Thirty-two

As I was running today I was thinking about how I am in the best shape of my life. This both makes me really proud, and also frustrates me. I was thinking about how I spent my twenties drinking too much, smoking too much, and eating too much ( do you sense a bit of an oral fixation?)...although there is not much I would change about things, since ultimately all those things led me to where I am today, but I do wish I would have taken better care of my body.

I was also thinking about how this is the happiest I have ever been. I still have days where I feel depressed, or unbelievably anxious, but overall I feel happy. I have a great husband and a wonderful son. My parents are alive and although they are both alcoholics, one functioning, one in recovery, they are in decent health (presumably, since neither one will get a check-up). I'm really excited about the upcoming move and spending more time with my sister and her family.

I'm in the process of buying my first car. This is really exciting to me even though at my age I'm sure most people have owned their own car before. I am looking forward to a new job, I don't know if I'll get the chance to change careers or if I'll end up doing something similar to what I'm doing now, but I'm excited to find out. I spend most nights watching House Hunters and making fun of what people wear (tiny shirts over inexplicably bigger shirts) and say (man room!), and I'm really happy.

Teddy and I have been talking about how this area can really beat you down. I feel like there is always this competition to do better, and make more, and do more, and be MORE FABULOUS, and it has just been really getting to me. I felt like I could never keep up and that real happiness was just out of my reach, like if I could just make more money, or get a better job, or find a bigger apartment then maybe I would be happy, but I always felt like I was chasing something I just couldn't reach...now I feel like I'm going on a permanent vacation where people are just happy to BE and it isn't always a competition.

I've always been anxious and I go through bouts of depression but I feel better now than I can ever remember and I'm starting to wonder if it is all related to my health (some of you are probably shouting DUH! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!) . I'm hoping to keep up my running schedule and I would still like to lose another ten pounds, but for just today I'm going to be happy.

not unlike taking a Xanax

I am feeling so anxious right now my chest is tight and I feel extra aware of all my movements. Today is the day we find out if Teddy gets the buyout package. Since we found out about the buyout I have attached a lot of emotional/spiritual/crazy meaning to the buyout. In my mind I started relating the buyout package with whether or not we were meant to move to Alabama.

I know this sounds completely nuts, believe me it is to me too, but I just built this up in my head and now can't seem to let go of the idea. I keep thinking if we get the buyout it is because we are supposed to move to Alabama and if we don't get the buyout we have obviously made some huge mistake.

UPDATE: I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.... TEDDY CALLED RIGHT THIS SECOND WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS AND SAID HE GOT IT!

I guess it is meant to be....which is lucky because we were going either way. I feel like a huge weight was just lifted off my chest. Now we can afford to move and I don't have to panic about finding a job the second we get there.

I really know how to party.

Last Friday my niece was in town and she agreed to babysit for us for the evening. We headed out to the new fancy hotel in town (the only hotel in town) and had a drink with a fabulous view of the Hudson River and the Empire State Building. It was awesome (except three drinks cost 50$). After our drink we went to one of our favorite little restaurants and I had a great meal of eggplant parmigiana and a glass of wine. We indulged and shared a piece of chocolate cake and it was one of the most delicious, relaxing meals I have had in a VERY long time.

My niece was staying with us so we had planned to go out after dinner for a few drinks, and because our babysitter was sleeping over there was really no set time for us to be home. We took a walk around the park and headed to our favorite bar but when we got there I just didn't feel like going in, instead we went and bought my niece a cupcake and then got ourselves a cup of coffee and went home and drank it on our front stoop before going inside. We were on the couch by 10 PM.

Today Teddy and I had the day off so after dropping Eli off at daycare we went to Target where we stocked up on bathroom supplies and dog food, then we headed over to Ikea. I bought some cookie cutters in the shapes of animals and a rug for Eli's room. We got home at 2 PM and CLEANED. Man we are the most boring people alive, but really I had a great time.

One of the things I worry about is being hung over, or too tired and having to take care of Eli. I have a hard time going out and drinking too much, or staying out too late because all I can think about is I'm still going to have to get up at 7 AM and take care of a toddler. I can't even imagine a day when Eli could get up and make himself a bowl of cereal and I could stay in bed. I am starting to understand why people have their kids so close together because right when I could possibly start having my own life back is when we would start considering having another.

Jogging Blogging, part three: Invested.

One of the reasons I decided I would start jogging is because it was "free." I laughed at this the other day when Teddy and I were in our local Fleet Feet...all the sudden my free exercises has started to get very expensive. I have now invested in running shoes, running shorts, a running headband (worthless because I think my head is either too small or too big and it always pops off), my Nike+, and special no chaffing stuff for my friend's big fat thighs. (not pictured: lots of colorful sports bras, and several pairs of yoga pants)

The reason I'm mentioning these things is because Bea recently asked me what my motivation is to keep up my running schedule. I thought about it for a while, and really right now my motivation is I spent money on this shit and I'm not going to waste it. I'm too stubborn and I would feel stupid if I spent money on expensive running shoes, and then never wore them.

I don't have a specific running schedule, I just go outside and run at least every other day. Some days I run as fast as I can for 30 minutes, some days I run slower for 45 minutes, and some days I pick a distance and I don't stop until I've run that distance. I keep doing it because I'm terrified that if I don't I will become fat again almost instantly. I have this vivid imagination of me wearing a giant flesh colored body stocking thing that is holding in all my fat. I imagine the day I stop running this thing will burst at the seams and I will instantly gain back the 50 lbs I've worked so hard to lose.

Bea also asked about how do you run faster, and the best advice I have for that is something I read on another website (I think it was about.com) and the advice was "just run faster." It feels uncomfortable and like your lungs are going to burst, but after a couple of days it actually helps increase the speed of your comfortable jog...does that make sense? For example I was running a 9 minute mile, and then for a week I ran as fast as I could for 30 minutes and I was averaging around a 7:45 mile, well then the next week when I went back to a comfortable pace I'm running about a 8:15 mile now...see?

So to wrap it all up I have some real inspirational words for you: Run even if you don't want too, just run faster, and buy some expensive shoes. There, after three months I'm a jogging guru.

atleast it wasn't a Post-it.

I don't really have too many friends. I was talking to Teddy about this last weekend and I was saying that I like to assume that the reason I don't have many friends is other people's fault...meaning that THEY don't like ME because I'm weird or whatever, but really I think it is time for me to own up to the fact that I am a weirdo and I'm not good at making friends. I was thinking about this as Teddy and I were at a fair in our local park and I was looking around and we were literally the ONLY family sitting off to the side by ourselves. Everyone one else was standing in groups and chatting while their kids played and Teddy and I choose to sit away from everyone and only talk to each other.

I think because I am so crappy at making friends I have tried to keep in touch with the few good friends I made in high school and college. A couple of them are married and have their own kids so it is easy to relate to them and we have a lot in common. One friend of mine I met because my parents were friends with his parents so we were sort of forced to be friends. We ended up becoming pretty close and actually were roommates for awhile in college. We had a falling out over some pretty stupid shit (bills, I didn't like his girlfriend, who was going to pay for the grow lamps for the special plants he had in the closet etc.) but after a year or so we made amends and kept in touch over the years. He still lives in Alabama and sometimes when I would go and visit my sister he would come hang out. We have been friends for almost 20 years so it made it even harder when I broke up with him via email yesterday.

My friend got married about three years ago and shortly after he got married his wife went batshit crazy. He came to find out that she was bi polar and had been taking medications while they were dating, but shortly after they got married she stopped taking her medications and started having a lot of symptoms. When she was in a manic phase she would leave for days at a time and my friend would have no idea where she went. Needless to say it was a very stressful time in his life and when I talked with him the conversation was always about him and his problems with his wife.

I tried to be very understanding and I took all my friends calls, even when I had an infant and PPD. After a year or so the calls started getting tiresome because they were always the same and filled with drama. This went on for several years and I am not exaggerating when I say EVERY time I talked to my friend it was 95% about him. His wife at one point moved out of his house and into one of his friend's houses that he also worked with, so there was drama ALL.THE.TIME.

About six months ago my friend called me to tell me that he and his wife were finally getting divorced. They had been separated for awhile and now they were going to make it official. I thought that maybe I would finally get a chance to actually talk during our conversations. Over the last couple of days my friend texted me and asked if I wanted to IM with him while we were both at work. I agreed and we chatted with each other on and off for a few days. I am tempted to copy and past the conversation here just so you can see it was ALL about him, about his new job and his new girlfriend...he went so far as to tell me I should ask him MORE questions about him and his new girlfriend so he could tell me more about them. In these conversations there was never any questions about our upcoming move, my son, or my husband's acceptance into the PhD program.

I thought about it over night and yesterday morning I sent my friend an email saying that I spend my day listening to other people's problems so when I invest in a friendship I expect it to be 50/50. I told him that I understood that he had been going through a lot, but I had too and I was tired of our friendship only being one sided, I said when he was ready to be a friend to me then I would be willing to talk about it. He never wrote back.

I have never actually broken up with a friend...I have had friends that we have grown apart and lost contact, but I have never said to someone "I don't want to be friends with you anymore." It was sad, but also sort of liberating.

jogging blogging, take two.

This is my second installment of jogging blogging. If you want to catch up you can read here.

I have been jogging, rain or shine for over three months. I have never gone more than one day in between running and I have done a fair amount of research over the Internet on jogging, and YET I'm still an idiot.

I'm not kidding when I say I have been jogging rain or shine. I have gone when I am sick, that month I had my period EVERY day, when I am cranky, when I don't feel like it, and when I'm tired. I have gone in the pouring rain, in the drizzle, in the driving rain and while I was on vacation. I have gone in the heat and the cold, and once again I must tell you I'm an idiot.

When I started jogging I was just using a pair of Nikes I had that I bought because they were silver and pink and PRETTY. While doing research on jogging (how often, how fast etc.) I constantly read that you should be properly fitted for running shoes, and you should change out your shoes, on average, every 300-400 miles or so. I have about 200 miles on the Nikes I am currently wearing but I wore them for months before I started jogging, and I also wear them just to walk around town. I decided that Monday while we were out and about, I would be properly fitted and I would buy some new running shoes.

We went into a specialty running store and they had treadmills set up with cameras directed at your feet. There was sign in sheet and you had to sign in and wait for it to be your turn to jog on the treadmill in front of everyone waiting (this is lunchtime in NYC there were several people waiting). I felt like a complete tool so while I was trying to decide if I was going to sign up or not I browsed around and looked at their selection of shoes. There shoes were OK, but none of them were pretty or PINK. I decided not to be fitted there and told Teddy I would try out the running store by our house instead.

Last night I was browsing around the Internet and I found a pair of running shoes that fit all my criteria: they were pink, and pretty!
I have never tried them on(!), I bought them because they are pink (!), and I have never worn this brand (!). When I'm complaining of blisters and various injuries, remind me how pretty my shoes are, and that I'm an idiot.

I also have a really embarrassing question that my friend wants me to ask you. She has been running every day in yoga pants but now that it is starting to get hot she wants to buy some shorts because the yoga pants start getting so fucking hot and stuck to her legs with sweat she feels absolutely disgusting (that is what she tells me). ANYWAY, her problem is that her thighs rub together and chafe and this is also terribly uncomfortable, is there any way to prevent this?

expectations

I tend to build up a lot of expectations about things...It isn't that I have great expectations it is just that I have expectations...One of my many, many delightful quirks is that I have these expectations and if they aren't met it can completely ruin my day, or month, or six months.

Yesterday Teddy and I took the day off and spent the day together walking around NYC. I had been thinking about our day and I had decided I wanted to go to a nice cafe, maybe somewhere in the West Village, off the beaten path. I wanted to sit outside, or at least have a nice view of the people walking by, and enjoy a nice salad and maybe a Hoegarden. I knew this kind of place existed because I had the exact one in mind I wanted to go to (except the one I was thinking about was in SOHO, but I just knew I could find something similar in the West Village). We spent a good two hours looking for the exact right place and nothing was good enough. Finally we settled on a restaurant and it was all wrong and it ruined the rest of my day.

Yesterday was a mild example, all it did was ruin the afternoon, which I still realize is ridiculous but there have been other times when I completely lost my shit because things weren't what I expected. When we moved from Alabama to NJ I had never seen the apartment or the area we were moving too. I mistakenly trusted Teddy's brother to find us a place. I had pictured something similar to the area I live now, quaint , with beautiful brownstones, a cute downtown area and lots of parks...what I got was a dump. It was dirty and the buildings were horrible...our apartment was awful and very few people in the area spoke English. I had a panic attack for probably two months. I'm not saying I should have been delighted by my circumstances, but I'm sure I could have handled it better.

I haven't been blogging, or commenting as much lately because I have been in a funk. I'm starting to get very nervous that the move to Alabama won't meet my expectations and I'll sink into my depression/funk/never ending panic attack. I start anticipating the all day nausea, the cold sweats, the insomnia and I start getting depressed and anxious now ABOUT SOMETHING IN THE FUTURE THAT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN (another one of my delightful quirks).

I have continued to exercise and I do find that it helps the anxiety, but I have been constantly craving sugar and sweets. I have given into the temptation more than I should, but finally this last week I lost 1.2 pounds after having stayed the same weight for the last five weeks.

I am just counting down the days until we move, stuck in a weird funk trying to decide if I'm going to be OK or not. I know I'll be OK eventually, I just don't know how long it will take.

15 years...are you fucking kidding me?

I got an email today that my 15 year high school reunion is this October. Oh...oh my. I really can't believe it.

I must continue on my way to being skinny and hot (well for me anyway), but does anyone have any suggestions on how exactly I'm going to get rich and successful in four months? What if I have to tell people I moved from NYC back to Alabama and I don't even have a job yet? Awesome. You know what, I'll just show them a picture of the most.awesome.kid.ever. and then punch them in the face and run away, that should do it.


*******

In regards to jogging... Ashley and HP, I know you guys are right and I need to do intervals BUT damn that is not what I wanted to hear, I wanted you to say that I should probably eat a bunch of candy and try and sugar shock my system into losing more weight...or something more along those lines. I am getting increasingly bitter that I still have to do MORE to keep losing weight, I am hungry and tired goddammit why isn't that enough?

I really need to say that I just don't understand those of you who don't like candy...like you wouldn't eat a package of Skittles OR you just prefer chocolate...if you just prefer chocolate, that is fine, if you can't be bothered to eat candy, well I don't know if we can be friends.

holding pattern

I haven't lost any weight in four WEEKS. I have been jogging at least 4 times a week, but I think all the extra jogging is making me HUNGRY, or at least that is what I am going to use as my excuse. While we were at my sister's house I ate a movie theater sized box of candy A DAY. I don't know how exactly this happened but candy kept appearing, and I kept shoving it in my mouth. I'm not even sorry, it was delicious. I am a huge candy fan..Skittles, Twizzlers, gummy bears, whatever, I love it...give me a bag of sugar and a spoon and really I'd be happy. Teddy really only likes chocolate candy, I don't understand this.

Speaking of jogging I have been really frustrated with it lately. I have been jogging fairly frequently for about 3 months now, and I still don't really like it. I like the way I feel when I'm DONE but for a majority of the time I am actually jogging I'm pissed that it sucks, and I don't enjoy it. I find myself hating the stupid fuckers in line at the Mr. Softee truck because goddamn it I want to be in line at the Mr. Softee truck not running around in circles like some sort of sweaty douche. I don't know if I will ever like it, but I keep doing it, and that does make me proud.

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Since Eli's second Birthday (which was 9.5 months ago) I have been contemplating the big 3 of toddlerhood for our family.

1. Get rid of the pacifiers
2. Potty Train
3. Big boy bed

I have been really hesitant about these things for one major reason->I LIKE TO SLEEP. I am afraid doing any one of these things is going to end up ruining my sleep.

We made a big step last week and we ordered Eli a toddler bed with the Christmas money my dad gave us over Memorial Day (yeah, that is how he rolls). The bed came on Friday and Eli was so excited Teddy put the bed together for him and he insisted on sleeping in it. So far it has actually gone better than I expected. He gets up and wanders around a lot, but honestly less than I thought he would.

The next step is potty training...I honestly have no clue where to even start. We want to try and have him potty trained before we move. The pre-school we have picked out for him wants the kids to be potty trained for the more advanced class, the remedial pee in your pants kids have to be in a different class and I don't want poor Eli to miss out on the fun stuff because he is in the pee pants class.

The pacifier...ahh I don't even know. It is really his comfort item and I sort of hate to take it away before such a big stresser for all of us...I will focus on potty training next and when that is over I'll start thinking about the pacifiers...

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This weekend Eli and I were chilling on the couch watching Oswald and Eli turned to me and put his hand on my check and said "you're a sweet girl."