Friday, March 19, 2010

please

I don't pray. I don't believe in God, so praying isn't really my thing. I obviously don't mind when others pray, and if people want to pray for me, I'll always take it (although I do get really annoyed when people thank God for their Oscar or for their World Series Win, it just annoys me that they are so self centered they would think it that God would give a crap about the Oscars).

Today I applied for another job online and after I did it I looked up, closed my eyes and sent a thought to the universe. I just said "please." I need a new job for my family, for my mental health, for our physical health as our insurance runs out this summer, and for my self esteem. I know if there is one giant ass list of everyone in the universe's needs/wants mine is going to be somewhere towards the bottom but dudes honestly, I deserve it. I'm a good employee. I'm a good person. I have spent the last almost 6 years helping less fortunate people for really shitty money.

This month hasn't been as bad as the last couple of months in the money department because I have my pet sitting money. I feel like the job of pet sitter should go to a college kid with acne who needs beer money..not a 33 year old woman with a Master's degree, but when money was offered I took it where normally I would have waved it off and told people they owed me one. I'm bitter and sad and honestly getting desperate. I am really thankful to have my current sucky job because I don't even like to think about where we would be without it....whereas now things are very tight, uncomfortably so, I think without we would have been absolutely screwed.

I feel stupid because we made this choice and in four years I'll probably think it is a good one (assuming Teddy gets a job), but now I'm starting to wonder if this was the best decision at this point in time. I think it will be OK, I hope it will be OK, but sometimes I start to wonder why? Why would I assume it would be OK for me, when it isn't for so many people?

Ugh, this is just so terribly depressing and emo and I swear I'm not walking around being a giant bag of depressing crap. I am usually in a pretty good mood, and I'm usually pretty happy but this is where I come to vent my frustrations so you get my angsty angst.

Next up, pictures of stuff that makes me happy...

Friday, March 12, 2010

numbers game

6- Slices of pizza I ate yesterday

60-miles I need to run to work off yesterday's pizza

2- pets I am pet sitting while friends/family go on exotic vacations

26-amount of times I've told myself to be happy for friends/family and not bitter and jealous

4- episodes of LOST on my DVR I will try and watch this weekend

15-pounds I would still like to lose

1 million -times I've said "do you understand me?' to my son

5- times I've laughed when my son has said "do you understand me?" to me

1-planned trip to Target to cheer myself up

2-people in my office with stomach flu

11-my anxiety on a scale of 1-10 about getting the above mentioned stomach flu

2-number of baby showers I'm going to in the next two weeks

0-number of babies I can have due to my current circumstances

1-number of babies I may like to have but can't due to my current circumstances

6.5-number of semesters my husband has to finish for his PhD

1-bag of expensive ass coffee bought for interne's alternative spring break

20-dollars given to co-workers Jerry's Kids charity

Monday, March 8, 2010

funk, in it.

I have been purposely ignoring my blog because honestly it is such a downer. *I* am such a downer! I tend to go through cycles of being UP and happy and being DOWN and hating everyone and their stupid ass faces. Yeah, you probably guessed right now I'm in a down cycle (but I don't hate you or your stupid ass face, your AWESOME!).

I really didn't think I'd still be working my crappy hourly job 3 months later. I really thought I'd be in something more stable and better paying by now. I am trying to stay positive about our current circumstance but it is hard, and I'm having a rough time.

I did do some much better planning and shopping this weekend (although I still spent 152$). I made a trip to WalMart (I know) and we bought a lot of our weekly staples that are cheaper than at Kroger (specifically Kashi cereal that I eat for breakfast every.day and Kashi bars that my husband takes to work with him). We bought ground turkey on sale at WalMart and we had taco salad for dinner last night and when we were cooking the turkey, after the seasoning had been added, I stirred in a can of pinto beans and a can of black beans to stretch the meal out over two days!

Here is something that is really bugging me too ...our current budget is pretty much down to the dollar and in the last week I've had one intern ask me for a donation for her Alternative Spring Break Program, one co worker ask for a donation to her Jerry's Kids charity, my boss ask for a donation for a lunch we are having for a volunteer that is leaving, and I'm going to two baby showers in the next two weeks! AGH. My regular charities are sending me sad letters and I'm just feeling like shit over it.

The good news is the weather is beautiful today, we are all fine and healthy, and we have food to eat and a roof over our head! I'll be done wallowing soon, until then feel free to move on to someone who doesn't make you want to punch them in the neck.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Um, WOW.

You guys are amazing. Seriously. I grew up in a household that did not budget, AT ALL. My parents had tons of credit card debt and we just had whatever we wanted/needed whenever. I had no idea how to budget as a young adult and therefore made a lot of mistakes...using credit cards, taking out too many student loans, bouncing checks ( I know, yikes) and really just not knowing how to live with in my means.

My husband and I were making decent salaries when we lived in NJ and were able to pay off all our debt (minus my student loans) but we were still living paycheck to paycheck. We have savings for our son, life insurance, and retirement accounts but if we became jobless we would be living off credit cards. Like I mentioned in a previous post it is now really necessary for us to start living off of a budget for the first time. Teddy is only working part time while he is in school and my salary is not enough to keep up our (old) lifestyle.

Seriously, you guys are blowing my MIND. Making your own yogurt and raising chickens? Never once entered my mind....but now that is my reality that honestly I keep trying to pretend it isn't. I keep thinking that ANY DAY NOW I will get a better paying job and we will be back to our old spending habits. The truth is ANY DAY NOW could be a year from now and I don't want to end up in debt.

I can not believe how ingenious you guys are and I'm really going to make an effort to start trying to be more thoughtful about our spending. My new BFF Biggest Diabetic Loser is helping me and she left me a comment on my previous post with some recipes for me to try out based on my area's sales. Here is the thing that is going to make her want to break up with me....We are picky meat eaters. We will eat chicken and turkey...AND that's about it. I don't really like seafood...OK that is not true I do like fish but I don't know how to cook it, and we don't really eat beef or pork.

Most recipes that call for ground beef, I will substitute in ground turkey BUT I'm guessing this really isn't economical if the turkey is not on sale. I would love to try the stuffed peppers with ground turkey, but again this is something I would have done before without any real thought to how much the turkey cost. I definitely want to try the Greek Chicken and that sounds like something we would really like. I know it probably seems ridiculous to you guys that it NEVER occurred to me to shop this way.

I'm going to do my best and I'll keep you guys updated along the way.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

grocery shopping challenge

I am still struggling with my budget and this Sunday we spent 152.93 at Kroger and honestly, it still seems like I don't have enough to make whole meals. We buy a lot of produce but the most expensive things we bought was a box of Clementines and a bag of apples (a little over 6 dollars each).

I sent out a plea for you guys to help me and Bea had some good tips, and we are definitely going to plant a garden this Spring and try to grow our own tomatoes, cucumbers, and peppers (maybe some other things too). I am also trying to decide what products I should still buy organic (definitely meat and dairy for my son) and what products I can get away with not buying organic. Organic peanut butter and bread for example is much more expensive than the non organic brands.

A super nice blogger, Biggest Diabetic Loser, (she is an awesome grocery shopper and her pictures of food are KILLING me) has essentially offered to be my grocery shopping guru and I just don't think she understands what a novice she has taken under her wing. She sent me such a sweet email trying to help me out but it in it said something like "if you roast a chicken to make chicken enchiladas you can use the bones for chicken soup." Oh. Hm. Well I have never roasted a chicken and I would have absolutely NO idea how to go about doing so.

What her strategy seems to be is plan your meals based on what is on sale. OH! yes. But what if you know how to make absolutely nothing? I will tell you we eat mostly beans and rice and pasta. We aren't vegetarians, but we do try to limit what meat we eat. We don't eat or prepare red meat at home, but we do cook chicken breasts or I will make meatloaf/chili/or tacos with ground turkey aaaaaaannnnnnnnddd that is pretty much ALL I know how to make.

It is quickly becoming very important for us to make cuts wherever we can (although I refuse to cut off the cable at this point). I need to make budgeting a priority and yet I just don't WANT to. I think I need to take this grocery shopping up as a challenge and try to make it fun for the whole family. I am curious what cuts the rest of you are making if you are struggling in this tough economic time.