroom where he knocked his head into the doorknob and started crying again....

Man three is hard. I mean really.really.HARD. I don't know how stay at home moms do it because after this morning I was ready to toss him in the classroom and run away screaming. Everything with him is fight...he doesn't want to go to the bathroom, put his clothes on, brush his teeth, take a bath, or eat his dinner. He wants to know WHY about everything, and I can't count the number of times I've said "because I said so!"

I'm home alone now, and I have time to do laundry and clean but instead I'm sitting here worried that he doesn't have a reaction to his flu shot and I'm wondering if I should go get him...has anyone else's kids had any problems with the H1N1 mist?

NaBloPoMo No.

2009-11-02T05:55:00.000-08:00

I had really wanted to participate in NaBloPoMo this month, but honestly I feel like I just can't deal with stress of writing every.day. right now. It is sad, I know. In other not interesting news we got our first neighborly party invite in which I was 1. charmed and then 2. creeped out.

The invite was in our mailbox delivered with a bag of candy with one of those Tootsie roll ghost pop things, that I always love so I was immediately happy because you know, candy! (I want you to know I just went and dug through my trash to fish out the invite because I inadvertently threw it out this morning. It is now covered with cantaloupe juice). I read the invite and realized it was more of a courtesy invite since it was in our next door neighbor's back yard and they really just wanted us to know they were having a party so we could call if their music was too loud, which really was very thoughtful.

I continued to read and it said "there will be no alcohol served at the party. just good 'ol fashioned halloween fun." Ummm OK, I know it is probably lame to admit this, but I don't think a party is much of a party without a beer or a glass of wine or something AND what exactly is "good 'ol fashioned halloween fun?" ....BUT THEN it was signed "In the Matchless Name of Christ" hmmm what?

We did not attend. I will send a thank you for the candy note, and I asked Teddy if I could use "In the Matchless Name of Christ" as an expletive from now on...like Eli go to sleep IN THE MATCHLESS NAME OF CHRIST!

Winners!

2009-10-30T10:25:00.001-07:00

I haven't been writing much lately because I've been so stressed I think my posts would just end up sounding like this BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh. That is the sound of me having no words for the stress.

I am still job hunting, and the pickins are slim and my pets have chosen these last couple of weeks to have several hundreds of dollars worth of crisis, from flea infestations, to rashes, to UTIs to my dog having heart worms, to not having heart worms to maybe having heart worms again....It has been stressful to say the least.

BUT, but last night was the Halloween party in our town and my whole family dressed up and we won the costume contest for best group costume. If I haven't told you already I am a VERY competitive person and winning a costume contest that was made for CHILDREN made my day. I could have slam dunked a baby and went around to preschoolers yelling "in your face" I was so happy.

It was awesome that we had six adults in costume for one kid. We had Mr. and Mrs. Salt and Pepper, their baby Paprika, Mailbox, Steve, Magenta, and of course Blue! It was great and I highly recommend a good costume smack down to lift your spirits!

She's HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRREEEE

2009-10-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

If you read my sister's blog you know my mom moved to the town that we live last Friday. If you have read my blog for any amount of time you know my mom is a complete wack a doodle. I really believe my mom has a personality disorder, which means she is really, really irritating.

Having worked in the mental health profession for the last 9 years or so I can tell you that any therapist, or counselor or whoever, hates working with personality disorders because they are typically difficult people to deal with and unlike someone who has say, has an anxiety disorder, they don't think there is anything wrong with them.

My mom really believes that the most mundane details of her life should be extremely interesting to you and she will take 30 minutes to tell you a detailed story about how, for example she went to Wal-Mart to buy an ironing board, AND she will tell the story over and over and over and over and over. I'm not sure if all the drinking she did affected her memory so maybe she forgot she told you the story the first elebenty billion times BUT even if you tell her you already heard the story she will continue to tell it to you, without leaving out any of the details.

I am really trying to give her a break because I know at this point she is trying to do the right thing, but damn the women makes me crazy. Teddy and I took her to the grocery store last weekend and I am STILL annoyed at what she bought. I know that a normal person could care less about what some other person chooses to buy at the grocery store but I have spent almost a week being annoyed. She had absolutely no food in her house and she bought a pack of generic white bread and a package of generic bologna. I know you are thinking "SO WHAT?", well I know, and you are right but it makes me crazy.

She will actually buy food to EAT from the dollar store. She refuses to eat anything that is even remotely healthy and she won't even try it (and it isn't like she does it because she is poor, she just bought a 32 inch LCD TV). I'm not really sure why this is the thing that I am focusing on right now, maybe because it is easier than focusing on the fact that she was a crap mother for the last 15 or so years. I think I also partially blame her for the fact that I was fat most of my life. I know she didn't put food in my face and make me eat it, but she bought the food and it was typically crap. Once I told my husband and his brother a story that I thought was sort of funny about how when I was in high school there was about a week period where the only things edible to eat in the house were a box of fat free saltines and a crate of oranges my dad bought from some boy scouts or something. They were more horrified than amused and I realized that wasn't really a normal thing to feed your kids.

Anyway, she is here now and I have to go to her house and help her move her furniture. I am just hoping I don't end up having a seizure from all the ugly ass shit she has in her house and that she thinks is nice, for example a glittery red lobster with Christmas lights on it and a Jeep shaped cake pan she hung on the wall. Wish me luck.

Three

2009-10-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

The third year from Penny InExile on Vimeo.

My baby is three, granted he turned three in August, but it is just now hitting me. He is thisclose to being totally potty trained, he is smart, and funny, and manipulative, and wild. He has a sense of humor but HATES my knock knock jokes. He is stubborn and willful and very strongly dislikes tomato sauce. He is getting some bath toys after school today for not pooping in his pants all week (please don't let me jinx it, I'll be sadder than him if he doesn't get his prize) he says he is going to play baseball with the bigger boys when he gets older. He wants a bicycle for Christmas and he doesn't want us to hold him or carry him because he is too big. I'm thrilled he is turning into such a fun, wild little person, but I'm also a little heartbroken he isn't my baby.

The song is from Caspar Babypants (obvs it is originally a Beatles song).

bright spot

2009-10-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

Our birthdays were on Saturday and we had a really good day. We got to hang out with family all day, we had three (3!) cakes, and we got some great gifts (a trip to the beach and a lawnmower!). My brother-in -law's friend made this cake and it was super cute and it tasted really good too (red velvet). All in all, probably the best birthday we've had in several years.

that's what she said

2009-10-14T08:59:00.000-07:00

My favorite job listing today was this one:

Meat Cutter Last Updated: 10/14/2009 City: XXXXX, AL Basic Job Information: $9.40 - $10.00, Full-time Required Education: High School Diploma or Equivalent Required Experience: 0 Years 6 Months
Applicant will need minimum of 3-6 months experience. Need to know a variety of cuts of meat. This job deals mainly with Beef products

I'm not even qualified....at least for my other choice they would train me.

I have been in a horrible mood since Sunday. I had a crap day on Monday that involved my dad standing me up for breakfast, my Internet and phone being out most of the day, and Teddy getting a speeding ticket (which if you knew Teddy you would know this is a pretty big deal, I think it was his first). It has rained probably 60% of the time I have lived here, and my mood is really affected by the weather.

BAH, I have nothing positive to add and I am super grumpy. Anyone have a bill collector or an insurance agent they want me to call for them?

Invisible

2009-10-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I was feeling very down and the word that kept coming to my mind was "invisible." I feel like I'm not important, like I'm not contributing to my family or to my community and it is making me feel worthless and depressed.

I know these feelings seem really extreme, but I can't help but feeling this way. I find it hard to have a conversation because I don't believe I have anything of value to add. I find myself being easily irritated and quick to get angry at Eli. It is really not my best showing.

It seems odd to even me that all these feelings are just because I don't have a job, but obviously they are always there, somewhere it is just that working keeps me occupied and I don't have to think of these things.

Honestly, it is also about the money. I wanted to buy my husband his own computer to use while he is getting his PhD, but I can't afford it right now. Eli has been asking us to take him to the beach and I want too, I really want too, but I just can't take a vacation without a job. Teddy wants a bicycle to ride to school, and again, I just can't afford it.

I have applied for jobs I'm qualified for, jobs I'm over qualified for, and jobs I'm probably under qualified for and...nothing. My self esteem is taking a hit and I don't feel like I'm having much fun lately. It will pass. I know it will, but I keep wondering if Christmas is going to roll and around and be pretty bleak because I still haven't found a job.

I just need to have some hope, and when I go jogging I try repeat that word to myself...hope... as some sort of mantra and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Yesterday it didn't.

But...BUT, yesterday wasn't ALL bad, when I was making Eli's super nutritions dinner of frozen fish sticks, I saw this:

That is my lost wedding band at the bottom of the fish sticks box.

unrelated

2009-10-08T13:46:00.001-07:00

I forgot to tell you guys about how Teddy TOTALLY stole my thunder at MY reunion. We got to the reunion and there was two girls I went to high school with (Teddy did not go to high school anywhere near where I did) greeting everyone and handing out name tags at the door. They greeted me and I turned to introduce them to Teddy and they were like "OH MY GOD WE KNOW, IT IS [BAND NAME] AND [OTHER BAND NAME]" Then they proceeded to GUSH and hug him and talk about how he was FAMOUS. UGH. I love my husband more than anyone in the world but DUDE. DUDE. I was there looking HOT and he totally stole my stoplight. (oh and for the record he was only famous in the college town we lived, but there he was totally awesome. Free beer all the time...when you are 22 and broke that was the best)

The college town we live in has a shuttle bus that goes around and picks students up for class. The other day Teddy and I were out for a walk and we were walking past the bus stop and it totally stopped for US. I was very excited and felt young and pretty.

This just creeps me out.

That is a bird, in case you couldn't tell and he is eating EGGS for breakfast. That just seems wrong to me.

holding

2009-10-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

My goal from now until January is to just NOT gain weight. These next couple of months are really hard for me food wise because I love the holidays (I'm totally counting Halloween as "the holidays" too) and I love all the food that comes with it. I love candy and pumpkin anything (minus those pumpkin shaped candy corn things-yuck!).

I have already made these pumpkin muffins, and these pumpkin brownies (I'm not sure why they are called brownies, it was more like cake to me) (I also made the brownies without the frosting and it was still really good). Teddy has a party we have to go to on Friday and I'm making the pumpkin brownies again, WITH the frosting and I'm definitely having some.

My dad is coming to visit this weekend and I'm sure we will go out to eat a couple of times, I will still make BETTER choices but eating out is always difficult. It is my birthday over the weekend and I want CAKE, real cake...not whole wheat healthy cake, but cake with fat and sugar and YUM.

I will keep up my running schedule and my Weight Watchers journaling even if I go over my allotted points. I have a race I want to actually do well in a month from now and I think after that I will have to decide on another "health" goal to keep myself going. I'm hoping that portion control, exercise, and journaling will keep me from putting on any pounds in the next couple of months.

How do you keep from gaining weight over the holidays?

Reunified

2009-10-06T06:36:00.000-07:00

(this really isn't a great picture but atleast you can see the dress on, but you can't see my shoes, which were really the best part)

We went to my reunion over the weekend, and it was fun, but not FUN. A very good friend of mine from high school flew out from the mid west to attend and I was really excited to get to see her. When we got to the reunion she was already a little tipsy and an hour later she had to be carried out. I was embarrassed for her, and it was sad because it didn't seem like this was the first time that sort of thing had happened. It kinda put a damper on the whole evening.

It was really weird when we got up the next morning to just go get breakfast and not not have to try and entertain a 3 year old while eating. It was also very weird to lay in bed till 8:30 and have no real pressing reason to get up.

I really loved my dress and we have to go to a party at one of Teddy's professors this Friday so I think I'll wear it to that as well. This Saturday is also OUR birthdays (Teddy and I have the same birthday, but we are 10 years apart). We don't have any plans, except my plan of convincing someone to buy me a cake from Cold Stone and then eating it.

firsts

2009-10-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

I signed up for my first race. I am very excited. It is a 10K on November 7th. I was never really interested in running a race, but now since I don't have a job it is nice to have a goal.
I am leaving Eli for the night for the first.time.ever. to go to my high school reunion this weekend. I have gone into his room every night for the last three years and checked on him, and made sure his covers were pulled up, and it will be weird to spend the night without him. It will be pretty nice for the first time in three years to NOT get up at 7 AM if I don't feel like it. It isn't that I don't think he'll be JUST FINE, better than fine actually, it is more that *I* won't be the one there doing the stuff, making his dinner, getting him ready for bed etc. He'll be with his aunt and uncle and they will have fun together and I doubt he'll even really miss us, but I'll miss him. (must remember to put out his insurance card and list of pre approved organic, sugar free snacks)
I need to get measured for a bra. I never have been properly measured but after some trials and tribulations I settled into a 36 C for a very long time. Now, after having lost almost 60 lbs (whooo hooo) my boobs have gotten smaller and I'm guessing my...uhh...circumference(?) is smaller too. I have tried to get smaller sizes but I keep getting it wrong, but I'm still too embarrassed to get sized. I keep imagining some tiny teenage girl measuring me at Victoria's Secret and then texting to her BFF what a loser I am after I leave....any suggestions?

too much?

2009-09-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

I graduated from high school 15 years ago (yikes!), this weekend is our first reunion. When I graduated I was a sad, chubby girl (size 10) whose boyfriend of 2 years just inexplicably broke up with her. I had no plans to go to college and I was really confused about what I was going to do.

Now I'm a sad 32 year-old with an amazing husband and the world's cutest kid. I have no job so I'm embarrassed about that, but I plan on dazzling them with my new body and my super cute shoes, but I'm afraid they may be a bit too stripper, but maybe I don't care.

I took the shoes outside to take their picture because I wanted you to see that they are a deep purple color, not black.
This dress definitely looks much cuter than this on, it reminds me a little of MadMen so I think it is sexy.

This was almost my favorite part of the dress. I originally tried on a size 8, but it was too big. HOLY SHIT. I came out of the dressing room and loudly said "this is too big, Teddy will you please go get me a size 6." I was so excited. The dressing room attendant and her boyfriend seemed unimpressed.

I really wanted to get a dress from Anthropologie, but I just felt too guilty about the money, so I ended up getting this dress from Target and the shoes from Kohls. I am happy with them, and I think they are going to look pretty good, although the shoes may be a bit too much...

SPOILER ALERT: I didn't die

2009-09-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

Oh my GAWD Y'all, I thought I was going to die Saturday night. I can just now talk about it without feeling all queasy and anxious. I'm about to go into TMI so if you don't like body fluids go ahead and check out now. I would suggest some pictures of kittens.

Anyway, my stomach had been a little off for a couple of days and really I didn't think much of it, sometimes that happens to me before I get my period. I honestly hadn't been making the best food choices and I was over indulging so I figured that had something to do with it also. Saturday we had a great day and hung out with my sister and Mr. P and then went to my holy land (Target) and then got to see and hang out with some old friends. It really was a great day and Teddy volunteered to go get us some greasy southern food that he loves, and I was in such a good mood I agreed.

I ate some grilled chicken...but then I had fried green tomatoes, fried okra, a piece of cornbread and Eli's left over macaroni and cheese. It was so delicious. Oh man, and then around 10:30 that night the dying started. I had stomach cramps so bad they honestly felt worse then when I was in labor. They would start, hit an awful peak and then start to subside, I could feel the pain from my head to my toes...I was starting to Lamaze breath and when I could get off the toilet I walked the halls just like I did when I was in labor. It went on ALL.NIGHT. Never in my life have I had something like that, I can not type big enough how PAINFUL it was. It finally subsided around 7:30 Sunday morning, but now I'm afraid to eat and have been sticking to pretty bland stuff for the last few days.

I have now consulted with Dr. Google and diagnosed myself with IBS. I think I need to start a foundation or maybe have a fund raiser for myself. It is almost as good as having Restless Leg Syndrome. The really crappy thing is I get so anxious about any sort of stomach issue I automatically make it 10 times worse by freaking out. Sometimes it is super fun to be me.

help me and maybe I'll stop telling you what I do every day.

2009-09-17T13:23:00.001-07:00

I know you are just DYING to know what I did today...well, OK I'll tell you. First I painted my bathroom. It is very hard to make a pink bathroom with a blue toilet look good, but I think it at least looks better.

The picture above is from when the previous tenants were still living in the house.
Then I did my daily Internet search for jobs. I didn't really find much of anything, but I did mention the following opening to Teddy and he said he didn't think he would let me take that job. Now I sort of want to apply.

Working with patients who require foot care, trimming nails and corns and callouses, some paper work is required. Some experience preferred but will train. Will work Monday-Friday from 8 AM to 5 PM.

At my old job my office was located in the back, and in order to get there I had to walk through the Would Care Center. Most of the patients were diabetes patients with bad feet. When I say bad feet I mean BAD. One time I was walking by and the nurse was cleaning a wound and she had the door opened and this poor man's foot looked like a piece of pizza that someone was holding upside down and all the cheese and sauce was sliding off. It was really gross, and there is a smell. Anyway, at that point I realized I NEVER want to work with feet, so I guess I won't apply for the job even though I want too since I feel like now I've been challenged.

There is one job open that I would really like to get, I need to submit a resume and cover letter tomorrow. I think my resume is pretty good, but my cover letter could still use some work. Does anyone have some great cover letter tips or suggestions? The only one's I've gotten so far is to try and address the letter to an individual and don't start with "I." Anyone got anything else?

The last thing I did (before I wrote this post) is make some chocolate cherry oatmeal cookies. They are really good and I was able to freeze half the batter for some other time. (The recipe for the pumpkin loaf I made the other day is here).

I have been in a better mood today, because I am so happy my stories are coming back on tonight. Mainly The Office, we LOVE that show and I'm so excited it is coming back on! We have also become addicted to Glee, (we are officially Gleeks). Have you seen it?

I'm freaking Martha Stewart*

2009-09-15T14:48:00.000-07:00

*Edited to add photographic evidence of today's awesomeness.

One of the things I remember most vividly from the last time I was jobless (Aug 2000-Jan 2001) was how much NOTHING I did. Well, of course except smoke, and eat and get really fat and depressed. I think this time I am so determined to NOT go into a depression that maybe I'm over doing it. I told Teddy this morning that sometimes I just feel so insignificant but running and completing tasks makes me feel better.

It is almost 5 PM here Central Time ( I really dislike Central Time mostly because of the TV schedules, I can't seem to get used to prime time coming on at 7 PM) and here are the things I've done so far:

jogged 5.5 miles

primed the doors and closet doors in my room and Eli's room ( and when Eli got home he promptly asked me to put them back to brown. sigh.) (6 doors total)

showered (this is something worth putting on the list to me because I don't really like to shower, I don't know why)

went and had a pedicure ( this seemed sort of indulgent, but since jogging is really the only thing left I have to do I like keeping my feet in good shape)

went grocery shopping

made Pumpkin Bread from scratch for Eli and Teddy (they LOVE the Starbucks Pumpkin Loaf so I tried to make them a healthy (er) version. It is good but it isn't so moist and delicious like the Starbucks version
cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes

picked up Eli from daycare, picked up Teddy from work
ate shitload of HEALTHY pumpkin bread.

Before you know it I will be decoupaging things and organizing my spices alphabetically. It is a good thing.

confessions

2009-09-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

I lost my wedding band. This is making me very, very grumpy. I HATE losing things and it makes me feel irresponsible to lose something. I am very judgey when other people lose things and think that "if they were more organized ..." etc, they wouldn't lose things. I put it on before I went to pick up Eli from daycare on Friday and that evening I noticed it was gone. It was too big since I have lost weight and I think it just slipped off.
I have been smoking. No more than one cigarette a day, and not every day, but still it is a slippery slope and I have to knock it off. I have been using cigarettes to get through the monotony of my day, I think "oh I"ll just go out back and have a cigarette on the swing" and then I always feel like crap afterwards.
I have been indulging in too much "retail therapy." Buying things makes me happy, it always does. I have been buying stuff for our house that I really shouldn't be until I have a job, but this weekend I bought curtains for our bedroom (at Target) and honestly they do make me feel better, but I still feel bad about spending the money. I have bought all of us clothes at Old Navy, I bought Eli pajamas from Kohls and I bought entirely too much stuff at Target for our house.
I've been cheating at Weight Watchers. I have no idea why I do this, because the ONLY one who sees my WW food journal is me, but for instance if I have a peanut butter sandwich I will put "1 tablespoon of peanut butter" when I'm SURE I used way more than that. I have no idea why I do this, and it really serves no purpose...but I'm sure it explains why I'm not currently losing any weight.

Ahhh I feel better now that I've confessed. Do you have any?

How I remember it.

2009-09-11T09:30:00.000-07:00

The phone kept ringing and I was getting really annoyed, it was early and I wanted to sleep. I finally got up and answered because the person on the other line kept hanging up and calling back. It was my sister, I don't remember what exactly she said but she told me to turn on the TV.

I stumbled over the boxes still left over from our recent move and I turned the TV on. On every channel was the World Trade Center burning because a plane had just flown into it. I asked her what happened, she didn't know. While we watched the second plane flew into the second tower, I panicked...I thought we were being bombed and our new location approximately 5 miles from the World Trade Center wasn't going to fare well for us.

I told her I had to go, I needed to find my husband, he was on his way to his second week of work in Manhattan and he was on the NYC subway. What if he went through the World Trade Center that morning? I started banging on my Brother in Law's door, I told him to get up, we were being bombed. He came out and we watched the TV together. I tried and tried to call Teddy but the phone lines were too busy. We didn't have cell phones at the time, I didn't know where he was and I was scared.

Our friend who had lived down the street from us in Alabama, now by a weird coincidence lived down the street from us in NJ. Her boyfriend had gotten up that morning and gone to work in Manhattan too, she was scared and wanted to come over. She came over and I chain smoked cigarettes, we walked down to the park close to our house that over looked Manhattan. We couldn't see much because there was too much smoke, and then there was more smoke and the smell....it was a smell like gasoline and burnt plastic. The towers had fallen.

My sister was able to finally get Teddy on the phone, what in my memory seems like hours later. I cried with relief. I wanted him home, I wanted to be home, back in Alabama where things were safe and no one tried to kill you with an airplane. We waited for hours, me sitting in my bay window peering out to see if I could see Teddy. One of the big wigs from his job was going around picking up people who lived in NJ and taking them all home, they came over the GWB and I think he was home by maybe 9 PM that night. I was relieved he was home and so ANGRY that he was expected to go back to work the next day.

I was scared for a long time after that, I remember a year later when the blackout happened I started having a panic attack because I just knew someone was bombing us. I was very afraid for a long time of being attacked, and I was very nervous about riding the subway. After a few years the constant worry subsided and we felt proud for staying and sticking it out. We belonged to a group of people that told our stories every year. We started to love where we lived, and we swore we would never leave.

That is how I remember it.

I could be a great housewife...

2009-09-09T13:20:00.000-07:00

If I didn't hate it so much. AND I need to clear up something that I feel sort of guilty about... Eli is in daycare during the day so I'm here all day by myself. I know. I know. That really doesn't seem too awful, but I'm not a good at home by myself kind of person, I can't relax and I just end up doing dumb chores all day. Here is the things I've already done today:

1. jogged 5 miles
2. painted trim in my bathroom (I say MY bathroom because I have banned Eli and Teddy from it. This is the first time in..uh....hmmm maybe since I was in high school that I don't have to share a bathroom and it is HEAVEN)
3. cleaned dog poop out of the yard
4. laundry
5. dishes
6. swept and swiffered both bathroom floors
7. vacuumed
8. cleaned kitchen counter tops

If it wasn't for the pesky fact of needing to make money to keep Eli in daycare and needing to make money for my sanity, I would make a terrific housewife. Oh and I'm showered and dressed...Not like in a dress and heels or anything, but I count taking a shower as a WIN.

blah

2009-09-08T13:22:00.001-07:00

We had a really great weekend, and Teddy and I both said that this weekend made us think that moving here was totally worth it. We had a BBQ and my sister and her family attended as well as Teddy's brother and Sister in Law. It was really great. The 5,000 calories I ate in Salt and Vinegar chips were worth it too.

In spite of the great weekend I'm still feeling blah today. It is the same story, that with out working I really feel sort of useless and losery, which is sad that so much of my identity is wrapped up into having a job, but there it is. I'm trying to cheer myself up, so let me share with you some bullets of goodness.

I got two DVD's of thirtysomething in the mail today. I love watching TV on DVD. I just got done watching season 3 of Dexter and Teddy and I loved it.
Small. I ordered a small shirt from Old Navy and I got it today AND it fits. I know that small at Old Navy is probably the same as Medium anywhere else, BUT I was wearing an XL from Old Navy and to own a clothing item that says SMALL AND FITS is totally rocking my world.
My 15 year high school reunion is in less than a month and I must find something fabulous to wear. I'm thinking of splurging and getting something from Anthropologie, but it does sort of make me feel guilty since I have NO INCOME.

That's all I got for now. I've been a sucky blogger and a sucky commenter...I must get out of my funk.

grass, not always greener.

2009-09-03T15:24:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend we went to the wedding reception of an old friend of ours. It was weird because we saw a lot of friends we haven't seen in 10 years, and what made it weirder is because we couldn't think of anything to say to each other. You would think after 10 years you could think of one interesting thing to say, but nope, I couldn't.

It seemed to me like time stood still here when Teddy and I left and we came back and were plopped back right down in the middle of things. We had a nice time, but it doesn't seem like our friends are really our friends anymore, you know?

One of the people we ran into and talked to for a long time was a good friend of Teddy's. We were so happy to see him because we felt like there was finally someone there we had something in common with. They have been friends for 20 years and they played in several bands together. He and his wife had a baby the month after Teddy and I had Eli. We keep in touch with them via facebook and Holiday cards and we knew their daughter had some medical issues when she was born, mostly with her eyes, but really, we had no idea.

To back up a bit, let me say the previous week I was a total downer. I was depressed I wasn't working and I was feeling sorry for myself on several levels. Eli has been very difficult lately, I'm assuming the way most 3 years olds can be, but I was sure he was the only child who had ever been so difficult, and I was the only mother who just could.not.stand to hear him ask "mommy, what's that?" one more time. I was losing my patience frequently and asking Teddy if there was "something wrong" with Eli because he is just so... just so.... just so... MUCH.

Anyway, we stood there talking to our friend and when I start asking about his daughter he looks at me quizzically and says "you don't know?" and I say "what?" to which he goes into a long explanation about how their daughter has a brain abnormality and will never be "normal." He told us the story of visiting with the neurologist who very matter-of-factly went down a list of their daughter's problems including "severely MR" to which our friend responded "WAIT, what is MR?" and the doctor stopped and asked our friend "did no one tell you this before?" He went on to tell them to never expect her to graduate high school, and that she would be living with them for the rest of their lives. It was such a shocking story to me, and yet our friend told it the same way he told us the story about his cousin and the karaoke machine.

I don't mean it to sound like he didn't care, it wasn't like that at all, it was more that he was just dealing with it and it was just a part of his life now. It was so amazing to me because I told Teddy I don't think I could ever tell the story and not cry, I don't think *I* could ever be "normal" again. I have thought of our friends and their daughter every day since Saturday and I wonder how I could ever feel sorry for myself, how can I feel annoyed at my "normal" kid.

I'm sure I'm still going to feel sorry for myself, and I'm SURE I'm still going to be annoyed at my kid, but I have some perspective. I know that really it isn't that bad, and in taking a cue from my friends that even when it *IS* that bad, you just have to deal with it and move on.

My HGTV mentors would not approve.

2009-09-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

I love "before and after" pictures, so that is my treat to you today, some before and after of my living room/dining room and to repay me for all the fun you had looking at the pictures I need some advice!

Here is the "before" of the living room looking toward the dining room section. That is my kid watching DVDs while I tried to clean the floors.

This is the "before" looking toward the TV watching/living room area. If you look closely in the background you can see in the front entryway there is a built in telephone holder thing. Old school.

Here is the "after" towards the dining room. Notice my Flor tiles I bought with my weight loss winnings, I think they look great! What do you think about the door behind the table, should I paint it white? I think it would look better white but I'm afraid the landlords might get mad. What about window treatments? I took down all the mini blinds because I'm not a fan, but now I think it needs something...

Here is another picture. My end table lamps don't match, can that be sort of funky cool, or should I buy some matching ones? What about the ugly hanging lamp, would you bother replacing it in a rental?

OK, the TV wires. They look awful and tacky but I'm not sure how to fix it. Ideas? I considered painting them them same color as the walls, but I dunno.

You would think with the amount of HOURS I spend watching HGTV I would have answers to all these questions, but I have no clue and I need your help!

Identity

2009-08-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

I love being Teddy's wife and Eli's mom...I really do, but it isn't enough for me. I really enjoy having a working self too. I have either been working, or in school since I was 16, and sometimes both, and I don't know what to do with myself with out having a job.

I haven't always loved the particular job I've had but I've always enjoyed having a place to go everyday, having my own office with my own pens, having work friends and special inside work jokes. I have always identified myself largely by having a job, and now that I don't have one I feel a little lost.

When I first graduated from college Teddy and I moved to south Alabama (even further south than where we are now)and I was jobless for six months. I became very depressed and VERY fat...the two tend to go hand in hand with me. If I am anxious, I can't eat, but if I am depressed ALL I want to do is eat and then I feel bad about myself for overeating and then I eat some more because I'm so depressed and who cares if I'm fat anyway?

This morning as I was running I was trying to tell myself that I need to continue my running schedule because right now I think it is one of the things keeping me from becoming depressed. I wake up in the morning and feel defeated thinking everyone I know has somewhere to be today (including my 3 year old) except me and I feel shitty and insignificant, but then I strap on my shoes and huff and puff up and down the hills and I feel better about myself and I think I can make it with out sinking into a funk.

I have been to two interviews for the same position (and I'm awaiting a call for a third interview for the same position...dear God) and I have another interview scheduled for September 1 with a different agency, but really I don't want any of those jobs. I have considered applying to The Gap and Target just to get something to keep me busy, but I really don't want to work weekends. I may go back to waiting tables just to get out of the house, but again usually those jobs include evenings and weekends which I'm not willing to do (yet).

I am really happy about our decision to move, Teddy and Eli are really thriving and seeing them so happy really makes me happy, but I need my own THING. Teddy tried to help the other night by reminding me that although we have had some rough times, generally things work out for us...and he is right, they do, but WHEN? I feel like I'm holding on by a thread and I don't know how much longer I can do this...weeks? months? I mean it is has only been two weeks since we moved and I'm already a little cagey.

Anyway, I'm just feeling sorry for myself today and venting. I've already applied for some jobs, dusted, painted and I'm about to go to the bank and pick up my kid, then I get to have dinner with the family (which really helps too) I needed something to fill the gap of time so I didn't start refinishing the floors....

before and now

2009-08-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

It is very hard for me to find pictures of myself from the first couple of years of Eli's life. There are two main reasons for this, one is that I am typically the one taking the pictures and the other is that I have deleted most of the pictures of me because I look fat. This makes me sad now because there are very few pictures of Eli and I together. I know I wasn't looking my best, but I wish I would have known that there would be a day that I would want those pictures regardless of how I looked.

I am still working on weight loss and making healthy eating choices and exercising but I am really proud of how far I have come. I understand that Sports Illustrated will not be knocking on my door anytime soon for their swimsuit edition, but I can look at pictures of me in a swimsuit and not want to cry.

The funny thing is when I downloaded the pictures I opened one of them and wondered for a minute who the lady was holding Eli's hand, because it was surely not me. I still imagine myself to be fat, and when I saw that picture I was surprised because that person doesn't look like what I imagine myself to look like. I hope someday the outside and the inside can come together and I can start looking good, and feeling good. I think that day is coming.

Nine

2009-08-20T09:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Teddy and I "celebrated" our 9th Anniversary. I say "celebrated" because we went to kid's night at a local restaurant and there was a balloon animal artist, and a pinata. We had a really nice time getting to sit around with my sister and her family, but we were both a little bummed we didn't get to have a romantic night.

Our anniversary has been severely overshadowed for the last four years by a tiny little boy. I get so wrapped up in planning birthday parties that I tend to forget about our anniversary until it is an after thought. We are really hoping that we do something fancy for our 10th anniversary next year, like get drunk in Florida (what? we live in Alabama now...getting drunk in Florida is fancy).

One thing I did think of yesterday while I was jogging was that if you were ever looking for motivation to stay fit and attractive for your partner, move to a town of 20,000 college students. I'm pretty sure after seeing the 100th pair of firm, tan thighs that I ran a little harder and little longer....Bless Teddy's heart for being a little too absent minded professor-y to always notice, but I'm sure he has to notice sometimes, I mean for God's sake these girls are so FIRM that *I* notice.

Anyway, that was a weird sidetrack, but I wanted you to know that in the battle of me against my router, I finally won (after purchasing a new one) and I am coming to you from my dining room table, so I will be around to visit soon, because I missed you guys.

chest of drawers

2009-08-18T17:53:00.000-07:00

We are moved into our new house and doing well, BUT I can not get my router to work so my computer has to stay plugged into the modem which happens to be on top of my dresser...I mean chest of drawers, in my bedroom...It is a very inconvenient place to use the computer, you have to stand in the doorway to the bathroom...OH my life is so hard and then I had to walk in the HEAT to eat dinner.

I want to tell you about how I'm an idiot and didn't turn on the water OR the gas to our new house, and about how my BABY turned three years old over the weekend, and how I saw pictures of myself in a bathing suit and I didn't know it was ME, because I still picture myself as a fat girl, but those things will all have to wait till I can sit down and tell you my stories....

here

2009-08-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

I made it to my sister's house. Teddy is about 3 hours away with my Brother in Law, all our stuff, and our dog and two cats. I miss them. We still have to wait until Thursday to actually move into our new house, and then I'll post some pictures. I miss you.

Here is a gem from when my mom came to "help" me move, and by "help" I mean stand outside and smoke and pick stuff out of my trash, like Teddy's old boxer shorts. She was pretty sure that Blue's Clues was cancelled because Steve was a pedophile. Yeah, I don't know either. There's more but I can't remember right now.

mean people suck

2009-08-05T13:57:00.001-07:00

There are a lot of things I will miss about NYC but to be quite honest, the people are not one of them. I lived mostly in small towns growing up and people are polite, they hold the door for you even if they have to wait an awkwardly long time, they say hello, they wave when they drive past...just generally friendly.

I will say in my experience a lot of the people around here are douche bags (obviously a lot are not). I actually yelled at a pregnant woman today in Union Square because she was such a bitch, and honestly that isn't like me, I'm pretty polite. Here is my take on the NYC culture: people (of course I am generalizing here) think they are all super special snowflakes, and YOU are in the way of their most special snowflakedom so you must be KILLED or SHOVED OUT OF THE WAY so they can get whatever they want.

I told Teddy today that I think New Yorkers are the rudest people in America. Now, there is A LOT of America I have not been to, and yet I'm comfortable making this statement.

DISCLAIMER: I totally get that not all people in NYC suck, I'm just saying in my lifetime I have seen and dealt with more crazy assholes in NYC than anywhere else on earth. OH and here is another generalization I'm going to make, people in NYC stink. I know, I know I'm terrible, but let me tell you NYC in the summer is really not that awesome. It is hot and you walk down the street and the nasty air conditioner water drips on your head, and you can smell the cooking garbage on the sidewalk. People go from the hot sidewalk to the even hotter subway station and then the inevitable starts to happen and they get a little ripe. It really is a very smelly city.

(for a completely different take on the city, you can go read my sister's post)

not what I expected

2009-07-31T16:50:00.001-07:00

I thought I would be THRILLED to complete my last day of work. THRILLED might not even be a strong enough word...ECSTATIC. I thought I would be ECSTATIC to complete my last day of work, but instead I feel a little nauseous and a lot panicky.

I have no idea why I am surprised, pretty much anything can throw me for a loop, remember the scary dog crate dilemma of 2009?

We have no health insurance for the next two weeks and I just know something terrible is going to happen to us. I'm considering wrapping everyone in bubble wrap. Maybe I should take a exploratory trip to the ER tonight, I'll take my whole family and make stuff up and maybe they can do enough tests and rule enough stuff out to give me piece of mind for two weeks (I'm sure Bea is thrilled with that idea). (although my luck is I'd be diagnosed with a rare disease and then my next insurance would kick me off for having a previous condition or whatever, so OK forget that idea)

Send us safe thoughts!

two more days

2009-07-29T16:33:00.000-07:00

Remember this? Well, then it looked like this.....well now it looks like this:

Oh how in the hell did that happen? I can.not.believe. I only have two more days of work left, that just seems so, so....Unbelievable (see what an artist I am with words).

I did get a call today and got an interview for a job in Alabama, but here's the thing, I kinda don't want that job. I could totally do it, and I'd probably be decent at it, but it isn't where I want to work. I'm afraid that things are so tough now that I'm going to take the first thing that is offered to me because I'll be afraid of nothing else coming around, and that is exactly what I did with the job I have now that I have hated for five years...

It is hard to complain about my work at this point because tomorrow I am going to the third party in my honor...that is really just so awesome, I can't even say. To realize people like you and respect you has meant so much to me, it is really changing my memories of how much I disliked my job and changing them into memories of some nice people I met along the way.

I'm curious if anyone has ever turned down a job and waited for something better, I never have because I'm always convinced I'll starve and die before a better one comes along, but what about you?

officially not fat

2009-07-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

When I first started Weight Watchers my BMI was in the "obese" category. Today when I weighed in I officially moved into the "healthy" category. In my mind this means I am officially NOT fat (although quite honestly I still feel fat). I have identified myself for almost my entire life as "fat."

I have lost 10% of my body weight three times (confusingly to me this does not equal 30%, I am still a few pounds away from having lost 30% of my body weight). Today I hit my third goal. It has taken me FIVE months to lose fifteen pounds, but I did it. I am moving on to a new goal of losing another 10 pounds, it might take me another five months, but I can do it.

I used to believe that I couldn't do it, when people would say "if I can do it, so can you!" I never believed them, and I honestly believed they had something inside them that I just didn't have. I am here to say SERIOUSLY if I can do it, so can you!

PS My laptop charger/cord thingumabob broke and now we can't use our laptop because we don't have a way to charge it...I have ordered a new one but until then I can only check on you in bloggy land at work.

PPS After SEVERAL weird delays (which included the car dealer driving Teddy from Manhattan to NJ to get me to sign a paper today) we are finally in possession of our new car, I am seriously hoping cars last a good 50-60 years because I will shoot myself in the face if I have to do that again.

PPPS This is my last week of work. HOLY SHIT.

Is it something I said?

2009-07-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

I do not like to talk on the phone. OK that is not entirely true, I like to chat on the phone (really only with my sister) but I do not like to call to order food or ask questions or anything like that. I would say it is a bordering on a phobia and if I know I have to make a lot of phone calls I will start getting anxious and try to put it off, or find someone else to make the calls for me.

Moving has included A LOT of phone calls. WAY to much for my taste, and although there are a lot of things you can complete online, there are still lots of things you have to call for like, movers, utility companies etc. I was telling Teddy yesterday that these past several days where I have been forced to make lots of phone calls have really been stressing me out but most of all I feel like people on the other end of the phone just don't GET me. I seem to be having a lot of misunderstandings with people, and I feel like people on the other end of the phone are getting annoyed with me, which in makes me annoyed at them.

Case in point, (is that how you use that?), yesterday I was calling some movers about unloading the moving truck for me. The lady wanted to know a "detailed inventory" of all our stuff. I became a little flustered because I thought surely they don't want me to list everything I own. Well I was wrong. I was becoming agitated because I am paying you BY THE HOUR just come get my goddamn stuff and fucking move it and the more stuff I have the more money you get. I just kept saying "uh, I don't know we have the regular amount of stuff" then we had the following conversation:

Annoying southern girl: Do you have any dressers?
Me: yes, we have two
ASG: Do you have any chest of drawers?
Me: Oh, wait...what is the difference between a dresser and a chest of drawers?
ASG: Sigh. A dresser usually has a mirror on top of it
Me: oh, OK then I have two chest of drawers
ASG: How many beds do you have?
Me: One queen sized bed and a toddler bed
ASG: oh, so one queen bed and a twin bed?
Me: No. A queen bed and a toddler bed, it is smaller than a twin bed it just fits a crib mattress
ASG: Oh well I have never heard of that (I GUESS IMPLYING THAT I MADE IT UP)

She continues to go through all household items and then starts asking about outdoor stuff.

ASG: Do you have any patio furniture?
Me: No. We live in a two bedroom apartment, we have no outdoor stuff and no garage.
ASG: So do you have a grill?
Me: NO. we don't have ANY outdoor stuff AT ALL
ASG: So, do you have a lawnmower
Me: Sigh. No.

then

ASG: How many boxes will you have
Me: Uhh I have no idea, is there an average amount?
ASG: No. Not really.
Me: Umm ok what do other people say?
ASG: I don't know
Me: do people usually know how many boxes they will have, because I'm not done packing.
ASG: yes
Me: Oh OK then I don't know I'll just say 50
ASG: OK well average amount is probably 60
Me: WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT?
ASG: I did.

Anyway, needless to say when I got off the phone from that conversation I was annoyed and I keep wondering if it is just ME?

Today I got a call from the bank I'm getting my car loan from and they were annoyed at me because they say I told them I wanted to title the car in NJ but the dealer was telling them I want to title the car in AL. I said that is correct, I want to title the car in Alabama and the lady was MAD because she swore I told her I wanted to title it in NJ. Why would I have ever said that?

I am actually a very polite person, I do not have any kind of accent, I speak proper English, I don't get it, why can't anyone understand me?

this is the only way my brain works now

2009-07-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

I am a complete nut job. I am FREAKING out that the car dealer might possibly be annoyed with me. I don't know why I do these things, and I think most people would probably just shrug it off. It started because the car dealer wanted us to pick up our car tonight but the bank I got a loan from is still stuck in 1995 and they are SLOW (that is what I get for getting a loan from a bank based out of Daleville, Alabama). The still haven't cut the check so we can't pick up the car.

I have been stressing out and not sleeping because now the car dealer might be mad at me. I'm not sure exactly how this would even affect my life if he was in fact mad at me, but this is my new obsession and it is making me crazy.

I have some other equally boring news for you:

The mayor of my town got arrested (ahh Jersey it is just SO JERSEY).

I am supposed to be having a birthday party for my child who will be three in 2.5 weeks (he won't be three in 2.5 weeks, that is just when the party is supposed to be), and I have done NOTHING. I feel horrible but I don't even know what to do. People are coming to my house for a party the DAY BEFORE I move. I don't know why I thought this was a good idea, but I really wanted to do something for Eli before we moved so my mom and my aunt could come. I'm thinking a cake from Cold Stone and some pizzas will have to do.

My son's real birthday is the weekend after we move into our house and I have NOTHING planned. Our nine year wedding anniversary is the next week and I got nothing. I have been so involved with this moving business I haven't been able to think about anything else. It will be really interesting when my brain can actually focus on something other than moving.

Next week is my sister's 40th birthday. I remember when I was growing up thinking that when my sister is 40 and I'm 33 ( I won't be 33 till October) we are going to be REALLY old. I really don't feel old at all now, but I remember when she turned 30 and I was 22 thinking that we would really be ancient by now and should probably start looking for nursing homes.

Sorry for all the disjointed thoughts, I feel like some sort of frantic yippy dog the way my mind just darts from one thing to another and I can't focus on anything. Again, let's hope this is just a symptom of the move and not how I'm going to be from now on...

Yay and Boo

2009-07-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

We bought a car today! Yay!

We have no where to park it! Boo!

They found the exact car I wanted! Yay!

I suck at negotiating! Boo!

I am relieved we have gotten through most of that process! Yay!

I am annoyed we have to go back Thursday night! Boo!

I felt happy for about 3 hours this afternoon! Yay!

Once I realized I had no where to keep my brand new car the stress started again! Boo!

Here is a picture of what my car looks like! Yay!

(not our actual car)

I might get to pay 400$ to keep my car in a parking garage for 2.5 weeks! BOO!*

* I had actually looked into this before and I thought it wouldn't be a big deal, but what I didn't know is that you have to register your car in the state and have a NJ license plate in order to park in the municipal garage. We are just getting a temporary tag and going to register it in Alabama. It is always something.

too bad I'm so stupid, but atleast I got a lot of exercise

2009-07-19T17:45:00.000-07:00

I really liked my sister's post of her jogging route and I decided I wanted to do a similar post today. I went jogging this morning, but I decided I am too uncoordinated to take pictures while I jog so Teddy agreed to walk the route with me in the evening so I could take my pictures. We went and walked the route and I took some beautiful pictures, and then deleted them all on accident. Ugh, I'll try again tomorrow.

P.S. I'm going to try and buy a car tomorrow. I am ridiculously stressed about it, wish me luck!

Lord, I'm coming home to you

2009-07-17T05:55:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons Teddy and I were skeptical about moving back to Alabama is the religious zealots. It is pretty typical that immediately after you introduce yourself to someone they will ask you where you go to church. If you say "no where" they seem confused, and a lot of times will offer to take you to church with them ( or this has been my experience, maybe I just look like I need some church). People asking curious questions doesn't really bother me, but it is the judgement and trying to "save" me that bothers me. If you go to church that is fine with me, great with me actually, and I have no intention of asking you to stop going, so don't ask me to start.

On the drive to Birmingham there is a billboard stating "go to church or the devil will get you!" I actually have a t-shirt with this sign on it because I think it is so ridiculous, but unfortunately most folks don't think it is ridiculous, they thing it is REAL.

I was really surprised this morning when I was browsing the news that Alabama allowed a billboard to go up supporting Atheists and Agnostics. Now my guess is that before too long people will complain (they already started) and the billboard will be taken down, but to me it seems like progress.

Christian organizations are complaining that the billboard is "offensive." I don't really think it is offensive but it happens to support my way of thinking...what do you think?

Edited to add:
When I went back and was reading the article about the "Imagine no Religion" billboard again, I saw a link to another article about another religious billboard in Alabama.

Uhh, I'm sorry but I think that is creepy. Alabama is weird.

it seems important at the time

2009-07-16T07:23:00.000-07:00

I stayed up for HOURS last night worrying...You know what I spent hours of my precious life worrying about? License plates. Yes. License plates, like for cars. The week before I stayed up for hours worrying about...dog crates. Yup, those cages you buy for your dog. I needed to get one.

I got the crate, so I thought my worrying could stop, but then it came and it might be too big, and I spent 80$ on it. Then I made Teddy go around and measure other people's cars ON THE STREET in front of strangers walking by on the crowded sidewalk. I made our whole family go out on an expedition to find the make and model of the car I want to buy to peer in the cargo area to see if we thought the dog crate would fit. I found three cars, and I made Teddy look at all of them. One had a for sale sign in the window so it looked less weird for us to be measuring that one, with a measuring tape I brought with us.

I can comprehend that these things are RIDICULOUS and that I shouldn't worry about them, but that doesn't seem to make me stop. I also try and think about how lots of other people have REAL problems, like looking for work or having sick family members...but that doesn't seem to help me in the moment either. At midnight last night the most important thing in the world was how I'm going to get a license plate, and do I have to get one for NJ even though I'll be moving to AL one week later. DO YOU KNOW BECAUSE I STILL DON'T?

threes

2009-07-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

It always seems like bad things (and good things) happen in thirds around here. We found out last week that we are going to have to pay a lot of money up front for our medical insurance next year, and they want the money now. That sucks...we are generally healthy people BUT I wouldn't risk not having insurance.

It also seems my UTI made a reappearance over the weekend. Yay, that is awesome...I already made an appointment to see my PCP but damn now I have to go there and pay 20$. I was really hoping my self diagnosing and old prescriptions would do the trick. I also have some Zoloft in the cabinet from when I had PPD and some Valium from a neck muscle thing, maybe I should just take those too and call it a day.

Now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop...when something happens I wonder if that was the third thing or not. In my wacky mind the things have to be around the same severity, so if today I give myself a paper cut, well that isn't bad enough so that can't be the third thing... so now I just wait.

Oh, I just got a text from my sister reminding me that my mom is coming to visit us in September, maybe that is the third thing.

Things I'm not clever enough to write whole blog posts about.

2009-07-11T16:51:00.000-07:00

1. Remember this? Now look at it. This is equally exciting and terrifying...OK maybe not equally maybe leaning more toward terrifying but still exciting. OK maybe more like 60% terrifying and 40% exciting ..Mmmmm maybe like 70/30...OK maybe more like 100% terrifying until we move, unpack, I get a job, and we are all settled in. THEN it will be mostly exciting....Like 80/20.

2. This is also terrifying me, looking at these boxes...that I've packed...because we are moving. ACK. I'm not trying to be over dramatic but twice today I've looked at that stack of boxes and felt a wave of nausea so strong I had to sit down...Oh I just LOVE being me sometimes. (Eli LOVES that pink cat carrier... I have never seen him play with anything as much as he plays with that. He carries a stuffed cat around in it and just really amuses himself.) (Oh that reminds me we went to Target yesterday and I told him he could pick out some Band Aids and he picked out the Barbie ones.)
3. At Target yesterday I got ANOTHER bottle of this:
I am now obsessed with having tan legs and I moved on from the light version to the medium. I think I may have a problem and I might need an intervention soon. I had a friend who once told me "tan fat is better than pale fat" and by Jesus she was right. It also has FIRMING. I have no idea if it is actually firming anything, but I like to believe it is.
4. There are (hardly ever) benefits to be married to a dude that writes about children's music, but we got a free copy of Mr. Leebot's new CD and it is awesome. I totally would have even paid for it, which is saying a lot because I never buy CDs.
5. I have still been jogging, at least 4 times a week and usually about 20 miles a week, but I haven't been losing weight. I have been journaling, but not staying with in my Weight Watchers POINTS ( I have no idea why that is all caps but on the WW site it is always written like that ) This has been the first week, in weeks and weeks, I stayed with in my POINTS and I'm hoping to finally have a loss.
6. TLC is killing me. I mean it. I can't stand to see another ad for I didn't know I was pregnant, because it makes me want to punch someone in their chocha. I have been pregnant, and I don't buy it. And I know, I know that your sister's, cousin's, friend had a baby in the toilet because FOR REALS she didn't know she was pregnant and I'm calling BULLSHIT. Anyway, now there is 650 lb Virgin, and I just can't bear it.

I think that is all I got for now...although I could write more about my love for House Hunters and any documentary about someone getting murdered, but I'll save those topics for later.

Naming names

2009-07-09T06:06:00.000-07:00

I love names and how people came up with the names they call their kids, or their pets, or their plants whatever. I name everything. If I have fish I name all of them, if we find a snail in the backyard we name it, if we see a particularly cute squirrel we give it a name.

When we were naming our son we really wanted a name that was original, but not too original...nothing like Pilot Inspektor or Jermajesty...Teddy and I both have fairly plain first names that neither one of us particularly liked growing up. I wanted a more original name and Teddy wanted a name that was easier to pronounce (Teddy's real name is not Teddy). It is interesting to me because today I was reading a post by a person with an original name and she was saying she always wanted a name you could find on one of those bicycle license plates, I always wished I had a name that was so original you wouldn't be able to get one of those things.

Anyway, when we were trying to pick out first names for our son we could not agree on anything, every name just sounded too plain and it just.wasn't. right. We ended up annoying everyone by giving our son Teddy's last name as his first name and my last name as his last name. Got it? So let's say Teddy's name is Teddy Smith and my name is Penny InExile our son's name is Smith InExile. So not only do I not have my husband's last name but our son has my last name. I know, we are weird. Here in the very blue, very liberal NJ no one really cares and they think it is "cool" when we explain it to them...I'm not sure how well this is going to go over in Alabama.

When we were naming our son we were SURE, and I mean ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE we did not want any more kids so we never considered sibling names. Now that we think we MIGHT, MAYBE, KIND OF want another one we have a naming dilemma. Whose last name do they get? Teddy seems to think they should share a last name (mine) but I don't really care, I mean I don't have the same last name as my sister, but I still understand we are related. And what are we supposed to give them as a first name when our other kid had Teddy's last name as his first name...

I'm thinking if I ever get pregnant with a second child I might ask Swistle for her advice...

Happy fourth of UTI!

2009-07-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 3 AM on the 4th with the unmistakable signs of another UTI. Interestingly, it was exactly the one year anniversary of my last UTI, which is odd. My body somehow rejects America's birthday. I dunno. Luckily I had a course of Cipro ( I know, I know, I really shouldn't be diagnosing myself and taking old antibiotics) in the cabinet and after 24 hours I am already feeling 95% better.

To celebrate fourth of July I did my traditional making of the red, white, and blue food. I have had some really good creations...this year wasn't one of them.

These are the patriotic pancakes we had for breakfast.

This is my annual red, "white," and blue Jello. This year I could not find the white grape flavor, which is clear, and had to use pineapple which was way too yellow. Big disappointment. Two years ago I used white chocolate pudding. It looked pretty, but tasted awful.

And speaking of pee (weren't we?) we took the opportunity of a long weekend and started the potty training process. In some ways it is going much better than I thought, and in other ways it seems like it might never end. I'm already sick of saying "do you need to pee" and I feel like a total idiot asking him every seven seconds. He seems to get the idea, but he only likes to use his special small potty, and we are all confused about what we are supposed to do if he needs to go while we are out. We are using the bribery method and every time he uses the potty, he gets candy. I don't really like to do anything with out a theme, so potty training theme is "frogs."

I hope you had a great 4th, without so much talk of peeing.

Thirty-two

2009-06-30T16:35:00.001-07:00

As I was running today I was thinking about how I am in the best shape of my life. This both makes me really proud, and also frustrates me. I was thinking about how I spent my twenties drinking too much, smoking too much, and eating too much ( do you sense a bit of an oral fixation?)...although there is not much I would change about things, since ultimately all those things led me to where I am today, but I do wish I would have taken better care of my body.

I was also thinking about how this is the happiest I have ever been. I still have days where I feel depressed, or unbelievably anxious, but overall I feel happy. I have a great husband and a wonderful son. My parents are alive and although they are both alcoholics, one functioning, one in recovery, they are in decent health (presumably, since neither one will get a check-up). I'm really excited about the upcoming move and spending more time with my sister and her family.

I'm in the process of buying my first car. This is really exciting to me even though at my age I'm sure most people have owned their own car before. I am looking forward to a new job, I don't know if I'll get the chance to change careers or if I'll end up doing something similar to what I'm doing now, but I'm excited to find out. I spend most nights watching House Hunters and making fun of what people wear (tiny shirts over inexplicably bigger shirts) and say (man room!), and I'm really happy.

Teddy and I have been talking about how this area can really beat you down. I feel like there is always this competition to do better, and make more, and do more, and be MORE FABULOUS, and it has just been really getting to me. I felt like I could never keep up and that real happiness was just out of my reach, like if I could just make more money, or get a better job, or find a bigger apartment then maybe I would be happy, but I always felt like I was chasing something I just couldn't reach...now I feel like I'm going on a permanent vacation where people are just happy to BE and it isn't always a competition.

I've always been anxious and I go through bouts of depression but I feel better now than I can ever remember and I'm starting to wonder if it is all related to my health (some of you are probably shouting DUH! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!) . I'm hoping to keep up my running schedule and I would still like to lose another ten pounds, but for just today I'm going to be happy.

not unlike taking a Xanax

2009-06-26T08:16:00.000-07:00

I am feeling so anxious right now my chest is tight and I feel extra aware of all my movements. Today is the day we find out if Teddy gets the buyout package. Since we found out about the buyout I have attached a lot of emotional/spiritual/crazy meaning to the buyout. In my mind I started relating the buyout package with whether or not we were meant to move to Alabama.

I know this sounds completely nuts, believe me it is to me too, but I just built this up in my head and now can't seem to let go of the idea. I keep thinking if we get the buyout it is because we are supposed to move to Alabama and if we don't get the buyout we have obviously made some huge mistake.

UPDATE: I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.... TEDDY CALLED RIGHT THIS SECOND WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS AND SAID HE GOT IT!

I guess it is meant to be....which is lucky because we were going either way. I feel like a huge weight was just lifted off my chest. Now we can afford to move and I don't have to panic about finding a job the second we get there.

I really know how to party.

2009-06-22T16:01:00.001-07:00

Last Friday my niece was in town and she agreed to babysit for us for the evening. We headed out to the new fancy hotel in town (the only hotel in town) and had a drink with a fabulous view of the Hudson River and the Empire State Building. It was awesome (except three drinks cost 50$). After our drink we went to one of our favorite little restaurants and I had a great meal of eggplant parmigiana and a glass of wine. We indulged and shared a piece of chocolate cake and it was one of the most delicious, relaxing meals I have had in a VERY long time.

My niece was staying with us so we had planned to go out after dinner for a few drinks, and because our babysitter was sleeping over there was really no set time for us to be home. We took a walk around the park and headed to our favorite bar but when we got there I just didn't feel like going in, instead we went and bought my niece a cupcake and then got ourselves a cup of coffee and went home and drank it on our front stoop before going inside. We were on the couch by 10 PM.

Today Teddy and I had the day off so after dropping Eli off at daycare we went to Target where we stocked up on bathroom supplies and dog food, then we headed over to Ikea. I bought some cookie cutters in the shapes of animals and a rug for Eli's room. We got home at 2 PM and CLEANED. Man we are the most boring people alive, but really I had a great time.

One of the things I worry about is being hung over, or too tired and having to take care of Eli. I have a hard time going out and drinking too much, or staying out too late because all I can think about is I'm still going to have to get up at 7 AM and take care of a toddler. I can't even imagine a day when Eli could get up and make himself a bowl of cereal and I could stay in bed. I am starting to understand why people have their kids so close together because right when I could possibly start having my own life back is when we would start considering having another.

Jogging Blogging, part three: Invested.

2009-06-16T16:53:00.001-07:00

One of the reasons I decided I would start jogging is because it was "free." I laughed at this the other day when Teddy and I were in our local Fleet Feet...all the sudden my free exercises has started to get very expensive. I have now invested in running shoes, running shorts, a running headband (worthless because I think my head is either too small or too big and it always pops off), my Nike+, and special no chaffing stuff for my ~~friend's~~ big fat thighs. (not pictured: lots of colorful sports bras, and several pairs of yoga pants)

The reason I'm mentioning these things is because Bea recently asked me what my motivation is to keep up my running schedule. I thought about it for a while, and really right now my motivation is I spent money on this shit and I'm not going to waste it. I'm too stubborn and I would feel stupid if I spent money on expensive running shoes, and then never wore them.

I don't have a specific running schedule, I just go outside and run at least every other day. Some days I run as fast as I can for 30 minutes, some days I run slower for 45 minutes, and some days I pick a distance and I don't stop until I've run that distance. I keep doing it because I'm terrified that if I don't I will become fat again almost instantly. I have this vivid imagination of me wearing a giant flesh colored body stocking thing that is holding in all my fat. I imagine the day I stop running this thing will burst at the seams and I will instantly gain back the 50 lbs I've worked so hard to lose.

Bea also asked about how do you run faster, and the best advice I have for that is something I read on another website (I think it was about.com) and the advice was "just run faster." It feels uncomfortable and like your lungs are going to burst, but after a couple of days it actually helps increase the speed of your comfortable jog...does that make sense? For example I was running a 9 minute mile, and then for a week I ran as fast as I could for 30 minutes and I was averaging around a 7:45 mile, well then the next week when I went back to a comfortable pace I'm running about a 8:15 mile now...see?

So to wrap it all up I have some real inspirational words for you: Run even if you don't want too, just run faster, and buy some expensive shoes. There, after three months I'm a jogging guru.

atleast it wasn't a Post-it.

2009-06-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

I don't really have too many friends. I was talking to Teddy about this last weekend and I was saying that I like to assume that the reason I don't have many friends is other people's fault...meaning that THEY don't like ME because I'm weird or whatever, but really I think it is time for me to own up to the fact that I am a weirdo and I'm not good at making friends. I was thinking about this as Teddy and I were at a fair in our local park and I was looking around and we were literally the ONLY family sitting off to the side by ourselves. Everyone one else was standing in groups and chatting while their kids played and Teddy and I choose to sit away from everyone and only talk to each other.

I think because I am so crappy at making friends I have tried to keep in touch with the few good friends I made in high school and college. A couple of them are married and have their own kids so it is easy to relate to them and we have a lot in common. One friend of mine I met because my parents were friends with his parents so we were sort of forced to be friends. We ended up becoming pretty close and actually were roommates for awhile in college. We had a falling out over some pretty stupid shit (bills, I didn't like his girlfriend, who was going to pay for the grow lamps for the special plants he had in the closet etc.) but after a year or so we made amends and kept in touch over the years. He still lives in Alabama and sometimes when I would go and visit my sister he would come hang out. We have been friends for almost 20 years so it made it even harder when I broke up with him via email yesterday.

My friend got married about three years ago and shortly after he got married his wife went batshit crazy. He came to find out that she was bi polar and had been taking medications while they were dating, but shortly after they got married she stopped taking her medications and started having a lot of symptoms. When she was in a manic phase she would leave for days at a time and my friend would have no idea where she went. Needless to say it was a very stressful time in his life and when I talked with him the conversation was always about him and his problems with his wife.

I tried to be very understanding and I took all my friends calls, even when I had an infant and PPD. After a year or so the calls started getting tiresome because they were always the same and filled with drama. This went on for several years and I am not exaggerating when I say EVERY time I talked to my friend it was 95% about him. His wife at one point moved out of his house and into one of his friend's houses that he also worked with, so there was drama ALL.THE.TIME.

About six months ago my friend called me to tell me that he and his wife were finally getting divorced. They had been separated for awhile and now they were going to make it official. I thought that maybe I would finally get a chance to actually talk during our conversations. Over the last couple of days my friend texted me and asked if I wanted to IM with him while we were both at work. I agreed and we chatted with each other on and off for a few days. I am tempted to copy and past the conversation here just so you can see it was ALL about him, about his new job and his new girlfriend...he went so far as to tell me I should ask him MORE questions about him and his new girlfriend so he could tell me more about them. In these conversations there was never any questions about our upcoming move, my son, or my husband's acceptance into the PhD program.

I thought about it over night and yesterday morning I sent my friend an email saying that I spend my day listening to other people's problems so when I invest in a friendship I expect it to be 50/50. I told him that I understood that he had been going through a lot, but I had too and I was tired of our friendship only being one sided, I said when he was ready to be a friend to me then I would be willing to talk about it. He never wrote back.

I have never actually broken up with a friend...I have had friends that we have grown apart and lost contact, but I have never said to someone "I don't want to be friends with you anymore." It was sad, but also sort of liberating.

jogging blogging, take two.

2009-06-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

This is my second installment of jogging blogging. If you want to catch up you can read here.

I have been jogging, rain or shine for over three months. I have never gone more than one day in between running and I have done a fair amount of research over the Internet on jogging, and YET I'm still an idiot.

I'm not kidding when I say I have been jogging rain or shine. I have gone when I am sick, that month I had my period EVERY day, when I am cranky, when I don't feel like it, and when I'm tired. I have gone in the pouring rain, in the drizzle, in the driving rain and while I was on vacation. I have gone in the heat and the cold, and once again I must tell you I'm an idiot.

When I started jogging I was just using a pair of Nikes I had that I bought because they were silver and pink and PRETTY. While doing research on jogging (how often, how fast etc.) I constantly read that you should be properly fitted for running shoes, and you should change out your shoes, on average, every 300-400 miles or so. I have about 200 miles on the Nikes I am currently wearing but I wore them for months before I started jogging, and I also wear them just to walk around town. I decided that Monday while we were out and about, I would be properly fitted and I would buy some new running shoes.

We went into a specialty running store and they had treadmills set up with cameras directed at your feet. There was sign in sheet and you had to sign in and wait for it to be your turn to jog on the treadmill in front of everyone waiting (this is lunchtime in NYC there were several people waiting). I felt like a complete tool so while I was trying to decide if I was going to sign up or not I browsed around and looked at their selection of shoes. There shoes were OK, but none of them were pretty or PINK. I decided not to be fitted there and told Teddy I would try out the running store by our house instead.

Last night I was browsing around the Internet and I found a pair of running shoes that fit all my criteria: they were pink, and pretty!
I have never tried them on(!), I bought them because they are pink (!), and I have never worn this brand (!). When I'm complaining of blisters and various injuries, remind me how pretty my shoes are, and that I'm an idiot.

I also have a really embarrassing question that my friend wants me to ask you. She has been running every day in yoga pants but now that it is starting to get hot she wants to buy some shorts because the yoga pants start getting so fucking hot and stuck to her legs with sweat she feels absolutely disgusting (that is what she tells me). ANYWAY, her problem is that her thighs rub together and chafe and this is also terribly uncomfortable, is there any way to prevent this?

expectations

2009-06-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

I tend to build up a lot of expectations about things...It isn't that I have great expectations it is just that I have expectations...One of my many, many delightful quirks is that I have these expectations and if they aren't met it can completely ruin my day, or month, or six months.

Yesterday Teddy and I took the day off and spent the day together walking around NYC. I had been thinking about our day and I had decided I wanted to go to a nice cafe, maybe somewhere in the West Village, off the beaten path. I wanted to sit outside, or at least have a nice view of the people walking by, and enjoy a nice salad and maybe a Hoegarden. I knew this kind of place existed because I had the exact one in mind I wanted to go to (except the one I was thinking about was in SOHO, but I just knew I could find something similar in the West Village). We spent a good two hours looking for the exact right place and nothing was good enough. Finally we settled on a restaurant and it was all wrong and it ruined the rest of my day.

Yesterday was a mild example, all it did was ruin the afternoon, which I still realize is ridiculous but there have been other times when I completely lost my shit because things weren't what I expected. When we moved from Alabama to NJ I had never seen the apartment or the area we were moving too. I mistakenly trusted Teddy's brother to find us a place. I had pictured something similar to the area I live now, quaint , with beautiful brownstones, a cute downtown area and lots of parks...what I got was a dump. It was dirty and the buildings were horrible...our apartment was awful and very few people in the area spoke English. I had a panic attack for probably two months. I'm not saying I should have been delighted by my circumstances, but I'm sure I could have handled it better.

I haven't been blogging, or commenting as much lately because I have been in a funk. I'm starting to get very nervous that the move to Alabama won't meet my expectations and I'll sink into my depression/funk/never ending panic attack. I start anticipating the all day nausea, the cold sweats, the insomnia and I start getting depressed and anxious now ABOUT SOMETHING IN THE FUTURE THAT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN (another one of my delightful quirks).

I have continued to exercise and I do find that it helps the anxiety, but I have been constantly craving sugar and sweets. I have given into the temptation more than I should, but finally this last week I lost 1.2 pounds after having stayed the same weight for the last five weeks.

I am just counting down the days until we move, stuck in a weird funk trying to decide if I'm going to be OK or not. I know I'll be OK eventually, I just don't know how long it will take.

15 years...are you fucking kidding me?

2009-06-04T09:58:00.000-07:00

I got an email today that my 15 year high school reunion is this October. Oh...oh my. I really can't believe it.

I must continue on my way to being skinny and hot (well for me anyway), but does anyone have any suggestions on how exactly I'm going to get rich and successful in four months? What if I have to tell people I moved from NYC back to Alabama and I don't even have a job yet? Awesome. You know what, I'll just show them a picture of the most.awesome.kid.ever. and then punch them in the face and run away, that should do it.

*******

In regards to jogging... Ashley and HP, I know you guys are right and I need to do intervals BUT damn that is not what I wanted to hear, I wanted you to say that I should probably eat a bunch of candy and try and sugar shock my system into losing more weight...or something more along those lines. I am getting increasingly bitter that I still have to do MORE to keep losing weight, I am hungry and tired goddammit why isn't that enough?

I really need to say that I just don't understand those of you who don't like candy...like you wouldn't eat a package of Skittles OR you just prefer chocolate...if you just prefer chocolate, that is fine, if you can't be bothered to eat candy, well I don't know if we can be friends.

holding pattern

2009-06-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't lost any weight in four WEEKS. I have been jogging at least 4 times a week, but I think all the extra jogging is making me HUNGRY, or at least that is what I am going to use as my excuse. While we were at my sister's house I ate a movie theater sized box of candy A DAY. I don't know how exactly this happened but candy kept appearing, and I kept shoving it in my mouth. I'm not even sorry, it was delicious. I am a huge candy fan..Skittles, Twizzlers, gummy bears, whatever, I love it...give me a bag of sugar and a spoon and really I'd be happy. Teddy really only likes chocolate candy, I don't understand this.

Speaking of jogging I have been really frustrated with it lately. I have been jogging fairly frequently for about 3 months now, and I still don't really like it. I like the way I feel when I'm DONE but for a majority of the time I am actually jogging I'm pissed that it sucks, and I don't enjoy it. I find myself hating the stupid fuckers in line at the Mr. Softee truck because goddamn it I want to be in line at the Mr. Softee truck not running around in circles like some sort of sweaty douche. I don't know if I will ever like it, but I keep doing it, and that does make me proud.

*****************

Since Eli's second Birthday (which was 9.5 months ago) I have been contemplating the big 3 of toddlerhood for our family.

1. Get rid of the pacifiers
2. Potty Train
3. Big boy bed

I have been really hesitant about these things for one major reason->I LIKE TO SLEEP. I am afraid doing any one of these things is going to end up ruining my sleep.

We made a big step last week and we ordered Eli a toddler bed with the Christmas money my dad gave us over Memorial Day (yeah, that is how he rolls). The bed came on Friday and Eli was so excited Teddy put the bed together for him and he insisted on sleeping in it. So far it has actually gone better than I expected. He gets up and wanders around a lot, but honestly less than I thought he would.

The next step is potty training...I honestly have no clue where to even start. We want to try and have him potty trained before we move. The pre-school we have picked out for him wants the kids to be potty trained for the more advanced class, the remedial pee in your pants kids have to be in a different class and I don't want poor Eli to miss out on the fun stuff because he is in the pee pants class.

The pacifier...ahh I don't even know. It is really his comfort item and I sort of hate to take it away before such a big stresser for all of us...I will focus on potty training next and when that is over I'll start thinking about the pacifiers...

******************

This weekend Eli and I were chilling on the couch watching Oswald and Eli turned to me and put his hand on my check and said "you're a sweet girl."

quitted

2009-05-28T16:47:00.000-07:00

I resigned from my job yesterday, it felt fabulous. Today I announced to all the staff I was leaving. It feels great to be out of the closet, since we have known we were definitely moving since February.

I have been exhausted since before our trip, and I haven't been sleeping well, so by 4 PM everyday I feel completely wiped out. I haven't been in the mood to write BUT I have more fun pictures for you. Ashley gave me a GREAT idea and said I should make a paper chain to count down my last days of work. I made one with 44 links, the amount of work days I have left (not counting weekends or days I took off). Teddy took a picture of me ripping off my first link, it was awesome.

what I did on my vacation

2009-05-26T10:12:00.001-07:00

We checked out the campus where Teddy will be going to school.

We creeped out the people currently living in our rental house. It needs some love and some lawn maintanence.

We pretended like we were filming the opening credits of Little House on the Prairie.

We went to a lake on a motherfucking boat.

We took some time to smell the flowers.

And we played some rock band.

as promised...

2009-05-25T16:05:00.001-07:00

OK, you don't even get the full effect with this picture of the camouflage effect and how the color is Little Mermaid Red.

We just got back from Alabama a few hours ago and we are exhausted, but I missed you guys! I'll show you our family photos tomorrow, I know you can't wait! What's been up with you?